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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

474 replies

CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 12:47

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

OP posts:
TheCatsACunt · 08/09/2019 14:12

We have an equal relationship

But you don’t.

He’s living in your house, working for your business, in the country you live in. He’s beholden to you.

Alwaysgrey · 08/09/2019 14:12

They sound unpleasant. Whilst I understand they’re his family you don’t have to host them and who says there won’t be more lines for conversation to upset your dp. The fact they’ve just invited themselves with no regard to whether it works for you shows exactly what they’re like.

diddl · 08/09/2019 14:12

I think you should tell them that you look forward to seeing them when they are over & ask where they will be staying.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/09/2019 14:13

I'm inclined to simply decline their self-invitation and be damned with the consequences.

Then do this.

Orangecake123 · 08/09/2019 14:15

The best thing my therapist ever taught me was that you don't have to nice to anyone, especially family if they don't treat you well.

I would not let them stay.

Tooner · 08/09/2019 14:16

I'm surprised you want to visit giving how you think so little of DP.

However, We can accommodate you for one week but let me know the dates before you book flights as we have a lot planned and it may not be convenient.

It would be fair to assume that as guests in our home there will be no unnecessary comments regarding either of us while you are staying.

It needs pointing out that you will not put up with their nasty ways and if they don't like it then tough titties. Surely the rest of the family know the situation between you all and cannot agree with the way they behave.

fedup21 · 08/09/2019 14:16

I'm inclined to simply decline their self-invitation and be damned with the consequences.

This is what I’d do.

I think you’re daft for not having called them out on any of their previous rudeness though-this situation would have been much easier to manage if you’d done so. It might not even have happened.

MollyButton · 08/09/2019 14:19

Nope, we've not been together that long really. The move to Dubai was sudden and a very early on decision (it was a financial/business decision). I don't regret it at all, but we're still very much a new relationship in my mind, too soon for marriage!

I really hope you know just how many laws you are breaking in your new country.

Cismyfatarse1 · 08/09/2019 14:21

Just say, "We will see you in Dubai some time in the next couple of years but do check first. The last lot who stayed came for 2 weeks and expected us to pay for everything so we need a good while to ourselves to recover. We would hate to end up falling out with friends or family because we hadn't made our boundaries clear."

Popuppippa · 08/09/2019 14:22

I'm inclined to simply decline their self-invitation and be damned with the consequences.

I would do this and explain that it is a very busy time for you both as your business is taking off but if they decide to holiday near you it would be nice to meet for one evening during their holiday if your busy schedule allows. Take care etc. and then engage no more.

Then distance yourselves and be unavailable.

BonnesVacances · 08/09/2019 14:24

Just wait till your SIL messages again with the dates they've booked and reply "Great! Where are you staying? We have friends staying the first week, but we will come and see you and show you around the second week."

GreenTulips · 08/09/2019 14:26

I’d also reply with ‘whilst we’re happy to provide free accommodation, we can’t stretch to feeding an extra 6 people for two weeks. Food costs X per week each, plus alcohol.
We will be working so happy to source information for days out and taxi firms so you can plan your days. We can meet up for evening meals.

Just plan it out like that so they know to bigger off

LemonTT · 08/09/2019 14:26

@MollyButton

What an inconvenient point to make, there will be frantic googling to explain why that is. Survive to say it is tolerated but the OP would need to keep her nose clean as it were to avoid arrest.

1Wildheartsease · 08/09/2019 14:26

Perhaps only agree to days at the end of their holiday in Dubai (so they can't just stay on longer) - and be sure to be much too busy to host them at the beginning - even if their hotel lets them down.

(No doubt you can have a list of other possibilities - because you are kind like that.)

Drabarni · 08/09/2019 14:27

I'd be saying no to the horrible fuckers. tell dh they can come and you will go somewhere else.
No way would i let them stay after their behaviour.

SuzieQ10 · 08/09/2019 14:27

2 weeks is a long time to host anyone! Could you offer them a long weekend, say 4 days or something? Due to 'work commitments'. Then it doesn't seem as though you're unwilling to have them but makes it clear you won't be walked all over.

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 14:30

@MollyButton Yes, I'm aware thank you

OP posts:
elessar · 08/09/2019 14:30

@CaptainObviousTwo of course your housekeeper is amazing, my suggestion was to avoid a. Fuelling the fire with these jealous and bitter individuals, and B. Give you an out from having her do all the cooking and clearing up after them - ie make it less cushty for them to stay.

But by far the best option is to refuse them to stay and tell them why

DC3dilemma · 08/09/2019 14:34

I think I would go along with it, just once. And this would determine if it would ever happen again.

But i’d be clear in every communication just who is doing who the favour and what needs to be agreed beforehand.

For example:

We may be able to help you out with accommodation...what are your flight times?

We might be able to have you stay, let me check our work commitments...

Let us know if you plan to join us for meals and contribute to the food budget in that way, or if you’ll be eating out. (“We’d be pleased to treat you to a meal for one night of your visit” sounds generous but makes it clear you’ll do this only once)

We’ll be busy working of course, but if you can use our home as a base while giving us space and time to do that, it could work...

And when they come, you must respond to the first snarky comment directed at your partner/your wealth etc with something like “Goodness, that’s a bit rude...I’d hoped coming all this way to visit meant that negativity had been left back home in the UK. Let’s leave that kind of remark behind us and enjoy a pleasant visit now, and possibly again in the future”. Any excuses about bad sense of humour, banter etc just needs shut down that it’s actually rude and hurtful and needs to stop if you are all going to enjoy the visit.

Spingtrolls · 08/09/2019 14:35

And remember just because people are family doesn't mean you have to tolerate their shit.

OneToughMudderFudder · 08/09/2019 14:38

I'm also reply along the lines of 'I'm surprised you want to come out to stay given how you've expressed your view of DP'....... we'd really love to see the DC though, so will be happy to put you up as long as you behave.......

I'd call them out on their previous behaviour directly. Its only going to crop up again if you say you can't put them up this time as busy/you'll look like the bad guys for being rude by wanting money off them for staying when you can obviously afford to put them up.

It may be easier for your DP to stand up for himself now there's a bit of distance between him and his family.

Littlechocola · 08/09/2019 14:38

Wait until they are there and then call them out on it.

Maybe also send a long list of house rules.

  1. Must address @CaptainObviousTwo as mam at all times.
  2. Must stroke Mr CaptainIbvious gently on the arm before speaking.
  3. Must howl to the fridge god before eating.
  4. Guests must wear wellingtons when in public.
SandAndSea · 08/09/2019 14:39

I've skipped through the thread but I've got to tell you that I absolutely wouldn't host them. I also think you need to be much straighter in your dealings with them. How about messaging something like this?

"Bit surprised to read that! After all your comments at our expense, I didn't think you even liked us! In the circumstances, whilst we'd love to see DNs, I don't think hosting all of you would work for us at this point. Maybe DNs would like to come over for a holiday on their own? Whatever, please don't book anything without confirming with us first."

finished31 · 08/09/2019 14:39

I'm not sure I would EVER host someone who has ripped me to bits. Just WHY? I don't care how nice the kids are. Fuck off

Tell them 'unfortunately we don't have the time to accommodate you so I can sent a list of rentals for you to check through if you still fancy visiting the local area'.

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 14:41

Must howl to the fridge god before eating.

Shock How did you know what our kitchen rules are?!

OP posts: