to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

[CaptainObviousTwo]

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

A quick email saying you are suppriesed that after all their negativity they want to visit, state you can only give them accomadation for a week. When they arrive let them get on with their day alone don't play sightseer with them and that way they will have to pay for themselves. Also send them a list of car hire companiesso that it is obvious that you have no intention of letting them drive your cars. Remind them you will both be at work. They will only visit once

If you have happily hosted everyone else then yes, I do think it's a bit unreasonable not to host them.

If you want to set expectations before the visit - eg one week would be better for us - then do it before they come, don't have a showdown when they arrive. Be the bigger, more gracious person here (and it would be awful to have guests and an atmosphere for weeks at a time!).

I have to ask how you know what they said - are you sure that whoever the third party is that has let you know about these comments (and I suspect your partner's parents) are not putting their own views forward and blaming the BIL?

I take it you are not married, OP?

TBH I wouldn’t leave it to your husband if he is conflict averse.

Oh, no, he never would. He sounds utterly pathetic but hey, the OP likes keeping him.

Just send Calm's message.

Me an' all Fairies

< throws three pairs of clean knickers into tesco carrier bag and looks up planes to Dubai >

What about approaching their hostility head on and telling them that they need their own accommodation but that you'd love to look after the DCs for a long weekend?

If the other week of accommodation fell through, I expect there would be plenty of hotels in Dubai that could accommodate them, so no troubles there - you have someone else staying the week after, remember?

When they inform you when they are coming you can inform them that it isn't convenient for you on those dates. How very dare they tell you when to host them??

Alternatively tell them to ask first as you do have other family and friends who are actually welcome due to visit. Then say it's not convenient.

I'd be inclined to send back 'In the circles I move in, it's considered better manners to wait for an invitation. It's not convenient for you to visit us for the time being so please do not put yourself to the trouble or expense of booking flights or accommodation.'

We are very busy with the business over the next year, and will have little free time to entertain guests, so your family would not be able to stay more than a week at most and you would need to sort out your some of your activities, transport and meals as we will be working. You need to check with us that your week is ok before you book leave and flights.

I'd have the dc's if I really liked them. I would also give bank details for the parents to put cash in to cover some of their costs, and to let me know if the kids are bringing spending money or if it's also getting transferred.
But it would be limited to once a week every year or so. Otherwise, I could see every school holiday the dc's would be sent

Hmm, maybe your DP wants them to see the big house and how successful you both are, and maybe he wants to share that with his nieces and nephews.
I'd let them stay. It sounds as though the comments have come back to you through family gossip and although I don't doubt they're jealous and unsupportive, I always wonder about the motives of the people who have carried these stories back to you without challenging the initial statements.
You can also mention the mean comments, 'Someone said you said DP was a sponger but obviously they must have picked you up wrong because DP works in the business and yet here you are sponging free lodgings for 2 weeks'
I couldn't resist the opportunity tbh although that may make me a bad person

Sounds like he's a weakling
DP is 6 foot 4 of pure muscle ... but a tad quiet, yes. He's not a weakling, just really not happy on making a big family drama.

I hear what everyone is saying about the 1 week but I would place money on them booking another hotel for the remainder and then it suddenly cancelling on them whilst they are with us, conveniently leaving them with us for another 5/7/10 days.

I think the vegetarian thing is GENIUS and would 100% do that, but I can't see DP being able to pull that off for 2 weeks (he's a bodybuilder and keen meat-man), but it would be hilarious to watch him try (I bet I'd be finding secret packets of chicken dotted around).

I'm REALLY tempted by the £100 per person per week for food thing, but is this actually a reasonable thing to send?

And we also don't want to discourage the nicer members of his family from visiting.

I'm actually very much in Camp "tell them to fuck off" myself

It isn't about the fact that you have hosted other people, after all you invited and wanted them to visit. They are I presume supportive family and friends.

These are people who ridicule and look down upon your partner and presumably you as well who now have the cheek and hypocrisy to invite themselves to your home for a freebie holiday.

It isn't just about the cost, it's about having people who are hostile to you in your home for two weeks. I cannot imagine anything worse. Imagine them going through your things and criticising you throughout this period. What will you do? Ask them to leave with the children. It is much better to be upfront and say that you are sorry but you cannot host them. Do not give a reason.

As for the fall out with DP and his parents, well that is a matter for him to deal with. Sorry to be so harsh but once they are there, it is going to be much harder to deal with. They don't care about your feelings or that of your partner, so why care about theirs.

FFS, people are being really unpleasant about a man who has given up his entire lifestyle in order to facilitate his partner doing what she wants to do.

If you have happily hosted everyone else then yes, I do think it's a bit unreasonable not to host them.

Everyone else haven’t been slagging OP off.

Be the bigger, more gracious person

Fuck that. Why should OP ignore her own feelings and pander to these resentful using arseholes?

I’m so sick of people being told to take the high ground or be nice to prevent conflict or an atmosphere.

OP, I wouldn’t have them to stay. They’re awful people. You work from home so you can’t accommodate them and you know full well if you’d moved to a two bed flat somewhere rubbish they wouldn’t give a shit.

@Knittedfairies

YES! I'm thinking of hosting a "Mumsnet spare room Challenge" where suddenly everytime a SIL brings up a date, a random Mumsnetter happens to be staying that day. Love it.

You know, we all know, that they’re coming mainly to find fault with you. They’ve run a bit dry on ammo to bitch about DH with, you too. You’ve been gone too long, they’ve got FOMO. They need to see this set up you have for themselves, and set enough traps whilst they’re there that they can reinvigorate their bitchiness for another 12 months.

Since they’re determined to bitch about you either way, I’d just keep them away in the first place. Use any/all of the excellent suggestions upthread. It’s lose lose for you, you may as well save on the expense and faff of houseguests. Send the kids some marvellous Xmas present ‘experience’ voucher to make their parents’ inevitable sneering a touch harder to carry off. Truly.

If you have happily hosted everyone else then yes, I do think it's a bit unreasonable not to host them.

@ChicCroissant sadly I think you've hit on it, this is where we're at. We've blantantly had no issue with hosting everyone else.

I'm REALLY tempted by the £100 per person per week for food thing, but is this actually a reasonable thing to send?

Yes. Yes it is.

Or as you say - do a Phoebe (Friends) "I would let you stay, but I don't want to."

I'm actually very much in Camp "tell them to fuck off" myself

X post OP. You’re so right.

When you choose to share your good fortune and your home do it with people who love you and are happy for you both.

I take it you are not married, OP

Nope, we've not been together that long really. The move to Dubai was sudden and a very early on decision (it was a financial/business decision). I don't regret it at all, but we're still very much a new relationship in my mind, too soon for marriage!

I'd be inclined to send back 'In the circles I move in, it's considered better manners to wait for an invitation. It's not convenient for you to visit us for the time being so please do not put yourself to the trouble or expense of booking flights or accommodation.'

I love this response.

Not only are they CFs who are inviting themselves (all 6 of them!) for 2 weeks, but you say they've been so horrible about your DH that it's impacted on his mental health? Why are you not telling these people to get lost immediately. I appreciate that your DH is conflict-averse (he sounds like a massive wimp actually and no doubt has been the victim of his CF family for years) but you sound like you have balls OP and it's your house. Tell them that they're not welcome due to their treatment of your DH. It sounds like one nephew is welcome. Just invite him (the niece sounds like she takes after her CF parents so she can stay at home). Don't reward these people for bad behaviour or they will never learn. Maybe they will never learn anyway but since your DH is incapable of standing up to them, you need to do it for him (and you sound more than capable).

100 pounds per person per week is too much.

I do have to say that I think both you and your husband are weaklings and you are making this issue for yourselves.

If you don't want them to come : say don't come! You will be doing them a favour as well as yourselves.

I had an uncle that invited me to stay with him. It all went well. The next summer I asked could I come and stay for a week. He said yes. When I got there , it was obvious that his wife didn't want me to come, and she made the week horrible for me. She treated me so badly.

I said to him afterwards, "if you do not want me to come , just say DON'T COME! There is no point telling me to come and then insulting me the whole time that I am there. It makes no sense.

If I had a family member who wanted to come and stay with me, and I didn't want it, I would say " the dates do not suit me!"

Grow a backbone!

Crikey, if I had been offered free accommodation I would be the one treating the host to meals out, tickets for attractions etc. Can’t believe it should cost the OP anymore than the electricity to wash the bed linen!