to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

[CaptainObviousTwo]

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

If you cant get out of it,
Limit the time they can stay to 1 week max.
Set ground rules before they come.

Be aware there will be more snide/bitchy comments when they get home.

Who was this from, that "Grandma" says - a niece/nephew or BIL/SIL?

Sorry, that was from SIL. I swapped out MIL's name with "Grandma"

In terms of food are you not all vegetarian now? That should save a bit of money on 6 guests and do clearly brief your cook so she knows she is above them in the pecking order. Don't let them treat her like a servant. A week is plenty because of that important work thingy coming up.

"We will come and visit you soon - Grandma says the house is lovely.
I will let you know what the dates are when they're booked at work"

Taking CF-ery to dizzy new heights, I see!

Not even - "Is there any time which is good for you, because we'd love to spend as much time as possible with you and Brother", or "We'd love to come and see you both - would it be possible to stay with you so we can have a good catch-up?"

Even if they didn't mean a word of it, it would be courteous.

As they're booking without consulting you, I don't think it's inappropriate for you not to be able to host them on those dates.

I think I would just ask them where they are staying. Then point out they will need to research the local area as you're both working and won't be able to take time off to entertain them.

I'd worry about you making this too easy for them to be rude and abusive. Don't let you and DP make it so easy to treat you as door mats.

They choose the dates - why aren't you saying that you'll decide if it's possible for the dates not visa versa.

If you don’t want to be direct I would be conveniently already booked up (work/guests etc) for every set of dates they suggest

How long would you be happy to host your nieces/nephews (and their parents)?

Yes explain that you are busy and not always available - so it is essential to run the dates by you before booking.

Then, suggest dates just for an acceptable period and include names of suggested hotels in interesting places for the rest of their holiday.

That is hospitable and gives you chance to see the children. It won't be a huge inconvenience and you won't be paying for their board for the full 2 weeks.

"We'd love to see you but please don't book anything without discussing the dates with us - work is very busy and we have other people who are intending to stay too. As you can imagine we're very popular all of a sudden for a holiday!

Absolutely something like that. The cheek of assuming they can go ahead and book time off and THEN tell you when they're coming!

I'd add "also I should warn you that we're now restricting visits to a week. As we both work from home, as you can imagine, hosting has an impact on the business, so we've reluctantly decided to limit the time our home is available. However, if you want to be in Dubai for longer, I can point you in the direction of suitable hotels or rental apartments."

There was always a lot of "we'll come visit" remarks even before we moved, all said in the manner of doing us a big favour - as if we'd be lonely and miserable and need their visit to cheer us up.

Just wondering who has been telling you and DP what they have been saying about him behind his back?

Even if you work from home you are not available between X and X hours
There is no negotiation
They need to know that their holiday is their responsibility to organise not yours

Stop pussy footing about. They are your DP family and have been slagging you both off. Bollocks to that crap... 2 weeks in your home after slagging you both off and your thinking of sucking it up because your DP loves his nieces and nephews! He needs to grow a set and confront his sibling before they start booking

Stand up for yourself. I understand that you do want to fall out with them due to your husband wanting to see his nieces and nephews. But there are always ways and means around it.
The first thing that they have said is "we will let you know when dates are booked at work".
Say here to them " you need to check the dates with me first , before you book then at work. We will be happy to see you but we have many things going on".

Then, when they suggest dates, tell them that you will be able to do one week of those dates.

I'm going to pass on people's advice to DP (as it's his call at the end of the day, and he's the one in contact with them)

Mmmm - not really if you will be the one funding their Saharan Adventure . . .

Like the idea of every meal being chickpeas and hummous.

Slightly tempting to wait it out... and then when they send dates you regretfully have other people staying... even if you have to offer the holiday of a lifetime to some randoms. They are taking cheeky to a whole different level.

I know a few people who have scattered around the world and all have found that they have to start charging something - or saying they are - as people take advantage.

Be v v busy at work whilst they are there and leave the fridge un stocked.

Sorry, but your DP needs to be the one to tell them he knows how rude they've been. Sounds like he's a weakling, though, so no change of that happening.

...and yes, point out that you won't be available to take them out much due to pressure of work, so you trust that they're happy to explore the city independently.

So, when they come back with the two weeks that are suitable for them to have holiday, reply ' oh you're lucky, we can fit you in for 5 days of that period, so you'll be able to save a bit on hotel rooms'.

We will come and visit you soon - Grandma says the house is lovely.
I will let you know what the dates are when they're booked at work

^ this is outrageous cheeky fuckery after their behaviour. TBH I wouldn’t leave it to your husband if he is conflict averse.

I’d use @CalmdownJanet’s message. Plus tell them they cannot book without checking dates with you first, plus stay for a max of 5-7 days only. Personally I’d say 5.

It's his call at the end of the day

NO IT IS NOT!!!

It’s not his house, it’s yours. Your boyfriend doesn’t own the house, so he does not get to dictate when his family can stay.

It sounds like he and his family are taking you for a complete ride.

Someone said it already: do this once, it’ll happen every year. That’s exactly what happened to my friend who had a similarly sized house (with pool, cook, housekeeper and driver) for 8 years there. It was a major factor in her leaving.

Let them give you firm dates. When they’re set, say you have obligations and you can manage 10 days max. Then be firm but polite. “We wouldn’t dream of charging you for bed and board, especially not for the children. However, yours isn’t the only visit since we got here (and it won’t be the last!) and it’s beginning to add up to more than we can manage with DP working PT only. DP and I would love to treat the children to x, y and z that all kids enjoy doing on their first visit here - if yours are interested, please let us know. DP wants to take them and pay for their admission (prices online, it’s GBPx for the four of them plus him). Your adult tickets would cost you GBPy, so let DP know if he should take them alone or if you will be buying yourselves tickets too. We’d also love to take all 6 of you out for dinner for one night of your stay, our treat. Otherwise, we like to eat quite frugally here: mostly vegetarian and actually not much in quantity as it’s just the 2 of us and I’m mostly working anyway. We’ve not been able to accurately gauge quantities and sorts of foods that our guests have needed to be comfortable here. No radar! So I’ve got into the habit of ensuring we have toast/milk/coffee/tea/cereal for breakfast, and have asked people to buy for themselves whatever they want for their stay and have it delivered. It’s so much easier, and we wouldn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable because they’re hungry all the time. Especially not the kids! Also I just don’t have the time to do any of this, and left to DP you’ll all be eating [cheap food of choice]. So FYI there’s a Waitrose and a M&S, we suggest those places as it’s all food the kids will be used to. Easy to get to, don’t worry.
Final reminder, DP and I will be working most of your stay. We will give you details about taxi firms etc, but you should assume you’ll be relying on them for transport. Lots of SUVs so space for all. Check out their e here for their prices”

When they’re there, make sure you have nice things for the children but stop at anything more. Your home, they’re to follow your lead and be grateful for it.

How long would you be happy to host your nieces/nephews

I have actually suggested to DP that we host ONLY the nieces and nephews (well, the two eldest anyway - the younger two wouldn't know they were missing out) - they're old enough to fly solo, I'd brief the airline beforehand so that they're being met at the plane etc.

The eldest boy is gorgeous, he's 15. So polite and helpful. His sister is the opposite, but she's only 14 and it would be mean to invite only him and not her.

I am available for any dates to fill up a room if it helps...