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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

474 replies

CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 12:47

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

OP posts:
Horatioroses · 08/09/2019 13:56

I don't see the point in the big house with the housekeeper if you don't want family to visit. Sibling relationships can be difficult, but there is often love in the background and there are nieces and nephews to consider to. Very hard to have a relationship with them if non contact with the parents. If you didn't want them to visit at all you should say this when they bring it up the first time. If you want a more convenient visit, reply saying they need to make sure they run the dates past you before booing anything as you might be away. It sounds like you want there to be no relationship, which might not be what your dp wants. I would be wary of sibling comments made behind your back (how do you know do them?) being a basis for a major fall out. Why not bring them out and then call them on anything you don't like (while they're stuck in your country!) instead?

timeisnotaline · 08/09/2019 13:56

Do you have a local friend who could come to stay at the end of a week? A week sounds reasonable for the sake of niece and nephew, which is the only reason. So at the end of a week you’d be bustling in washing the sheets /
Saying housekeeper is washing the sheets for x to arrive, mind if we move your bags to the hall so they can vacuum etc, throwing out comments to dniece and nephew that you’ll have grown even more when next we see you!

PersonaNonGarter · 08/09/2019 13:57

Just say: ‘Two weeks is too long for us at the moment. We’d be happy to host you all for one week.’

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/09/2019 13:57

We've blatantly had no issue with hosting everyone else.

And how many of these people you've hosted have repeatedly bitched about your DP? I'm guessing none of them. There's your answer as to why you have an issue hosting these CFs.

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 13:57

Oh, no, he never would. He sounds utterly pathetic but hey, the OP likes keeping him

It's amazing how many people feel the need to comment on me "keeping" DP - things that wouldn't get bought up nearly so often if genders were reversed.
We get this a lot from people around us (weirdly, more in the UK than Dubai) and I never know how to react.

He's not pathetic, he just doesn't want to cause a rift in his family.
And to say that I'm "keeping him" implies that he is my pet. Which he is not. We have an equal relationship.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 08/09/2019 13:58

We've blatantly had no issue with hosting everyone else. Blatantly everyone else has contributed. Link the two. You come - you contribute. No ifs no buts. Watch them prevaricate.

Persea · 08/09/2019 13:59

If you have happily hosted everyone else then yes, I do think it's a bit unreasonable not to host them

But I’m assuming everyone else who has visited hasn’t slagged you off.

GorkyMcPorky · 08/09/2019 13:59

@angel84, why is £100 per person per week too much? There's a housekeeper to pay after all.

MyKingdomforaNameChange · 08/09/2019 13:59

Find out the dates they want to come, then say you're only free for the SECOND week. If they arrive at the start of the first week, point them to a hotel.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/09/2019 13:59

Serve them some local food. Like a sheep’s head. DH is North African and they eat almost bit of the sheep including head, tripe and feet. Get called away to an urgent meeting just as dinner is served...

Horatioroses · 08/09/2019 14:00

I would advise caution to any female friend in a relatively new relationship who left the UK to move so far to work part time for a partner's business. It's a big risk.

elessar · 08/09/2019 14:00

I can't believe they have the nerve to tell you that they'll inform you when they'll be visiting, without so much as a 'will that be convenient for you?'

At minimum I would be going back to them and saying 'please check with us before you book anything as we're very busy with the business'. I would also say you cannot host them for more than a week - yes you've had others for longer but did those groups include 4 children under the age of 16?

You work from home, hosting 6 people is incredibly disruptive!

I would definitely set some expectation about providing for food - say something like 'of course it adds a lot of expense to host 6 people, we're happy to provide meals here for a contribution of x (a realistic, fair amount) or alternatively if you'd like to buy and cook your own you're very welcome too'

And I would probably give your housekeeper some time off when they're staying!

To be honest though it's a shame your DP isn't willing to address it. You don't have to start a brawl, just saying to them that you've heard they've made a lot of snide comments and given that you're not really comfortable hosting them in your home.

NoSquirrels · 08/09/2019 14:00

I hear what everyone is saying about the 1 week but I would place money on them booking another hotel for the remainder and then it suddenly cancelling on them whilst they are with us, conveniently leaving them with us for another 5/7/10 days.

Then you can help them with booking another hotel, because it's Dubai - you're not short on accommodation options, are you? Or help them arrange to rebook their flights home, because you need the rooms for X people who are staying right after them.

I think it is all about how it is told to them - they are a family of 6, so you can say 5 days/1 week is your max and still host DP's parents for 2 weeks if you wish. You can say you've found hosting large groups difficult for working from home and costs of hosting so you need to get an agreement about food costs etc up front. You can say it's B&B only for the week because ... whatever reason you like, really.

Up to them if they know upfront and still want to come, or if they don't want to come and bitch about you behind your back.

IdblowJonSnow · 08/09/2019 14:01

No. Chance!
Tell them no and tell them why.

lyralalala · 08/09/2019 14:01

"We will come and visit you soon - Grandma says the house is lovely. I will let you know what the dates are when they're booked at work"

Either be clear “obviously we’d love to host you for 3/5/7 days, but make sure you check the dates with us first”

Or when they present you with dates “Ooh where are you staying?” and when they say with you tell them you already have guests that week.

Drum2018 · 08/09/2019 14:01

Sadly I work from home so I can't leave the house to escape them

This is your out! You simply cannot have 6 extra people in the house when you are working as it far too much of a distraction. You cannot afford to take 2 weeks off to host them either. Fuck them. You really don't owe them a thing, let alone a free fortnight in Dubai. While your Dh may love his nieces and nephews, it doesn't mean he has to put up with crap from their parents. They are beyond cheeky and I'd have no problem calling them out on this - tell them you are surprised that they'd even consider coming to stay with you given their attitude towards you and Dh in the past. If you do give in to their assumption that the can come and stay, then offer a week at the most and send them a list of child friendly restaurants that they can pre book for themselves and the kids for a few evenings. That way they'll be out of your hair for dinnertime.

GorkyMcPorky · 08/09/2019 14:02

@PersonaNonGater

Just say: ‘Two weeks is too long for us at the moment. We’d be happy to host you all for one week ... if you'd like to apologise for your previous rudeness.'

angell84 · 08/09/2019 14:03

@gorkymcporky. I have stayed with family and no one has ever asked me for 100 pounds for food. That is cheeky as fuck.

I have family that live in America, and if they came all the way to visit me I would never dream of asking them for 100 pounds a week for food. I know how tiring the journey is to get here. I am their family. I would cook their food for them.

Asking for 100 pounds each per person is crazy!

angell84 · 08/09/2019 14:05

But if it was family that I didn't want to come - I would say no.

Grow a bloody backbone OP!

GorkyMcPorky · 08/09/2019 14:05

Cheeky as fuck?! Inviting yourself and your four kids to the home of a couple you've slagged off because your seething with jealousy is what's cheeky as fuck!

timshelthechoice · 08/09/2019 14:05

It's amazing how many people feel the need to comment on me "keeping" DP - things that wouldn't get bought up nearly so often if genders were reversed.

Nope, I'd strongly caution any female considering doing this not to.

You're going to just tell them no, the 'only the nieces and nephews' is really going to piss them off. There only way to cause no 'rift' is to allow them to steamroll all over you both. They find your boyfriend a bit of a wally and are used to ordering him around.

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 14:06

And I would probably give your housekeeper some time off when they're staying!

Christ no, she's the only thing that keeps me sane when we have groups visiting. She's amazing. I always give her an additional week of annual leave for every week we have group visits - she does SO much

OP posts:
lyralalala · 08/09/2019 14:06

And if they want to do the hotel thing make sure the first week is in a hotel. We do this with DH’s aunt - she stays in the hotel for the first few days then with us

timshelthechoice · 08/09/2019 14:09

I mean, it's not really feasible to send four kids, the eldest of whom is 15, to bloody Dubai alone so that's not going to work.

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 14:09

The thing is - I'm not sure they know that we're annoyed with them.

We have never had it out about the comments because they were never direct to us (for example, Nephew would say things when he visited that were obvious things he'd picked up from conversations he'd overheard) so it's not like we can call them out retrospectively.

I'm inclined to simply decline their self-invitation and be damned with the consequences.

OP posts: