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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

474 replies

CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 12:47

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

OP posts:
Ringdonna · 08/09/2019 13:16

Let them stay but lay out the ground rules first re paying for meals, shopping and trips wtc.

NoSquirrels · 08/09/2019 13:16

So, it's really only your DP's parents that have set the expectation for 2 weeks? On that basis I think I'd say we'd decided we couldn't host family groups for more than a week at a time - in fact, the 5 days that your cousin and family stayed was absolutely perfect. Any longer is too disruptive/found children tiring/too many people at home with a differing schedule - and so it would need to be a 5-day visit maximum. Happy to send details of hotels for the other week.

And definitely then mention that you have been receiving contributions towards food from your other guests - "as you can imagine, hosting is really expensive" ...

Bellasblankexpression · 08/09/2019 13:16

You say they I invited themselves? Why not go back and say sure you’d love to have them but due to your business (don’t go into detail) you can’t host right now/ when they were thinking but you’ll extend an invitation when it’s convenient.

And then don’t.

saraclara · 08/09/2019 13:21

It's your DH's family, so he gets to call the shots. He loves his nieces and nephews, and doesn't seem to be as bothered by his siblings' attitude as you are.

If he's happy to go ahead, then do it. Anything other than offering the same hospitality to them as you have to other close family, will just make you seem small minded.
I wouldn't provide every meal though, or even your company every day. And if they want to go somewhere with an entrance fee, they pay.

bpirockin · 08/09/2019 13:21

I'd say it will be lovely to catch up with you and here's a list of places you could stay, I hear X and X are lovely.

Your home is your sanctuary, however spacious it is and whoever you choose to share that space with. If they are not positive people to have in your space then don't let them in. It is not a right to invite yourself to stay in someone's home, just because you are family.

You do not need justify your decision, but if they do dare to challenge it, I'd be honest about it and say that you don't feel that you have a lot in common and whilst it would be lovely to see your "nephlings", you think that spending two weeks together 24/7 would be very trying for all of you, and you wouldn't want it to ruin their holiday.

Alwayssaythewrongthing · 08/09/2019 13:22

sounds like they are really jealous of your lifestyle tbh.
Personally I would let them stay just to avoid any fall outs and it let’s your dp see his nieces and nephews. I would leave them to do their own thing though and wouldn’t be paying for any meals out or excursions

burnttoastandjam · 08/09/2019 13:23

I think there is nothing wrong with a week but as PP said, make them aware that you will be working during the week, and also that contributions for food are expected. You can be together during the evenings and at the weekend.

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 13:24

Why do you care what they think when they have been so rude to you?

I'm far more concerned about DP and how he feels about this.
He's really really upset about the comments (they really affected his mental health at the time) but is also very conflict adverse

OP posts:
Kanga83 · 08/09/2019 13:24

Say no you aren't hosting them, but here's a list of hotels that are half board/full board etc.

Cannotresist · 08/09/2019 13:24

How did they word their self invite? Is thee any way of responding with “do let us know if you need help finding accommodation and it will be great to catch up one night for dinner”

KatewithaH · 08/09/2019 13:24

Tell them you are an airbnb now so it is difficult to arrange for rooms to be free for their large party, you have available dates in 2023 when you are in the UK

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 13:26

It's your DH's family, so he gets to call the shots. He loves his nieces and nephews, and doesn't seem to be as bothered by his siblings' attitude as you are.

Oh no, he's livid. Really really pissed off with the whole lot of them. He just doesn't like conflict.

OP posts:
saraclara · 08/09/2019 13:26

Ah, so your husband was upset by their comments. That's different.

I think a compromise would be to say that you've found that two weeks is too long to have guests (you can say that it impacts your work too much or something like that) but they are welcome to stay for a week.

The whole self-inviting thing is weird though.

bananasaidso · 08/09/2019 13:27

You can still have them over but tell them that you can only do it for a week as you have other engagements. So it can be the week they come or the one after. As for food I would recommend you speak to your cook beforehand. People have a habit of bossing other peoples house help around and get their way with them. You need to make clear to both your cook and the guests that you will be the one giving instructions and the cook will only make what you have discussed with them. If they want to eat something else they can feel free to buy it and make it themselves. Don't go with activities with them so that you don't have to pay for it. Tell them you have to run a business so are too busy for an outing.

PookieDo · 08/09/2019 13:27

I think you just need to be really upfront about everything from the start

If you are going to host them then you need to be clear what the lines are - you will be at work and they will need to find their own way around and how to do so
you can provide breakfast and some evening meals but they will need to source their own too

If you wait until they arrive then tell them it could go very wrong, because they won’t be expecting it.

It’s ok to tell them that the country can be expensive so to prepare themselves in advance with spending money/taxi money to get around and just don’t make yourself available to ferry them about

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 13:28

How did they word their self invite

"We will come and visit you soon - Grandma says the house is lovely.
I will let you know what the dates are when they're booked at work"

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/09/2019 13:30

I guarantee if you say "Brilliant, it will be lovely to see you!! We are finding our feet with this hosting business but after our last few guests the norm seems to be that guests contribute €100 per person per week towards food, this does not include alcohol. Days out are obviously covered yourselves and meals out we all pay our own way. We are happy with this too and think it's fair on everyone"

This is INSPIRED, CalmdownJanet

Bloody INSPIRED!

KatherineJaneway · 08/09/2019 13:30

Point out that you’re already funding their brother so can’t possibly support ALL of them.

Good point.

NoSquirrels · 08/09/2019 13:31

"We will come and visit you soon - Grandma says the house is lovely.
I will let you know what the dates are when they're booked at work"

Who was this from, that "Grandma" says - a niece/nephew or BIL/SIL?

Anyway, to this your DP should reply:

"We'd love to see you but please don't book anything without discussing the dates with us - work is very busy and we have other people who are intending to stay too. As you can imagine we're very popular all of a sudden for a holiday!"

No need to go any further right now but best to plant the idea it's not a free for all.

Jayjaybirdy · 08/09/2019 13:32

We used to be the free/cheap holiday destination for family on both sides. My family didn’t really take advantage (mother a bit by not offering to do a thing 🙄) but the ILs were a whole new level. MIL even offered our place to people we had never met! And yes, always while making digs about our finances because “poor OSIL could never afford that”. (Poor OSIL makes bad choices and expects everyone else to nail her out.)

Anyway, DH told them outright they had to stay in hotels from now on. They never came again, funny that.

If you do host them, all I can suggest is that you send a list of house rules before they arrive. If they ridicule you or make sarcastic remarks etc, they leave. Then stick to it.

If you don’t want to host them, tell them that having people stay disrupts your business and so you’d love to see them but they'll be staying elsewhere.

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 13:32

Sadly I work from home so I can't leave the house to escape them.

I'm going to pass on people's advice to DP (as it's his call at the end of the day, and he's the one in contact with them)

Personally, I don't want them over at all. They've got zero respect for DP and have treated him terribly (there are other examples but they're not too relevant).
I don't like them as people (they have completely different values) and I feel like even if we convince them to only stay for a week, I'll be spending the whole week trying to navigate their attempts to get me to fork out for everything.

FWIW, I'm pretty confident they'll book for 2 weeks and their 2nd weeks accommodation will conveniently fall through.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 08/09/2019 13:32

CF sending you that, not even ‘when would suit you?’
I’d be busy and leave them to entertain themselves, no way should you cover excursions.

Needbettername · 08/09/2019 13:33

How rude to not even ask. Was this to you or your DP?
Could you reply and ask for them to check dates with you before booking as you have a lot in the diary. It may be hard to find a two week block so one week would better.

Or if feeling like it could add in a bit about how it would be good to the clear the air after their comments about you moving. They may not know that you know what was said.

Knittedfairies · 08/09/2019 13:34

Having them to stay will only give them more ammo for their nasty comments. Whatever you do now will set a precedent for future visits so you have to be very clear on your expectations. Good luck!

Needbettername · 08/09/2019 13:34

I would find it very hard not to make a comment. Something along lines of it would be lovely to see you but was surprised you wanted to visit considering the negative comments we had heard about.