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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be driving her dd?

215 replies

sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 13:28

I will keep this brief. It is a school run dilemma.

My dd and another girl in her year from primary school have just started the same senior school half an hour away. We know them from primary school to chat to, they are in the next village along from us (not very close but not so far) we have had the odd play date in the last few years, but the girls are not friends and have never shared a class etc.

Over the summer the girl's mother approached me and we met up a few times. Since then she has asked me if we can share lifts to school, which is not a terrible idea until I found out she is planning to get a full time job in a city nearly an hour and a half hour away so she can not confirm what days, if any, she can drive them. So really she is asking me to do every school run fro her every day isn't she? Surely an arrangement would mean she would do some of the driving.

I am very reluctant to get into any fixed arrangements whatsoever (I have been on MN long enough) but she is increasingly putting pressure on me to agree. Every time I see her she asks, and texts me, can you pick up Clara today etc.

Am I being U to not take her dd to school and back each day? I have two other dc at a different school, and school clubs to take into account. Factoring in a 15 minute detour to her house every day especially so early in the morning and home again is really not on, and unfair of her to ask me.

Am I right in thinking she needs to make her own arrangements for her child (she has just one dd, and if she has an emergency I am happy to help otherwise its really her responsibility. I feel like she is making it my problem!

Yesterday she was quite distant, and slightly off with me, I don't want things to be strained between us but I am not sure how to manage the situation.

OP posts:
OtraCosaMariposa · 07/09/2019 13:31

A lift share arrangement woks well ONLY when each person is pulling their weight. An "I can take in the morning if you pick them up in the afternoon" is quite different to you taking her every day. How is the child getting home after school?

Twooter · 07/09/2019 13:31

If you did it, your dd would probably resent you as you’re giving up the relaxing half hour drive to school to have to be polite to a non-friend in the car. I would definitely say no. Driving time is special with teens -it’s often the time they will unwind and chat. I would give it up for their close friends but not for an acquaintance

NWQM · 07/09/2019 13:33

Has she clearly said what she wants and / or have you asked?

If she was upfront and said she wants you to take her daughter to school would you do it?

Could you do it? As you say you have commitments after school.

Personally I'd call her out on it - either just say 'I sense you are feeling put out by the lift situation but it just doesn't work for us' or 'sense the car pooling becoming an issue - what is it you are asking' or some variation but take control back.

averythinline · 07/09/2019 13:34

the answer to this request was.....no sorry I cant..or the classic sorry that doesnt work for us......or if you are happy to do 1 day just say

if she is still off/distant with you then so be it...she is just using you!

its far to early in the year for you to know what activities your DC are going to be doing at school so you may not have flexibility

Ponoka7 · 07/09/2019 13:35

If she was offering payment, then I'd say do it. It's nice to help each other out and it's a shame that's died out.

But as it stands, she has no respect for your time etc.

AvengerDanvers95 · 07/09/2019 13:35

LOL this woman is hilarious, she isn't asking for a lift share, she's telling you she wants a virtual stranger to commit to being an unpaid taxi every school day for the next 5 years and getting uppity because you're not excited at the prospect! Give her the number for an actual taxi company and just say no.

Drabarni · 07/09/2019 13:36

Tell her to fuck off, and get her own child to school.
Are the girls even friends at school, and play dates don't happen in senior, doubt they'll even see each other.

pikapikachu · 07/09/2019 13:37

I'd avoid this like the plague. The girls aren't that close and you've got at least 5 years at the school. It'll be far more awkward to get out of this later.

Drabarni · 07/09/2019 13:38

Or get in touch and ask which days she can offer, so she does 2.5 and you do 2.5 days.

AvengerDanvers95 · 07/09/2019 13:38

Oh and don't say you'll do one day. You give this sort an inch they'll take a mile.

firawla · 07/09/2019 13:39

Are there no buses or anything? I wouldn’t want to commit to this either, especially juggling other school runs for younger kids. She’s being cheeky expecting this from you and I don’t think it’s fair to your dd to have to be tied into this either.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/09/2019 13:40

You are right, this has all the makings of being a pain. I would avoid!

JacquesHammer · 07/09/2019 13:40

Tell her if she can't confirm which days she is willing to do the school run then it won't work for you.

You're happy to lift share but not be a chauffeur with no return on your time

Oldraver · 07/09/2019 13:44

How is she getting to school at the minute ? If she asks again I wouldbe tempted to say "yes let me know whether you would prefer to do mornings/afternoon pick ups or share then 50/50

Original poster
sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 13:44

At the moment she is taking her dd and hasn't accepted the job just yet, it is her plan to get her dd settled and then take the job.

Yes I never see my teens it is the only time I have with them. Sometimes they just need to chill out, and not talk at all.

She has asked me to share lifts, but then I asked her how it would work if she was planning to work so far away, she said she would have to see how it works out, but will drive when she can?!

OP posts:
GemmeFatale · 07/09/2019 13:45

Reply: That’s great stranger parent. DD will be ready for you to pick up at 8.15am unless you prefer to pick up earlier/later? Such a smart plan to lift share and really helps me meet my other commitments.

Badwifey · 07/09/2019 13:46

I don't think you're going to be able to say no but not cause any issues between you.

You need to ask her outright what she wants. If she's looking for drop off and collection then I would tell her you have a 15 min detour both on the way and on the way back. That adds up to 2.5 hours a week and I'd tell her you'd want fuel money. £20 a week should do it.

Or just say no... I can't commit to every day but I will try help if you are stuck or for a week or so until you sort alternative arrangements.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/09/2019 13:47

Tell her if she can't confirm which days she is willing to do the school run then it won't work

I was going to suggest the same, but with someone as pushy as this there's every chance she could invent a couple of suitable days, only for the excuses to start once OP's agreed

Much better to avoid unpleasantness by just saying no in the first place

Original poster
sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 13:49

Without being unkind my dd doesn't like her dd, nothing personal, they are just very different. My dd pleaded with me not to agree.

She is definitely making me feel this is a shared problem, and has called me three times this week alone! I don't know her very well, and feel uncomfortable. All that being said, I would happily help if she was ill etc.

I could at a push take her dd home a few times a week, but I am afraid she is going to take advantage.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 07/09/2019 13:51

Tell her you can't do it because you have other commitments with you other children and it would be too complicated.
I wouldn't offer emergency help because that would leave you wide open.

AvengerDanvers95 · 07/09/2019 13:52

Oh my goodness, you don't want to do this. It will cost you money and inconvenience your whole family. You'll be teaching your daughter that her wishes count for less than the wishes of an annoying acquaintance. Just say no, end of.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 07/09/2019 13:52

Just say no! Don’t be bullied into something you don’t want - and she is bullying you. Just say that doesn’t work for you, mention something about your teens and don’t answer her ever again on it. She is a CF. It’s her job to get her child to school, not yours.

Patnotpending · 07/09/2019 13:53

I'd arrange to meet up quietly with her for a coffee and then say 'Initially I thought that lift-sharing could be a good idea but I'm beginning to get the impression that this isn't going to be a sharing arrangement. Be honest with me, are you expecting me to take your daughter to school every day?'

If she says yes I'd explain that what she's proposing isn't 'lift-sharing'. I'd say that a daily 15 minute earlier start to my morning schedule, every morning, and the loss of flexibility wasn't something I was prepared to commit to.

If she continues to text on a regular basis asking for lifts I'd say no because she sounds like the kind of person who, if you help them out once, expects you to help them out regularly.

Original poster
sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 13:53

What was most odd the other day she was complaining about the drive (it is a pain for all of us admittedly) and she said she never likes 'commuting' and doesn't intend to start now, and yet she is going to take a job so far away.
So I am not sure this all stacks up. The job seems to be an excuse not to do the school run, as when I have asked about it she seems very elusive on the detail. It seems that she told me about her aversion to school runs, without realising that she would need to do this daily.

Also what to do if she isn't back and I am dropping off her dd? I can't leave her dd there as she is a very young 11 yr old.

OP posts:
Highfivemum · 07/09/2019 13:54

I got into this mess a few years ago. A boys mum who i hardly new suddenly befriended me over the school holidays. I felt out in the spot and didn’t like to sound mean so agreed. It started off well but then she was busy and could I do and then she announced she was increasing hours. To be honest it was a total pain. I liked to chat to my kids and they open up more when in a car and they couldn’t. Also sometimes I wanted to go straight to the park or swimming etc and couldn’t. Eventually I was doing 95 percent of sch runs and I thought 😳😳 what am I playing at. My kids were not even friends and her child told my lad I had a naff car !!!! I had to bite the bullet and tell her that it wasn’t working. She was really mad. I had ruined her job etc and her son would suffer etc. I was really upset but my hubby said we have our own kids and they come first and it’s our job to look after them and her to look after her lad. End of day she refused to speak to me. Told everyone I was selfish etc. Shame as I would have happily helped in a emergency but not now.
She did find another mug but after 6 months they told her the same !!!