Should I be driving her dd?

[sailingclosetothewind]

I will keep this brief. It is a school run dilemma.

My dd and another girl in her year from primary school have just started the same senior school half an hour away. We know them from primary school to chat to, they are in the next village along from us (not very close but not so far) we have had the odd play date in the last few years, but the girls are not friends and have never shared a class etc.

Over the summer the girl's mother approached me and we met up a few times. Since then she has asked me if we can share lifts to school, which is not a terrible idea until I found out she is planning to get a full time job in a city nearly an hour and a half hour away so she can not confirm what days, if any, she can drive them. So really she is asking me to do every school run fro her every day isn't she? Surely an arrangement would mean she would do some of the driving.

I am very reluctant to get into any fixed arrangements whatsoever (I have been on MN long enough) but she is increasingly putting pressure on me to agree. Every time I see her she asks, and texts me, can you pick up Clara today etc.

Am I being U to not take her dd to school and back each day? I have two other dc at a different school, and school clubs to take into account. Factoring in a 15 minute detour to her house every day especially so early in the morning and home again is really not on, and unfair of her to ask me.

Am I right in thinking she needs to make her own arrangements for her child (she has just one dd, and if she has an emergency I am happy to help otherwise its really her responsibility. I feel like she is making it my problem!

Yesterday she was quite distant, and slightly off with me, I don't want things to be strained between us but I am not sure how to manage the situation.

I was hoping to keep things pleasant between us, as we are all going to be together for years. It seems only one of us cares about that though

Agree with the poster above you don't speak to hardly any parents once they are in high school. It's great.

At the moment she is taking her dd and hasn't accepted the job just yet, it is her plan to get her dd settled and then take the job.

Sounds unlikely, to be honest. Most employers want a reply to a job offer quite quickly, so that they can offer it to the next one on the list if you say no.

How far is she from the school? If it's more than three miles her daughter will be entitled to transport provided by the council anyway.

Can I also point out she really doesnt give a flying fig about your feelings..how you are struggling to say no and accommodate her,she sees you as a means to an end I promise you...she knows how to turn the screws by the amount of pressure shes putting you under and she knows you really dont want to do it she does already know this but shes keeping going to get her own way to suit her and bugger you...seen it all before....

Time to start ignoring her phone calls, I think.

The good about is about senior schools, is that you never actually meet other parents. Even in whole year talks or parent evenings, there are so many kids and parents that your paths may not cross.

Time to send a “sorry, unable to help out “ message, and then ignore any future requests. She will soon find a new ‘friend’.

For the record, I car-shared with another parent for three years. We did one week on, one week off. However, if for any reason you couldn’t do a day (child illness etc), then the other parent was responsible for getting her child from school. It worked well, and was mutually beneficial.

My dd pleaded with me not to agree.
This alone would be enough for me

She keeps pestering because you are not being firm enough. A firm response is enough .
Dear cf, I am not in a position to do a lift share with you. I have 3 dc in total going to different schools and that is hectic enough for me.

Don’t apologise, make up excuses, offer to help in emergencies etc. Be firm, this woman is not your friend and once she gets the message you won’t see or hear from her as you can’t serve the purpose she wants you for

It doesn't matter if another parent doesn't like you in secondary. You'll rarely see them and if you do it'll be an occasion like Parents Evening where you can smile and walk past. Block the number imo. She's beyond cheeky

Mummyoflittledragon
If they're not attending the nearest state school then there's no obligation for a bus to be put on.
I'm not sure if the Op has said their context though.

I wouldn't even offer emergency cover with someone like this because every day will suddenly become an emergency. This isn't doable your end and that's it. You should tell her ASAP though, I know it's not a comfortable situation she's put you in but equally you shouldn't give false hope.

I think I will send one last text with pp message:

Clubs are all organised now, and I am sorry but we won't be able to share lifts. See you soon

And then not reply anymore. Thank you everyone. I didn't know if was me or her being U.

I've looked at all of my dc's commitments for next year, early morning practices and after school activities and I'm really sory but with three of them, I'm at a ligistical breaking point so I'm really sorry but I can't commit to any regular arrangements.

I can already sense she is irritated, so getting out of it will be very difficult

Why? You've got a situation here where:

Your own DD's begging you not to do it
Your "friendship"'s an instant one, clearly started for her benefit
She pesters repeatedly, even after being told no
You're pretty sure she'll need childcare too
And there's been no come-back on what she's prepared to help with

Tell me again why you'd even give this headspace ... ?

If your dd has begged you to say no then definitely decline. Neither of you should have to put up with this CF mother and if you think it's hard now, it'll be much harder later.

Block her number from your phone and any form of social media.
Tell her one last time "No I won't be able to do this" don't use the word sorry either as you have to put your DD first here.
Then just block and ignore if she keeps it up after that it's verging on stalking

If it works for you (now) say you will take them in the morning and she can pick them up and that you're happy to swap if her job situation changes and it would be easier for her to do the mornings.

Just say that you've looked into it and this will not work for your family. Don't give excuses
Don't apologise

It sounds as if she is hearing your 'excuses' (don't know times of clubs etc.) as temporary... AND as weakness. Beware!

You need to be very clear and quite certain in your own mind.

Don't be vague and don't leave anything open.

Your daughter has said no. (Teen/tween school politics are a nightmare - you don't know what you will be doing to her by ignoring her wishes.) This is much more important than the other woman's wishes.

Tell her she's inspired you to get a bigger, shinier job and won't be able to drive anyone anywhere. See what she offers to do to help you out. Nothing at all?? Oh dear what a surprise.

Say no. You don't owe her an explanation. Remember to block her and under no circumstances receive any phone calls or texts from her. Then forget about her. Give a brief hello should you ever meet again at the school but keep swiftly moving on. Do not stop for a chat.

I am beginning to dread seeing her. She is taking up headspace because she keeps asking me. Personally I would never ever be this cheeky, and find it hard to believe she has the audacity to keep pestering even after I have made it clear. I don't know what to do with people like this, as none of my friends or family would behave like this.

With all the best intentions car/lift shares can turn into a complete nightmare.

I ‘car shared’ with a non-driver who had me running her & her kids rounds before AND after work, multiple pick ups/drop offs, stopped paying me the notional amount we agreed (I had a day off now & again 🙄).

I literally moved house to get out of it.

Don’t be like me just say NO

Your own DD's begging you not to do it
Your "friendship"'s an instant one, clearly started for her benefit
She pesters repeatedly, even after being told no
You're pretty sure she'll need childcare too
And there's been no come-back on what she's prepared to help with

Perfectly put

Text her back. ‘No thanks‘ and block her number

Please take out the words 'sorry' and 'see you soon ' from the text.

Maybe add 'Good luck with making alternative arrangements' if you want to be polite and then block her number.

I have a nasty feeling some illnesses are going to crop up next week, and every week after - yes I agree. I need to put my phone on silent

Just seen you've done it - well done OP!
Be strong.
Your daughter deserves this.

(Agreeing with the people above, I see this as something less than a real friendship. If you lose it... will you have lost anything?)

noproblem That sounds awful, were you moving anyway or because of her???

Definitely do not do this... i did a car pool arrangement and without giving any details (as its very much a current issue for me and the crazy bitch might be in here) we now no longer car share and the other mother point blank refuses to speak to me actually blanking me when i said hi despite me doing nothing wrong apart from say i could no longer commit to car pool due to a change in my circumstances. I repeat DO NOT DO IT!!! 🙃