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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be driving her dd?

215 replies

sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 13:28

I will keep this brief. It is a school run dilemma.

My dd and another girl in her year from primary school have just started the same senior school half an hour away. We know them from primary school to chat to, they are in the next village along from us (not very close but not so far) we have had the odd play date in the last few years, but the girls are not friends and have never shared a class etc.

Over the summer the girl's mother approached me and we met up a few times. Since then she has asked me if we can share lifts to school, which is not a terrible idea until I found out she is planning to get a full time job in a city nearly an hour and a half hour away so she can not confirm what days, if any, she can drive them. So really she is asking me to do every school run fro her every day isn't she? Surely an arrangement would mean she would do some of the driving.

I am very reluctant to get into any fixed arrangements whatsoever (I have been on MN long enough) but she is increasingly putting pressure on me to agree. Every time I see her she asks, and texts me, can you pick up Clara today etc.

Am I being U to not take her dd to school and back each day? I have two other dc at a different school, and school clubs to take into account. Factoring in a 15 minute detour to her house every day especially so early in the morning and home again is really not on, and unfair of her to ask me.

Am I right in thinking she needs to make her own arrangements for her child (she has just one dd, and if she has an emergency I am happy to help otherwise its really her responsibility. I feel like she is making it my problem!

Yesterday she was quite distant, and slightly off with me, I don't want things to be strained between us but I am not sure how to manage the situation.

OP posts:
Howyiz · 07/09/2019 18:02

@cantfindname bully for you!
The difference is you didn't mind. The OP doesn't want to and doesn't have to!
No doubt she is trying to recruit someone else to take her OP.

MotherOfLittlePeople · 07/09/2019 18:07

Glad you've texted her that message OP.
Who's to say there even is a job?

Maybe she will stop contacting you now.

Onlythelonelywelcome · 07/09/2019 18:07

@cantfindname, wow give yourself a pat on the back. Saving the planet one lift share at a time.

lyralalala · 07/09/2019 18:20

I took two children, from different families, to school every day for 6 years. I really don't see that it is a problem. In these days of environmental awareness surely it is a sensible thing to do rather than have a car occupied by one child?

And that’s fine when it works for you. I did it for 4 years.

However, there is a difference between doing a favour for a friend, or even just splitting car trips between acquaintances and someone being a CF’er and pestering for lifts.

This woman befriended the OP specifically for lifts and she’s bullshitting because what job has an unspecified start date?

fedup21 · 07/09/2019 18:49

I took two children, from different families, to school every day for 6 years. I really don't see that it is a problem. In these days of environmental awareness surely it is a sensible thing to do rather than have a car occupied by one child?

Brilliant, and I presume you were happy to do so?

The OP isn’t. It’s as simple as that.

Astralis · 07/09/2019 19:17

If she gets in touch again, try not to use words like "sorry", "I don't think it'll work" etc and just repeat your clear message from earlier. It can seem rude to say the same thing again and again, but not in this case as she's not listening. Don't waver from your message or give reasons as that will invite further discussion. I'd hazard a guess that she cares not a jot for making you feel uncomfortable, and that she knows she's being pushy but is just focused on getting you to do her bidding. Hold firm and it'll soon be over. This assertiveness stuff feels weird at first but it's worth it 😀 It's actually a good message for your children to see. I'm sure they see you being helpful plenty of times, and saying "no" when something really doesn't suit your family is useful too.

eladen · 07/09/2019 19:41

She's probably busy signing her daughter up for clubs every night of the week to coordinate with you. You should have just said no.

Did you look at the link on how to say no for next time?

wibbletooth · 07/09/2019 23:31

If (when!) she asks again just reply ‘Really? I have already told you 4 times that I am not able to share lifts to school. The answer is not going to change no matter how many times you ask me. In fact, the more you ask, the more you make me realise that doing car shares together would be a bad idea.
Please stop harrassing me and don’t contact me again.

And then if she steps up with all the messages you will be able to go to the police because you have asked her not to contact you again.

Original poster
sailingclosetothewind · 08/09/2019 19:53

I finally got a reply!

She says she is very tired after a brutal week, and is looking into a public bus service in the nearest town, she said she doesn't feel xx is ready for a public bus as she has never crossed a road by herself, but she has no choice now.

This woman could easily afford any number of childcare or transport options, she is financially very comfortable with second homes etc, se definitely does not need to do this. It is a choice (or blackmail) because I am sure if it goes badly she will be the first to say so. If she were genuinely struggling I would obv reconsider my position, but she has spent most of the summer in Italy.

I am and will ignore the message. I have had enough.

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 08/09/2019 20:09

So she never had any intention of taking her DD in the first place if she is looking at bus options!! Why should she think her being tired due to a "brutal week" would be of interest to you?!

Soolla · 08/09/2019 20:29

Gosh she's behaving as though it's your duty to deal with her daughters transport. You must be relieved to be rid of the situation. She would have complained like this ever asked if she could do the driving.
If you don't want to block her, perhaps you can mute her? You can in WhatsApp anyway.
Just keep being strong in your message. She may ask again in a few days and may give some sob stories about how hard it is for her daughter. Well that's their family's job and they can resolve it. She just wants someone else to do it, rather than put the effort in herself.

winterisstillcoming · 08/09/2019 20:29

Just say that you're glad she has found another option, and you are sure her DD will be fine. Oh and if she doesn't mind, to let you know which bus route is best, should your DD ever need to get the bus home

PanamaPattie · 08/09/2019 20:34

Tired after a brutal week earning enough money to afford childcare or transport options I suppose. Grin

RandomMess · 08/09/2019 20:42

She is a CFer of the highest order, she is so bare faced it's actually hilarious 😂

ThanosSavedMe · 08/09/2019 20:53

Wow. 11 years old and not ever crossed the road by herself!

gottagetbetter7 · 08/09/2019 20:56

Think it will do her DD good as she obviously needs to gain independence.

BookwormMe2 · 08/09/2019 21:08

If she'd come back and said she understood you had your own commitments but would really appreciate any help you could give, there might have been a case for softening your stance. But the angry, entitled response shows you've done the right thing ignoring her, OP. Plus, what parent doesn't teach their kid to cross a road unaided by 11??

PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/09/2019 21:09

I agree that she's clearly planned on using you for school runs as she obviously hasn't looked at buses or any other alternatives.

Lara53 · 08/09/2019 21:17

Ermmmm say no and then block her/ change your number. She’s a CF

Loveislandaddict · 08/09/2019 21:19

Err, surely she should investigate travel arrangements before committing her daughter to a school. Most people would have done a trial run over the summer.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 08/09/2019 21:27

Well done OP

Wibblewobble99 · 08/09/2019 21:43

Having read the whole thread I can’t believe how many of you this has happened to! Are people really this cheeky? I can’t help but feel sorry for her daughter in all of this. Well done OP on standing your ground. X

IamWaggingBrenda · 08/09/2019 21:48

Absolutely not. You aren’t friends with the mom, your DD isn’t friends with her DD. So no loss of friendship if you say no. I would simply tell her it won’t work for you, don’t give reasons or reply to any other requests. If she asks in person, tell her you’ve already said no. I predict other mom will find she can’t actually help out once she starts her new job. I had an arrangement with a friend to drive her DD, who was friends with my DD. It became a pain quickly, as there were frequent changes in schedule, like if my DD was too sick to go to school, but I’d already committed to taking her DD, so off I’d have to go, driving someone else’s child to school or picking up because it was ‘my week’ and her mom had already left for work.

Hiphopopotamous · 08/09/2019 21:51

I love how MN gives people the boost to say no to these CF requests

carly2803 · 08/09/2019 21:52

just say no!!!! simples!

dont even agree to "one day a week" that will turn into 5. trust me.