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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be driving her dd?

215 replies

sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 13:28

I will keep this brief. It is a school run dilemma.

My dd and another girl in her year from primary school have just started the same senior school half an hour away. We know them from primary school to chat to, they are in the next village along from us (not very close but not so far) we have had the odd play date in the last few years, but the girls are not friends and have never shared a class etc.

Over the summer the girl's mother approached me and we met up a few times. Since then she has asked me if we can share lifts to school, which is not a terrible idea until I found out she is planning to get a full time job in a city nearly an hour and a half hour away so she can not confirm what days, if any, she can drive them. So really she is asking me to do every school run fro her every day isn't she? Surely an arrangement would mean she would do some of the driving.

I am very reluctant to get into any fixed arrangements whatsoever (I have been on MN long enough) but she is increasingly putting pressure on me to agree. Every time I see her she asks, and texts me, can you pick up Clara today etc.

Am I being U to not take her dd to school and back each day? I have two other dc at a different school, and school clubs to take into account. Factoring in a 15 minute detour to her house every day especially so early in the morning and home again is really not on, and unfair of her to ask me.

Am I right in thinking she needs to make her own arrangements for her child (she has just one dd, and if she has an emergency I am happy to help otherwise its really her responsibility. I feel like she is making it my problem!

Yesterday she was quite distant, and slightly off with me, I don't want things to be strained between us but I am not sure how to manage the situation.

OP posts:
Likethebattle · 07/09/2019 14:57

Just say ‘sorry it really won’t work’ she befriended you just so she could use you.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 07/09/2019 14:59

Sorry I missed that you'd messaged her

OP feel no guilt, it is absolutely not your problem.
why did she select a school she had no means of getting her child to?
does she have a partner? or the child have another parent

I would always help someone out in a tight situation, if it was realistic and feasible but this woman had Utter PissTaker writ large on her Tshirt

whiteroseredrose · 07/09/2019 15:00

Just say that you don't want to. No excuses. She can't argue with that!

lyralalala · 07/09/2019 15:00

She’s not your friend, she’s a user. Glad you sent the text.

Lift shares only work with someone you know well enough to be brutally honest with when the kids are annoying each other and the likes. And they only work if both parents are not entitled cheeky fuckers.

gottagetbetter7 · 07/09/2019 15:01

I don't understand how you are having contact with her at all. If you need to drive your DD to secondary school, surely you are then both not hanging around at the school afterwards for a chat?? Or do you see her collecting your DD? Surely your DD can walk to your car and you don't need to be interacting with her. All seems odd behaviour for high school age, although you saying you can't possibly leave her 11 year DD alone is telling. She does not live in the same village and you are not even friends so how and why do you even see her? Anyway hope you have nipped this in the bud.

bluebeck · 07/09/2019 15:04

I don't know what to do with people like this, as none of my friends or family would behave like this.

Allow me to assist you.

You have sent her a perfectly reasonable message. Now block her - yes, block her, and forget about her. She will find some other muppet to run around for her.

chesterdraws1 · 07/09/2019 15:05

I honestly can't believe the cheek of people sometimes. Well done OP

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/09/2019 15:06

I don;t understand why you can't block her - it's not like you need any contact with her or vice versa so why on earth are you keeping her line of communication open?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 07/09/2019 15:08

Btw I would say you absolutely could leave her 11 year old home alone if that was the parents' plan. But it's a moot point.

MildThing · 07/09/2019 15:10

Are there no buses at all?

I would be very reluctant to agree 4 half hour trips a day, 2 hours driving, every day of the week.

So I probably would be firm about a reciprocal share.

HollowTalk · 07/09/2019 15:11

She's trying to use you, that's the only reason she's even talking to you, OP. Stay strong!

MildThing · 07/09/2019 15:12

“Btw I would say you absolutely could leave her 11 year old home alone”
All the Yr 7s that I know with working parents let themselves into the house until 5.30 at least Confused

GabsAlot · 07/09/2019 15:12

hope she gets the message-its up to her to sort out her dd getting to school not palm it off onto someone else because she cant be bothered-or gettin a job where she cant do it

If you said yes you would be doin g it for the next 5 years

crimsonlake · 07/09/2019 15:14

In cases like this you just need to be blunt...there is no friendship to be lost as you did not have one in the first place. Luckily your paths should not cross now. Stay strong.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 07/09/2019 15:15

exactly @MildThing - same round here. My eldest 2 included 2 days pw. OP was feeling she couldn't.

MarigoldGlove · 07/09/2019 15:18

Somebody I vaguely knew put her dd into a secondary school where my older dd was going thinking I would ferry her dd to and from school.

We moved house before her dd started, something which was in the pipeline for ages but she didn’t know because we aren’t actually friends so it hadn’t crossed my mind to tell her.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 07/09/2019 15:23

Nooo, the MN it does work for us is sufficient. Who cares if she is off with you, you wont see her when they start high school, they aren’t friends now so will deffo make new friends when there.

Notnownotneverever · 07/09/2019 15:24

I would just say no. It doesn’t work for you. You sound like you might be annoying her but not being clear either. It’s a yes or no answer. It’s also unsettling for your DD’s if you don’t sort out a yes or no.
I would definitely say no as you have other children, commitments and what would you do if your DD was off...still take her DD, ring her short notice? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Bringonspring · 07/09/2019 15:24

No don’t do it! Your daughter says no!!

BlueJava · 07/09/2019 15:29

My dd pleaded with me not to agree

Tell her you can't do it! Why would you want to put DD through that even 1 day a week when you don't need to.

AMAM8916 · 07/09/2019 15:36

Just send her a message and say you've had a think and can't do it. It's 15 minutes out of the way on the route you'd normally take and you've got 2 other kids to get to school and back and don't want to be responsible for 4. So you'll be ferrying about 4 kids while she relaxes and goes merrily about her morning knowing that she doesn't have a school run? That's what I call a piss taker!

SunniDay · 07/09/2019 15:51

Well done on the text OP. If she pushes the mornings, whether true or not, just say "I have three children to sort out already going to different places. Our mornings are already difficult and i can't add extra time - so I'm not able to help".

It is clear it is not going to be a reciprocal arrangement, so as she is not offering help to you don't offer help to her.

If You were actually friends that did go out of your way for each other it would be different e.g. help in an emergency but it sounds like she is clearly a user who befriended you to use you. She isn't even pretending she is going to help.

If she really was going to work and wanted to negotiate something to help her manage work without being a nasty user she would ask if you would consider it for a minimum of £10 a day (for your time and fuel) and you might still prefer to say no due to the inconvenience to your family and when they have after school clubs etc. She thinks she has a right to use you at no cost or effort to herself and you are doing the right thing saying no.

Derbee · 07/09/2019 15:53

Well done OP. She’s a CF. I’d only suggest lift shares with another parent if I absolutely knew I’d be available to do at least half of them. She’s using you.

Jeezoh · 07/09/2019 15:56

Just text something like “I’ve had a proper think and definitely can’t help you getting your daughter to school, I’ve already got my own 3 children to ferry about and can’t add a 4th into the mix”

strawberry2017 · 07/09/2019 15:57

You have done the right thing. Her child is not your responsibility. Well done for saying no. X

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