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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be driving her dd?

215 replies

sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 13:28

I will keep this brief. It is a school run dilemma.

My dd and another girl in her year from primary school have just started the same senior school half an hour away. We know them from primary school to chat to, they are in the next village along from us (not very close but not so far) we have had the odd play date in the last few years, but the girls are not friends and have never shared a class etc.

Over the summer the girl's mother approached me and we met up a few times. Since then she has asked me if we can share lifts to school, which is not a terrible idea until I found out she is planning to get a full time job in a city nearly an hour and a half hour away so she can not confirm what days, if any, she can drive them. So really she is asking me to do every school run fro her every day isn't she? Surely an arrangement would mean she would do some of the driving.

I am very reluctant to get into any fixed arrangements whatsoever (I have been on MN long enough) but she is increasingly putting pressure on me to agree. Every time I see her she asks, and texts me, can you pick up Clara today etc.

Am I being U to not take her dd to school and back each day? I have two other dc at a different school, and school clubs to take into account. Factoring in a 15 minute detour to her house every day especially so early in the morning and home again is really not on, and unfair of her to ask me.

Am I right in thinking she needs to make her own arrangements for her child (she has just one dd, and if she has an emergency I am happy to help otherwise its really her responsibility. I feel like she is making it my problem!

Yesterday she was quite distant, and slightly off with me, I don't want things to be strained between us but I am not sure how to manage the situation.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 07/09/2019 13:55

Absolutely don't do it.

You'll find yourself having to "just keep a hold of DC" some nights or having the nightmare of lifts for their child when your DC has after school clubs.
What would this parent do on nights your child doesn't need collecting from school until 5 due to enrichment?
What will this parent do when you aren't collecting your child from school because they're at a friend's house?

It's easier to say no clearly at the start. Takers always find a way to take some more.

Bracknellite · 07/09/2019 13:55

Your DD pleaded with you not to agree.

However polite you want to be, this should settle it as ‘no and not up for discussion ‘

Gentlemanwiththistledownhair · 07/09/2019 13:55

Fgs OP, just say no! Perhaps she's off with you because she's getting fed up of waiting for an answer? If you say no, she will have to make alternative arrangements and your faffing means she doesn't know if she needs to do that.

Original poster
sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 13:58

high I have this awful feeling that is going to be me! She befriended me overnight too, to the point where it felt quite strange, as we are not friends. It is my situation to the letter.
I can imagine having to babysit every evening too, as she is held up in traffic etc. I can already sense she is irritated, so getting out of it will be very difficult. Glad you managed to escape, and I am sure anyone listening to her complain about her lack of a free taxi service will have a very low opinion of her, and not you.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 07/09/2019 13:58

Unless it really is a shared arrangement where she commits to doing specific days, or she is offering to pay towards your petrol money, YANBU to tell her it’s not going to work. Also, just seen your follow-up where you mention that your DD doesn’t even get along with the girl - I think I’d say no even for that reason alone! I wouldn’t want to make a child spend 30 mins every morning stuck in a car with another kid she didn’t really like much. And I suspect the other child actually feels much the same way. It’s an arrangement involving four people that actually only works for one of them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2019 13:59

If your DD doesn’t like her why would you even consider it OP? She’s settling into a new school, a big step, why would you ask her to spend an hour a day in a confined space with someone she doesn’t like?

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 07/09/2019 13:59

Just be honest! I’d say ‘When you know your work timetable and which specific days you can take my DC, we can sort it out to make sure we share the journeys equally. But if we are going to do it, it needs to be divided equally or not at all, otherwise it will just make my life more difficult and I’m already busy.’

RandomMess · 07/09/2019 13:59

How about "I've looked into the logistics and with the other commitments I have as well sharing lifts isn't going to work"

NavyBlueHue · 07/09/2019 13:59

Don’t agree to this @sailingclosetothewind. If you’ve been on MN a while you know how this will pan out.

Put your DD first. She’s asked you not to accept. Just tell the woman, “No sorry it doesn’t work for me due to our other commitments” and leave it at that.

It’s important to have time to chat with your own kids without others being there and a commute like this is often good for that. Beside you KNOW that’s she’s being a CF and will fully dump all school runs on you ASAP. She won’t do any or even her fair share.

Use your MN wisdom wisely and stop this now.

MagneticSingularity · 07/09/2019 14:00

You’re already reluctant and wary about it before this ‘arrangement’ is even underway, I can only imagine the resentment that’s going to build to a nice simmer by Christmas if, as you suspect, this woman can’t/won’t do her share because of her work commitments. And, if you manage to keep a lid on that, you’ll be seething by Easter and boiling over by the end of the year.

Look, you clearly don’t want to do it, stop dithering about and worrying about offending her, she has no such concern for your feelings when she’s putting you on the spot, does she? Just tell her straight, “No, it won’t work for me, hope you can work something else out.”

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 07/09/2019 14:01

Oh Op I think you need to find a way to say no.

I was in a lift share that ended up with the Dad I was sharing with constantly being unable to collect or take. I had a DD at a school 30 mins in the opposite direction and the whole extra faff-while not a huge amount of time daily-prob 20 min morning and night started to make me very resentful. He always managed to pressure me/appeal to my good nature and I would often wait for his son to finish rugby etc which was even more annoying.
I can only see this going badly.
Only do it if you are prepared to do the whole shift and not mind

AvengerDanvers95 · 07/09/2019 14:01

Just text her now saying "I've had a think about sharing school runs and I've decided it won't work for us, I'm going to stick with taking my DD on her own". No explanation, no apologies, these types will smell the weakness and exploit. Then block her.

Original poster
sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 14:02

The worst thing is I have already said no at least three times if not more, I said I have other dc and can't confirm times or days, that I would be unreliable, and she is STILL pestering me.
Now she is saying, have I got the days of clubs confirmed now, so what days can I do??? Angry

I was hoping to keep things pleasant between us, as we are all going to be together for years. It seems only one of us cares about that though.

OP posts:
HairyFloppins · 07/09/2019 14:02

Just say no. That's it. No other words just no. Don't apologise or anything. Just says No. Give me her number I'll do it now.

Woman is a CF.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 07/09/2019 14:02

Just read your updates! If your daughter doesn’t like the girl then you WBVU to take this girl to school at all! The women isn’t your friend and is clearly using you, the girl isn’t your daughters friend. Just woman up and say no, sorry, not gonna work.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 07/09/2019 14:04

Be very firm - sounds like you’re going to have to be.

RandomMess · 07/09/2019 14:04

"Yes clubs all sorted. Can't do any days at all."

Thanks
NavyBlueHue · 07/09/2019 14:05

@sailingclosetothewind

I was hoping to keep things pleasant between us, as we are all going to be together for years.

No you are wrong here.

The beauty of senior school is that you barely hand any contact with other parents. It’s bliss!

So don’t worry about her being in a mard with you as it simply won’t matter. Happy days Grin

couchparsnip · 07/09/2019 14:06

Definite no. Your DD should come first and if she doesn't like the girl then that's reason enough. If her mother is being pushy then maybe the DD isn't that different.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 07/09/2019 14:06

I missed the bit where your DD asked you not to.

You have to be direct and bite the bullet-and immediately.
Show your DD that you will stand up for

But the other Mum seems like an absolute CF so cut ties completely-no drip of I'll help when I can because it is a slippery slope.

You need to say-by text- and be clear that you won't be able to share the school run. wish her well and then block her if you are brave enough.
Good luck!!!!

Noqont · 07/09/2019 14:06

Just say no you can't do it, it's too much of a rush in the mornings as it is. I've been suckered into this before, believe me it is very difficult to back out once they have their hooks into you.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 07/09/2019 14:06

OP dont even start it ..it will be expected very quickly and you will be a total bitch and the cow who let her down the first time either you or your child is off sick cos i bet she would still expect you to get her child in to school....NO NO NO ...Her child her issue her problem its up to her to find a solution...again NO...Please heed my advice it is from experience....again NO!!!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2019 14:08

I don’t understand why there isn’t a bus laid on when you are talking about such distances in the car. Is it a private school?

Noqont · 07/09/2019 14:08

Maybe stop responding to her texts as well after you've replied.

ODFOx · 07/09/2019 14:09

If your DD has begged you not to then chances are there's a reason.

Its easier to say no before you have begun than once the arrangement is in place and she's taken a new job. On the plus side, as the girls aren't friends it's unlikely that you'll cross paths with her much anyway if you refuse to enable her cheekiness.

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