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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be driving her dd?

215 replies

sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 13:28

I will keep this brief. It is a school run dilemma.

My dd and another girl in her year from primary school have just started the same senior school half an hour away. We know them from primary school to chat to, they are in the next village along from us (not very close but not so far) we have had the odd play date in the last few years, but the girls are not friends and have never shared a class etc.

Over the summer the girl's mother approached me and we met up a few times. Since then she has asked me if we can share lifts to school, which is not a terrible idea until I found out she is planning to get a full time job in a city nearly an hour and a half hour away so she can not confirm what days, if any, she can drive them. So really she is asking me to do every school run fro her every day isn't she? Surely an arrangement would mean she would do some of the driving.

I am very reluctant to get into any fixed arrangements whatsoever (I have been on MN long enough) but she is increasingly putting pressure on me to agree. Every time I see her she asks, and texts me, can you pick up Clara today etc.

Am I being U to not take her dd to school and back each day? I have two other dc at a different school, and school clubs to take into account. Factoring in a 15 minute detour to her house every day especially so early in the morning and home again is really not on, and unfair of her to ask me.

Am I right in thinking she needs to make her own arrangements for her child (she has just one dd, and if she has an emergency I am happy to help otherwise its really her responsibility. I feel like she is making it my problem!

Yesterday she was quite distant, and slightly off with me, I don't want things to be strained between us but I am not sure how to manage the situation.

OP posts:
eladen · 07/09/2019 14:28

Here, this may help if she persists:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/~/media/CCI/Consumer%20Modules/Assert%20Yourself/Assert%20Yourself%20-%2006%20-%20How%20to%20Say%20No%20Assertively.pdf

"How to say 'no' assertively".

Original poster
sailingclosetothewind · 07/09/2019 14:29

Just texted:

We have clubs every day, given the logistics I can't offer to do any school runs. Have a good weekend.

Thats it now, I have done it!! I have turned my phone off as I can already feel my ears are burning Grin

OP posts:
1Wildheartsease · 07/09/2019 14:29

Yes - I'm sure you are right about the illnesses OP.

Keep a stock of phrases ready for all the emergencies that arise (and yes, be suspicious of any that occur before she has a way for her daughter to get to school without you)

What a pity - it isn't convenient for us tonight... - have them ready for anytime you meet her unexpectedly.

1Wildheartsease · 07/09/2019 14:30

Mornings aren't good either are they?
Beware - I see a gap in your defences!

Emelene · 07/09/2019 14:31

Well done OP! You are not under an obligation to give up that much time each week, particularly for a girl your own daughter doesn't get on with. I hope the other mum takes it graciously but I doubt it!

1Wildheartsease · 07/09/2019 14:33

'No it is not convenient' is enough. Don't explain as it opens up opportunities to chip away at your reasons for saying no.

averythinline · 07/09/2019 14:33

just block her number.... then you wont hear about illnesses etc.....
you dont need her number as you're not doing lifts

Durgasarrow · 07/09/2019 14:33

SAY NO. The drive to and from school is a sacred time when your daughter will tell you many important things about her life. The last thing you need is for her to be forced to share that time with someone she doesn't like.

Durgasarrow · 07/09/2019 14:34

Oh, well done, OP!!

Wonkybanana · 07/09/2019 14:36

I'm glad you've said no, now block her number and ignore any other pressure she puts on you. Do not waver!!

My dd pleaded with me not to agree. Whatever you do you're going to piss somebody off. Much better to be the cf mother than your own daughter.

Kitkatbar2018 · 07/09/2019 14:39

OP I say this kindly - block that bitch. I mean why put yourself through this stress just to keep things friendly - does she bring value to your life (dare I guess - no!) will she help you in an emergency (doubt that very much - more chance of my dead nan helping you out than her and that’s saying something coz my nan was a dick) just block her, she can Fuck off with her pestering leech ways! End off! If no that all powerful complete sentence of a word isn’t working - then the words “Fuck off” are also a complete sentence and more powerful too! Good luck with getting rid of this draining goat.

TitsInAbsentia · 07/09/2019 14:40

Well done OP! Now, you might find a flurry of texts and voicemails when your phone goes back on, remember, you do not have to respond to any of them at all as you have given your FINAL answer Grin

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 07/09/2019 14:40

OP...I once started doing this and I was quite happy to give a lift to the child.It started me picking her up from her house then after 2 weeks , a(nd I thought it was consideration on mums part for me going out of my way ) she said she would dop child off at my house.So first week said child arrived at 8,30 to get to school for 9 all good up til now then said child began arriving at 8 am then 7.45 not having had breakfast as her mum was in a rush so I began feeding her,not that I minded the food but we as a family were all rushing around trying to get ready too ...it was barmy looking back...then on an evening school out 3.30 home for 4 mum would pick her up at 4 then it got to 5 and 6 and she would have dinner with my kids as i couldnt leave her hungry....still I carried on ...then one morning we were late for school.the road was closed due to an accident and we arrived at 9.20 purely due to traffic conditions,I had the mother of holy hell phone calls that night as her child told the mum we were late and why .....how dare I make her child be late for school ?How could I be so irresponsible in not finding another route to get there faster? She spoke to me like I was shit on her shoe....demanding I explain and apologise for her child having been late....we were all late..all of us through no fault of our own...That day was the very last day I gave the child a lift.It wasnt the childs fault at all but within a day or too she was palmed off on someone else and the mother never spoke to me again....the relief I felt was endless...but not only my relief the relief of the whole family who could get ready in their own home in peace who had long hated the arrangement but like me were too kind to say so....it upset all my family for nothing ...never again.Now when I feel myself even suggesting to help anyone out I make myself shut up fast!

stanski · 07/09/2019 14:43

You're better off blocking for a while now that you've sent the message as otherwise you'll start getting texts and voicemails once you turn back on, and the stress of it will continue. Well done for saying no!

Drum2018 · 07/09/2019 14:44

Phew! You've done it. Just reading through the thread and my blood pressure was rising Grin It's great that you didn't add a 'sorry' to your text as many people feel the need to do. You have nothing to be sorry for, you have no need to give explanations, because if you do either it weakens your stance. You have given her a firm no, so unless she's a complete CF (which she probably is) you shouldn't hear another word about it. But no doubt she will ask you what activities your kids are involved in to see if you can bring her dd along, or she'll ask you to bring her to school in mornings. Be prepared - your answer should be very simple 'That won't be possible'.

youarenotkiddingme · 07/09/2019 14:45

Surely if the school is half an hour away and it's the nearest school (quite common if you're rural villages) then the LA provide a school bus?

Can't her DD catch that?

Sweetaholic · 07/09/2019 14:48

Why do you seem scared to block her number / ask her not to contact you again to ask?

LolaSmiles · 07/09/2019 14:48

Mornings aren't good either are they?
Beware - I see a gap in your defences!

I thought that too.

OP Be prepared for cheeky fuckery pushing the mornings further. Hold on you've done well to put your foot down.

MadeForThis · 07/09/2019 14:49

Be prepared to be asked to do the morning run

MzHz · 07/09/2019 14:51

Glad you’ve done it! Hand hold for the response!

Just keep to the word No.

We’re all with you

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 07/09/2019 14:54

Well done. I'd probably block her now to avoid any calls or messages.

PegasusReturns · 07/09/2019 14:54

I'd be inclined to block her / she's clearly going to be hard work!

dustarr73 · 07/09/2019 14:55

No wonder she was so nice to you over the summer.She was reeling you in.

Just tell her no,dont help out and dont offer emergencies.Her dc,her problem.

Weezol · 07/09/2019 14:55

I am beginning to dread seeing her. She is taking up headspace because she keeps asking me.

She's taking up headspace because you're letting her! You've sent the message - block her and take your phone off silent.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 07/09/2019 14:56

I would say

"I've looked into it and my movements are just never going to be consistent enough to plan"

Is there no school bus or public transport?