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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to struggling friend

289 replies

JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 22:55

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

OP posts:
Gooseygoosey12345 · 05/09/2019 22:56

YANBU. It's not really fair of your friend to put you in that position. Do you know her situation? Maybe we can advise some other help for her?

7yo7yo · 05/09/2019 22:57

No way.
If you can afford to give her money, that’s fine but don’t expect it back.
Do not be a guarantor. I’m sure someone more experienced and knowledgable will come along but I’m sure it affects your credit rating and may affect your chance of getting a mortgage.

Wingedharpy · 05/09/2019 22:58

How much?
What does she want the money for?
Can you afford it?

1stmonkey · 05/09/2019 22:58

It's not selfish! It's nice to help if you can but you don't put your own finances and security at risk to do it.

isabellerossignol · 05/09/2019 22:58

Don't do it. Your relationship will never be the same again. You stand more chance of staying friends if you refuse than if you agree and then things go pear shaped, which they may well do.

Don't feel guilty. Just say 'sorry, I wouldn't be able to do that', over and over if you have to. You can be a good friend and sympathetic but you don't owe her anything.

Felicitycity · 05/09/2019 22:58

No No No. You will make yourself vulnerable.

JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 23:00

I don't know what her financial issues are other than she said she's in trouble money wise.

I'm assuming she wants to borrow similar to a loan amount with her saying either lend or be a guantor so no I highly doubt I'd be able to afford whatever she needs and I definitely don't want to be a guarantor.

OP posts:
JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 23:02

I've not replied yet which is why I don't really know the situation properly.

She asked me to be a guarantor before and I said no because we were saving for a house sorry.

Now she's asked again and so I feel really bloody awkward because she's obviously desperate Sad

OP posts:
GloriaMaximus · 05/09/2019 23:02

My Nan has always said "don't lend what you can't afford to lose".

And don't EVER be a guarantor for ANYONE.

Pheasantplucker2 · 05/09/2019 23:03

You're right to say no. If she's desperate, how has she got in this position, and what will turn things around so that she can repay any loan, or not default on the rent.

Be sympathetic and help her in ways that don't involve money, but this has disaster written all over it for you.

Why does she think you can afford to help her? I would just say "please stop asking, I'm really sorry you're in such a difficult situation, but we're not in a position to help". Don't give specifics like you're saving up for a house, she may either ask to borrow your savings knowing you have them, or try and talk you round. Just stuck record of no.

Things you could do to help:

  • get her to make an appointment with CAB or other specialist debt organisation who can go through her finances and advise properly how to sort herself out
  • invite her round for dinner regularly so she has a meal and a sympathetic shoulder
  • ask her if she wants any help to do practical things, such as go through the house and put unwanted goods on ebay or local selling sites to raise some money

Does she have a job, a partner, children?

It's tempting to want to help a good friend, but a quick google on here will show you how badly that often ends up. I've never seen a post or a reply along the lines of "I lent my friend enough for a deposit and she paid it back the next month".

There's also the horrible situation it puts you in - if she owes you money and is posting about new purchases/going out for a meal/having her hair done - you'll be thinking that if she has the money to do those things why isn't she paying you back more quickly?

DON'T DO IT!!!!

JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 23:04

I think it's because she knows my dad gave me a little money for our savings. But I'm talking like £1,000 not heaps!

So I feel awkward about that as well like I'm being guilt tripped because she knows I have a little bit saved away.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2019 23:05

I feel really bloody awkward because she's obviously desperate

She’s the one who should feel awkward when she knows you couldn’t afford to help her out last time.

You can’t afford it OP. Even if you could you should never ever ever ever lend to friends, but you can’t.

If she ends your friendship over this, if this is what you’re worried about, then she’d be the one in the wrong.

Cassilis · 05/09/2019 23:06

Don’t say yes, it has disaster written all over it. You’re not being selfish, you’re being sensible.

user1473878824 · 05/09/2019 23:06

Just say so sorry she’s having trouble but you can’t help financially. Do NOT be her guarantor! She’s a CF for even asking!

milliefiori · 05/09/2019 23:06

She shouldn't guilt trip you.Say sorry but you can't afford to loan and don't feel in anything like a strong enough position to act as guarantor. Can she ask her parents?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2019 23:06

I doubt your dad would be happy with you giving away that money.

Mummyshark2019 · 05/09/2019 23:06

If you are a guarantor for her, you are essentially liable for anything that she does not do. So if she does not pay her rent, you will need to cover it. Of she damages something and does not repair, you will need to foot the bill. It is a massive ask and not something that you should consider unless you're loaded and not bothered to lose that money. Stand your ground. If she does not respect your decision or falls out with you over this, then she's not a real friend.

justasking111 · 05/09/2019 23:07

Tell her it is tied up in an ISA or some other type of account that you are locked into for a higher interest rate.

RosaWaiting · 05/09/2019 23:07

Don’t feel guilty

And I can’t imagine signing as guarantor for anything or anyone unless I was seriously rich. Even then I might not risk it.

chickenyhead · 05/09/2019 23:09

If she is bad with money do not be her guarantor. Please.

She shouldn't even ask.

My friends have offered, but I would NEVER risk them being accountable for my position

KellyHall · 05/09/2019 23:10

Just say no!

It's not selfish to give away what isn't yours and joint savings to buy a home with your partner is not yours.

People with money problems don't solve them with handouts. Tell her to speak to Citizen's Advice if her financial crisis is so bad she really is desperate.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

fedup21 · 05/09/2019 23:11

Just say no.

Flamingo84 · 05/09/2019 23:13

Nope.

My BIL wanted my DH and I to be a guarantor on a short term loan. He’s got form for being flaky so we said no. I felt guilty and offered to lend him our savings as long as he paid us back the same amount he was going to pay monthly for the loan.

Lent him the money. He quit his job the next day. Spent months getting money in dribs and drabs until eventually we got it all back. But by then our savings were decimated as the £20 here and there would end up being spent in supermarkets rather than back in the bank. Took a while for me to be around him without being angry at myself for not telling him no.

timeisnotaline · 05/09/2019 23:19

Definitely not. I wouldn't go guarantor for my own children without thinking it through very clearly - you will be liable for the entire debt. If she had a clear strategy to pay it she would be telling you this. If you can't afford the debt amount you can't afford to be a guarantor for it.

Palaver1 · 05/09/2019 23:24

No say no ,been there done it finally got it all paid but will never do it again ever .

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