To say no to struggling friend

[JuneBerryMine]

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

I'm being guilt tripped because she knows I have a little bit saved away

If she is guilt tripping you she is no friend. You don’t have to explain just “sorry but no” is enough.

I hope you have had a wonderful wedding day. Congratulations 🍾🥂

I'd only ever be a guarantor for my children. But then I'd do anything for my kids.
I wouldn't lend money to anyone that I couldn't afford to lose.
But then I'd never dream of asking friends to lend me money ever!

I knew someone who was guarantor on a colleagues loan because she was ‘desperate.’ Her desperate circumstances were being addicted to gambling and online shopping, she hardly pay back a penny. The credit card company she owed £20k to took first dibs on her spare cash.

Don’t assume ‘desperate’ means ‘on the streets’ she had a partner paying half the bills, she just liked shoes and bags too.

Hi OP,
Congratulations on your wedding!!

If my friend had unusual circumstances that meant they had bare cupboards I would do them a grocery shop and drop it in or if due to unusual circumstances they could not get their child shoes for the new term and they had outgrown their old ones I would give them the £15 for a bargain pair at e.g. Matalan. No payment would be required for these small gestures assuming this was out of the ordinary.

However the next step is supporting your friend with the benefits office/CAB/ national debt line etc to get a longer term solution in place.

If The problem is debt/ lack of bond for a property etc etc you can help your friend fund a solution that does not involve borrowing money. E.g. find Council help or find agents that offer the new no deposit pat an insurance in the rent scheme instead.

It is very suspicious that your friend heard you had some money and immediately needed some. Some people do work this way unfortunately.

I had a friend who when she found out her boyfriend had substantial savings (around 9k I think) immediately wanted to "borrow" it for something. Not something essential - a definite want not a need. She accused him of being selfish/tight/not trusting her to not "lend" it.

We we're only young and he was doing unskilled labour at the time. I pointed out that that money represented probably six months of his literal hard labour and I absolutely agreed he should not just give it to her to buy something. Not a popular opinion with her! Some people are unbelievable.

In short help your friend if you can with advice and support not vast amounts of money. Although if £50 sorts out her issues just give it no strings and avoid the whole lending situation.

As everyone has said DO NOT BE GUARANTOR EVER this is only suitable if you are happy to pay the lot e.g. a parent with a kid at uni guaranteeing their accommodation otherwise no. They have poor credit for a reason!

I would think about lending money to a friend if I was sure they would pay me back. I have even once paid a deposit of £250 for a friend who desperately needed a house before her baby was born, and said think of it as a baby shower gift. But she is my absolute best friend, and I know she would have done the same if the situations were reversed.

Don't be a guarantor, as that makes you responsible, and seeing as she's struggling now it seems likely that you would be called upon to pay at some point in the future.

BOokmarkk

Absolutely not! YANBU- tell her you're struggling too and has she not got parents/relatives who could help?

Haven't read the whole thread but might be worth telling your friend you aren't in a position to help but that there are companies who will act as a guarantor like Hand [[https://www.housinghand.co.uk/]] or Guarantor [[https://ukguarantor.com/]]

Say that you have no accessible money, which you haven’t if you are saving for a house deposit. Just lie and say what you have is in a special account with a year’s notice for withdrawals. Though you really should not have to justify your refusal. Get her the number of National Debt Line and Step Change and the CAB ( though they will probably tell her to call Nat Debt). Don’t get involved in being a guarantor - it could ruin you, even if she dies you would be liable. If you loose the friendship so be it, your future home is your priority and any money that you have saved is your business - especially if it happens to be in a Long Notice account which it is, RIGHT!

Link failure above, sorry.

Housing Hand
UK Guarantor

Simply... NO NO NO !!!, lots of correct advise on here, please follow it. when I was younger only the very rich had credit cards, when I wanted something I worked, My children grew up (1 parent family) where if I needed something I worked more, full time job, when kids in bed did few nights behind a bar and a couple of nights working in a local late night store, if she needs it tell her as a friend no.

Definitely don’t act as a guarantor! But it’s a hard one. I’ve lent money to a friend but I totally trust her to give it back and I can afford to lose it if she doesn’t.

If you’re not in this position, then don’t.

If your other half and friend don’t know each other in that way then I would tell you to say what I say, my husband wouldn’t allow it. I can never lie to him and he’s forbid me as I’ve forbid him. She can’t say anything to that. That’s what I say even if it’s not true. Money problems is not something I want between friends. They can sort it with their own family.

Shamelessly placemarking to see how it all went. Congratulations on getting married

I was under the impression most companies that ask for a guarantor for a loan usually want that person to be a homeowner? which obviously you are not.

Absolutely say no. I know she’s your friend, but if she doesn’t pay that loan it falls on you and you would be saddled with the debt. Something you can’t afford to have hanging over you if you want a mortgage.

So just tell her that, that you cant risk having any other credit commitments attached to your name because it will affect your ability to get a mortgage in future and you just can’t risk it.

Don’t feel guilty, her financial problems are not yours to solve.

My mother helped me out as a guarantor years ago and I paid the loan monthly without fail in the quickest possible time so it wasn’t hanging over her. But that was my MOTHER who helped me. My closest family. I would NEVER have asked a friend.

OP yanbu at all, just say no.

I would help a good friend out financially, but only if it wouldn't impact too much on me. I would never ever be a guarantor for anyone, I'd rather lend it directly then I know exactly what I'm going to lose potentially...!

She is really cheeky and out of order, you need the money you have for yourself and your future.

Once lack of money becomes truly dire, anyone with any survival instinct will ask for help. Especially if, for instance, homelessness is looming for you and your family. People are assuming on this thread that OP's friend is irresponsible with money and just needs to get her (financial) act together, but that does not need to be true. You have no idea what's going on.

We do, but the point is that the OP ending up in the same situation when the friend defaults is hardly going to help us it?

No. I rarely lend money. People who are desperate enough to need to ask around and borrow are likely going to find it hard to repay you.

'People with money problems don't solve them with handouts. Tell her to speak to Citizen's Advice if her financial crisis is so bad she really is desperate.'

This. If she's asked already and been told no, she is a cf for coming back. IF she is a really good friend, tell her no, you won't do that, but you're happy to give her support in other ways, e.g. go along to the CAB with her to give her moral support, help her with a budget etc.

Hope you’ve had a lovely wedding OP! Much happiness x

Why does she need a guarantor or a loan. Why isnt she asking her family for this? RED FLAGS!!!!

Not everyone has family, I don't (used to be in care). I've had a friend offer to be a rental guarantor for me due to this but I've never had the nerve to actually take him up on it.

Don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Just tell her you're not in the financial position to help her.

As my father always told me, never ever tell anyone when you got some spare money or savings, sadly it often ends with someone asking to borrow it

Hey people, I doubt OP will be reading this thread, seeing as today is her wedding day! Anyway, you're all saying the same thing, I think OP got the message when she first posted the thread on Thursday night.

Surely if she's your friend you trust her

Nonsense! I have a friend who has been over spending for decades and gets herself into a lot of difficulty. People have stopped lending her money because she can't always pay it back (I'm sure she believes she can at the time) but we didn't ditch her as a friend.