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Original poster

To say no to struggling friend

289 replies

JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 22:55

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

OP posts:
Original poster
JuneBerryMine · 06/09/2019 06:49

Run, it's more that I'm trying to buy a house myself. As much as I would hope my friend would repay the money herself, I'm at a stage where I absolutely cannot risk mine and my partner's financial future in terms of a mortgage etc... We've worked really hard to start saving for this.

I can't do it for myself and I certainly can't risk my partner's possible mortgage too.

OP posts:
leckford · 06/09/2019 06:52

Do NOT sign a guarantee, she sounds if she will not pay and you will end up paying.

That is what banks are for, not borrowing off friends

Dipi · 06/09/2019 06:53

And, now you throw in about your wedding...
Of course, that changes the tone of responses

Original poster
JuneBerryMine · 06/09/2019 06:55

Dipi, my wedding doesn't change anything about the situation or the original question.

It's an explanation as to why there's additional stress involved.

OP posts:
Cantdoright1 · 06/09/2019 06:55

I would just say I'm really sorry but I cant help out financially at the moment but I'm happy to help you work through options or be a shoulder if you need it.

Good luck tomorrow xx

MaybeitsMaybelline · 06/09/2019 06:59

For those saying you need to be a home owner to be a guarantor you don’t. DS signed to be a guarantor for his girlfriend on a small loan of about 1500 as she was a student and her single parent mother died when she was 16 so had a Few insecure years. She needed it for car insurance so she could get to work to help support herself as well as study.

She paid it all back, I was quite worried for the duration of the loan tbf, but they let DS be a guarantor presumably because he was in full time employment and on a good salary with a good credit rating.

Anyway, irrespective of whether you could guarantor or not I agree with everyone else. Don’t do it. I think your so called friend is bang out of order asking you twice but so close to your wedding too when you are quite vulnerable, distracted and possibly feeling generous.

leckford · 06/09/2019 07:03

Also it is better never to discuss getting payments from relations with people. At the best it creates envy at the worst they want some of what you have been given.

PollyPelargonium52 · 06/09/2019 07:05

It is far too much to expect of a friend.

Onlythelonelywelcome · 06/09/2019 07:09

"No, I am sorry, I can't make any money available for you in the form of cash, and I don't qualify as a guarantor."
This, only I’d miss out the sorry bit.
Just reply and get it over and done with. There’s no need to be stressed about this.

FloatingObject · 06/09/2019 07:11

Meh. Do what you like but I think posts slagging the friend off by other posters here are pretty mean.

What's a friend if not someone who is there to support and help you when times are hard?

What does friendship in the UK mean, then? Is it just going out for drinks of a Friday night and having "heart to hearts"?

My views have maybe changed since I started living outside the country. Now I live somewhere where family and friends are constantly lending each other money, giving up spare rooms to help people out, giving up weekends to help people do work on their house or move house etc. Its all such a faff but at the same time I see that that's how they end up having very close ties in their friendship and family groups.

It's a friend asking you to help her out in a time of need, and you saying no because you want to "protect" your future. Fair enough, you do what's best for you and don't feel guilty. But just remember the stories you read on here, and how often friendships outlive darling partners.

londonrach · 06/09/2019 07:13

Enjoy your wedding. Forget this person, just text no.

Original poster
JuneBerryMine · 06/09/2019 07:18

Floating, I don't want to slag her off either. She's a nice person and I don't want to fall out with her at all over this.

It's also not just about my 'darling partner' but about mine and my husband's financial security which is a pretty big thing to risk don't you think?

I'm not some high earning millionaire with money to spare. If I were, I'd gift it.

But at the end of the day, I don't have money to just give away without if negatively impacting my life and my future. Yes friends are there to help and be supportive but that doesn't mean they should potentially ruin their own finances to assist you.

I want to be supportive without risking my own future so I will offer help in the only form I have available right now which is to listen, to offer emotional support etc...

Not everyone is in the position to lend money out to whoever, it doesn't make me any less of a friend.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 06/09/2019 07:20

I would act as guarantor for anyone-except possibly my own kids.

ChippyChipsTho · 06/09/2019 07:22

Jesus Floating, you make it sound like protecting your future is a bad thing?

Not everyone is privileged enough to live somewhere where family and friends are constantly lending each other money

And this isn't just OPs 'darling' partner. He will be her husband by tomorrow! That's a pretty big person in your life that absolutely should be involved in decision's like this especially when it has potential to affect his life and finances.

Beautiful3 · 06/09/2019 07:23

I was asked this too by an old school friend out of the blue, who I hadn't seen for 17 years! I replied that I wouldnt as I didn't want to be in that kind of position. I suggested that she ask her parents or brother. I got a load of angry abuse before being blocked on fb. This confirmed that I made the right decision. Yes I have savings, more than you stated and a house. But im not risking it all on someone else. My family comes first. My neighbour told me they were summoned to court as they were guarantor on an old friends rental flat. They ended up having to pay around £20,000. Just say no. It's too big a commitment. Put yourself first.

PollyPelargonium52 · 06/09/2019 07:26

Moral of the story - don't discuss savings with friends.

In the unlikely event I end up rolling in it I will keep it to myself!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/09/2019 07:26

I wouldn’t be guarantor for anyone bar my children. Too high a risk.

Tell her its getting close to Christmas so lots of seasonal work to be picked up as you can’t afford to lend her any money as it’s been commit for other things.

YoTheGinPussyOfStMawesOnThigh · 06/09/2019 07:30

I hate confrontation and letting people down,

OP, you are not letting her down in any way.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 06/09/2019 07:30

The only people we would ever consider being guarantor for, are our dc's. In fact, when dc1 was at university, they needed a guarantor in order to rent a house. Dh did it because we knew ds would not default on the rent and we were not acting as guarantor for any of the other students in the house. There is no way we would have considered doing this for a friend, however close they were and definitely not if we were saving for a house of our own. You need your own credit rating to be impeccable and so just cannot take a chance that someone who is already in severe financial difficulties will mess that up for you.

Jayaywhynot · 06/09/2019 07:44

"Never a lender nor a borrower be" my dad always said this (usually when he was slipping me a few quid to treat myself)

MildThing · 06/09/2019 07:45

Er, Floating, if she gives away hers and her DH’s joint savings I can quite see how her friendship would last longer than marriage!

“Sorry to hear you are struggling. Can’t help with a loan or guarantor but let’s put our heads together once wedding fever subsides. Lots of love “

Candymay · 06/09/2019 07:47

Don’t feel bad about saying no. I can guarantee you this- you would feel so much worse soon if you said yes. I speak from bitter experience.

saraclara · 06/09/2019 07:48

Seriously, put this out of your mind. You can't do either of these things for her.

Say you're sorry that she's in that position, but that your savings are spoken for and in non-accessible accounts, and that you are unable to be a guarantor. Then ignore her messages and focus on your wedding.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/09/2019 07:50

Don’t do it and don’t feel bad. She’s a CF to ask you again knowing about your dad’s gift. It was a gift to you not her!

Ponoka7 · 06/09/2019 07:50

"I don't want to fall out with her at all over this."

It's her that will choose to fall out with you.

You have perfectly valid reasons why you are saying no to being a guarantor and tell her that you've tied the money up in some type of ISA.

Books that were recommended in gere were, the disease to please and the courage to be disliked. They help you set guilt free healthy boundaries.

But don't discuss money with her again. Even if she knows that you are doing ok, act skint, because of the house buying plans.

You have the right to future happiness and security.

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