To say no to struggling friend

[JuneBerryMine]

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

Don't worry about letting her down because you aren't. She needs to contact Stepchange (or similar free debt service) and learn how to budget.

Enjoy your wedding.

Do not be a guarantor. You’ll will be liable for the loan if she defaults.

Don’t loan money either, as you won’t see it again.

If you can afford it, maybe gift her a small amount (one monthspayment.) but then say No and keep repeating No.

Chances are she has already asked other family and friends ( and owe them money?) and you are next on her list.

Her finances are not your responsibility.

If you're a guarantor, then your mortgage lender will take this loan into account as if its your own when calculating affordability. This will reduce the amount they are willing to lend to you.

I'm a mortgage advisor - don't do it!!!!

I'm glad you've decided to say no, hopefully she's understanding and won't ask again.

There are many ways you can still help her though if you really want to, without any risk/impact on you. Sit down with her and help her go over her finances, help her explore job options, help her set up a depop page to get rid of some clothes.

Have a lovely wedding, and what a huge cf to ask you just before your wedding day!

Oh and in future keep your finances private. There's no reason she should know about a gift of money from your dad.

Wedding is the perfect excuse- say it has cleared out your savings and you can't be a guarantor for her.

I can see why she's upset :(

That £1000 had her name written on it from the second she heard about it :(

The reply is “I’m sorry I am not in the position to be able to help at the moment”.

If you lend (give) her money you probably won’t see it again.

If you sign as guarantor and she defaults she will screw up your credit record and leave you paying her debt.

No no no.

My brother stood as guarantor for his son's loan. Son never paid one instalment. Brother end up paying the lot.

Do not do this!.I may be wrong here, but I thought you may have to be a home owner or have some means to be considered for being a guarantor anyway.Many people seem to be "jealous " of a friends money somehow and feel they have a "right" to it!.Just say you cant and are saving for your own home together ,if shes not happy about it maybe you need some new friends!

Agree with everyone else, never be a guarantor for anyone else (except perhaps your own children but as a PP says, even then you might be taken advantage of). And never ‘loan’ money you can’t afford to lose, twice (stupid I know) we loaned over £1k for rent deposits. Never got it back, one ‘loan’ was to a family member, they never bothered to repay it and it has really affected our relationship now that we seem them spending large amounts on unnecessary stuff - and the flat they originally needed the loan for has long gone so who knows what happened to the deposit. We are not ‘broke’ because they money was never repaid but it is not a nice feeling when what you think is just a helpful gesture is treated with such disdain.

The fact that this situation is stressing you out so much proves that you are a good friend. It’s perfectly reasonable to put yourself first and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed to say no to her. You don’t have to explain yourself, either. Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow.

FloatingObject, the difference is that, that mindset is a collective one. When that's the culture (which I've been a part of), people don't put others in a position that could jeopardise their housing situation. They give what they can afford to, be it time ir food/money and those that receive the help, pay it back.

Sometimes you aren't helping people who are in debt by giving them money.

Do NOT be a guarantor for anyone!

Don't lend her money. She's asked twice so hasn't learnt to save. Never sign up to give a bank your guarantee you'll pay back someone else's money! Stop telling people about money you are given or save.

What a CF to ask again!

I posted this on another thread a few days ago but it's relevant here to.

My Best Friend is really bad with money numerous loans out that she couldn't afford the minimum repayments. Lots of upset and drama over it and I helped out in very small amounts when I could.

When she found out I had a small deposit saved for a house she called round and asked me to co sign on a loan (plus give her a deposit) so she could get a 2nd family car. I just said I couldn't take any loans out as our mortgage advisor told us we just about qualifed for the house we wanted (not true but I felt like it was a good excuse) and that I couldn't justify co signing for her to have a second car when I didn't even have one myself, I do have a full drivers license.

She fell out with me over it and found someone else to do it for her. She decided she didn't like that car after a few months, left it with the person who did co sign it for and go another person to Co sign for a another "better" car.

It's hard to say no to people, but one awkward text massage saying no is far better than lending the money and ruining your friendship.

I wouldn't lend her the money or be a guarantor, however, I would try and help:
If she's coming to your wedding, I'd insist that she doesn't buy you a gift, and if your having a paid bar, let her know you'll treat her to a couple of drinks. If it's back-to-school expenses for her kids she's struggling with. could you pop to Tesco and buy them the items they need most?

I would simply reply. not possible. Got loads to do today preparing for my wedding...see you there ( assuming you have invited her)

that shuts the conversation down and moves on

It's perhaps worth noting, generally, that being a guarantor for a rental agreement is not quite the same thing. Some landlords and agencies will only rent to people on low incomes or housing benefit with a guarantor, so if someone you know - and know well enough to be aware that they are honest and budget sensibly - needs you to be a rental guarantor, it's sometimes OK to do that and low risk to you.

The money I have saved is not just to protect me and my future, but also the people I love. I cannot imagine not wanting to help out a close friend if I was in a position to be able to do so. The only one who takes precedence is my DD. I'd return my wedding dress before letting my close friends be out on the streets. I suppose this person is not a close friend, and most people on this thread don't have any.

I think its different being a guarantor for somebody who is leaving an abusive relationship or is just starting out.But somebody who is forever in debt,is a big no no.

And shes ruining the friendship,not you.You are allowed to say no to this person

Makes me think why she doesnt ask her family.Its because shes burned her bridges with them.Say no and enjoy your wedding.

Op, don't come back to this thread! You should be concentrating on your wedding tomorrow. You could actually just ignore the message and get away with it because you're so busy dealing with the wedding g prep ;)
Have a lovely day tomorrow!

Never, ever, EVER agree to act as a guarantor if you don’t meet the following conditions:

1. you have the money to pay the debt in FULL including interests

2. You are prepared to hand out that money to the lender, without qualms, if your friend defaults the loan for whatever reason.

In all honestly, it doesn’t matter how nice, organised, a friend can be, if you don’t meet the two conditions above. You are going to be fully liable for that debt even if the only irresponsible thing your friend does, is not looking in both directions before crossing the street.