Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to struggling friend

289 replies

JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 22:55

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

OP posts:
Dipi · 06/09/2019 04:32

Just say "no". End of. She's not guilt-tripping you; she's asking, as she's desperate, seemingly. However, it's not your problem. Maybe offer to go to the CAB with her; that's being a good friend.

LuluBellaBlue · 06/09/2019 04:36

My ‘best’ friend of 14 years asked me to be a loan guarantor. They never repaid it and left me to pay it back. Spent heaps of money going to court etc. Complete nightmare. Please don’t be the fool that I was.

proseccoaficionado · 06/09/2019 04:40

No. These stories never end up well. You can't jeopardise your savings and possibly your future.

Jesaminecollins · 06/09/2019 04:53

@JuneBerryMine

Never borrow money to a friend - my husband let a work colleague who was struggling have a £1000 without asking me. She has taken over a year to pay us back in installments and she still owes us £200 which I have now written off. I would like to give her a piece of my mind but my husband won't let me so I just give her filthy looks every time I see her. I will next see her at the Christmas party so she better look out because I can sometimes speak my mind after a couple of glasses of wine!

katewhinesalot · 06/09/2019 04:59

Another don't do it.

Make up a story about a your parents family friends who fell out because of a similar situation and say you value her too much as a friend to jeopardize your friendship by involving money.

Hederex · 06/09/2019 05:05

So the bank won't help her without a guarantor because she's too high a risk.

You have a lot less money than the bank and a lot fewer ways to assess risk and recoup owings.

If you handed over money or agreed to be liable for it, it seems highly likely that you would never see that money again.

It's a no brainer, but I understand the guilt.

Why is she in this position and how can she improve it? You're under no obligation to get involved with finding out but if she's a good friend I'd probably advise she sees a charity to help her sort out her finances.

Smelborp · 06/09/2019 05:15

You had a gift of £1,000 which may seem a lot but it’s actually not.

Being a guarantor could cost £10Ks upwards. You could end up financially, seriously stuffed if you said yes.

Say no firmly and soon.

Dipi · 06/09/2019 05:20

@jesaminecollins, if the woman is financially struggling, of course it'd take her at least a year to pay it off. Your husband/partner is at fault, not this woman, unless they're fucking? So wind your neck in.

Blondebakingmumma · 06/09/2019 05:31

This is a bad idea. If you are good at saying no outright, make up an excuse. Your sister/aunt/father recently borrowed money from you and it’s not possible to help her.

PhilCornwall1 · 06/09/2019 05:37

Absolutely no way!! She defaults on any payment, they come knocking at your door. What motivation has she got to not miss a payment/ stop paying when she knows you are there and have no choice but to pay up.

I'd be saying to her there is absolutely no way you are getting in to that situation and she's taking the piss to ask. I'd then be very quietly removing myself from the friendship and killing off any contact with her.

Nanna50 · 06/09/2019 05:37

@Jesaminecollins so your DH lent money without asking you but you throw dirty looks at the woman who needed it and are threatening to say something at the Xmas party because your DH won’t let you give her a piece of your mind.

Erm it’s your DH who crossed the line, not the woman, you sound awful.

Palaver1 · 06/09/2019 05:46

@Nanna50 why does she sound awful.

Dipi · 06/09/2019 05:59

@palaver1, possibly because she's passively aggressively taking out her shit on this woman? 🤔

YoTheGinPussyOfStMawesOnThigh · 06/09/2019 06:20

Another one saying don’t do it and to loaning money unless you can afford to lose it.

Many years ago a friend asked if I would lend his partner £100 (I was earning about £250 a month which shows how long ago it was). His partner wanted to buy a new music system and would pay me back £10 a month apparently. I said no and was told repeatedly how tight I was, mean and not a real friend by both of them. I am no longer in touch with either of them.

NumbersStation · 06/09/2019 06:21

Jesamine’s should was indeed the one who crossed the line but this woman still owes jesamine and her husband £200. After a year.

I wouldn’t be best chuffed at that either...

They’d both be getting the side eye from me until the debt was paid.

Original poster
JuneBerryMine · 06/09/2019 06:22

Thanks all. I'll definitely be saying no.

I'm getting bloody married tomorrow so could really have done without this additional stress to think about.

I hate confrontation and letting people down, it gets me really worked up.

OP posts:
NumbersStation · 06/09/2019 06:23

Should = dh.

Sorry about that. Blush

flumpybear · 06/09/2019 06:26

Tell her no to being a guarantor as it'll be counted when you buy your house and you'll need as much space in your available credit as possible

Say no to lending money, tell her you're paying out for your wedding and got no spare money as it's locked away I'm higher interest bank account for house deposit - it's not there so she can dip into it because of her own problems

Good luck with your wedding!

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 06/09/2019 06:29

Your friend has spent her money. She doesn't get to spend yours too.

needsahouseboy · 06/09/2019 06:32

Christ don’t feel guilty. She’s been a cheeky fucker asking you a second time. If she was good with money and repaid debts then she’d gave s good enough credit score to get a loan herself.

Huge red flags she’s asked again especially as you don’t even know what it’s for. She could have a gambling habit for all you know and already tapped up loads of people etc for cash.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/09/2019 06:39

I hate confrontation and letting people down, it gets me really worked up.

You're getting married, so don't take this to heart right now, you have more immediate concerns! (Congratulations, by the way). But when things have settled down and you have a little space to think about things, I really suggest you work on this issue. It is likely to cause a lot of problems in your life. Often just little ones, or they seem that way at the time, but they add up and you can end up realising that you are in an entirely different place in life than you want to be, all because you put other people before yourself when they are putting themselves first. I don't mean you should become cold hearted. Just that you should get yourself to a place where what you give is what you genuinely want to give, not what you feel you ought to or are too embarrassed to say no to and where living like that, saying no when you want to say no, coping with conflict rather than avoiding it, doesn't sap your emotional energy or make you anxious. It's a life skill that will stand you in good stead.

ChickenyChick · 06/09/2019 06:41

She is banking in your soft nature, and how you hate letting people down.

You don’t need friends like this!

Runbitchrun · 06/09/2019 06:43

Gosh, I am so glad I have friends who don’t think the way everyone here does. 2 of my friends are guarantors for me on my rental property. I couldn’t ask my mum as she was retired, so friends were the only option for me. I’d like to think they both know me well enough to know they would never be put in the position where they were out of pocket and it was just a formality. Luckily for me, they both agreed without any hesitation, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Needing a guarantor doesn’t always mean you have a terrible credit rating or are feckless with money.

Having said all of that, there’s very few people I’d do the same for, if I was ever in that position.

crosspelican · 06/09/2019 06:48

Oh wow - she hit you with this the night before your WEDDING? Honestly, she's not a friend, she's a user (or a would-be user). There is NO reason for you to be embarrassed, but lots of reasons for her to be.

Put her completely out of your mind and focus on your big day. Don't give her a second thought.

Have a wonderful day!

Kaddm · 06/09/2019 06:48

Hmmmmm
You are totally right not to be guarantor. You could end up ruined.
I don’t think you should lend money either. I would have thought it ok to give (and not expect back) £10 or £20 if she cannot feed herself but any further amount is too much, in your position of saving for a house.

I know someone who inherited £10k. Going to use as house deposit and very happy to have the money coming. Suddenly relative appears needing a £10k loan. Told no, not only that but relations were soured. There is a type of person who, if they find out you have any money, will ask you for it. Don’t fall into the trap. You cannot spare the money and the timing with your wedding is manipulative. I’d turn the manipulation back on this person and not reply. If asked, say you were busy with wedding stuff and can’t possibly lend/guarantor. I reckon if you message that you can’t, they’ll ask again. So I wouldn’t message.

Swipe left for the next trending thread