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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to struggling friend

289 replies

JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 22:55

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 08/09/2019 00:41

Do NOT take the suggestion of gifting her a small amount you can spare

It will just make her come after you for more, once you start

Ginandtonics · 08/09/2019 09:04

As above, say no, moneys tied up in a notice account so you can't get at it for a year or five...

Ticketybootoo · 08/09/2019 09:13

I hope you say no particularly if you become guarantor the liability to repay that debt will lie with you. It is not unreasonable to put yourselves and your own finances first as you are trying to save to get yourselves established.
I am 51 and last week a friend applied significant pressure to borrow several thousand from me . I am fairly sure that she will struggle to pay back so I have declined. I have to accept that if she doesn’t remain friends with me then it wasn’t much of a friendship !

ElsieMc · 08/09/2019 09:25

I was a guarantor for my dd at Uni because that was the only way she could get decent accomodation. She is a trustworthy girl, but you have to remember circumstances change. She struggled in her last year and we thought she would leave with her degree unfinished leaving us to pick up a years rental. The only hope was that the company filled the room. However, she stuck with it and we did not pressure her, but this demonstrates the precarious position you will place yourself in.

The red flags are there with your friend. She has asked you twice because when you turned her down she went elsewhere and they said no.

When people apply pressure with increasing desperation as cruel as it sounds, you have to say no. My dd1 tried to pressure me into buying a newsagents business that her and her (now ex) dh could run. Imagine if I had. There was a clear reason the seller was bailing out. I felt incredibly pressured but did not do it.

It is right what a previous poster said about handouts not solving financial issues or poor money handling. My dd1 has been in financial messes for ten years, entirely of her own making. I noticed a court letter at her house the other day and I just know it is yet another CCJ. Yet she is away for a girls' shopping weekend next week, hotel etc, drinking, meals.

Dont get me wrong, I recently paid her dental bills but she is in pain again and my other dd said she will pay. Just where does it end. The desperation is to pile on the pressure and she is not your friend.

Have a lovely wedding day.

Gilead51 · 08/09/2019 09:44

There's more to friendship than dishing out money. You have a right to know what it's for. If she won't trust you she doesn't regard you as a friend. Friends should be talking to each other more than you and she seem to be. You might be able to help her in another way. Do you want to or not? This discussion is getting nowhere.

celticprincess · 08/09/2019 12:42

Even my PILs refused to be guarantors for our mortgage many years ago. My own DM couldn’t as she had her own hefty mortgage but did often help us out with cash. We got over it and took a smaller mortgage on a different property. In hindsight it was a good plan.

Lend if you can afford not to be repaid. I always think people fall out over money. I’ve never asked a friend to help out and wouldn’t. My DM often does but even then I always feel it has strings attached or that I’m being judged for how I spend my own money.

YANBU

nilcarborundum · 08/09/2019 20:05

I would definitely not be a guarantor. My mother’s friend was one for her son when he took on a pub business. When they went bankrupt she lost everything, even her lovely house and ended up homeless Sad

halloumi2019 · 08/09/2019 20:11

The only answer would be hell no

Being her guarantor is too much to expect from a friend, can you afford to pay her rent alongside your living costs? As that is what you’d be legally liable for by signing as guarantor

FelicisNox · 08/09/2019 20:56

Sit her down, say how sorry you are that she is struggling but you categorically are not in a position to help her.

Explain you do not have the money to lend to her and you are not prepared to be a guarantor due to your own financial obligations. Explain that you are saying no to the request not the person.

Your finances are not her business but if she is aware that you are in a better position than her, make it clear that any financial decisions have to be a joint agreement between your partner and yourself and anything like this is an absolute no go.

People find themselves in difficult financial situations all the time, often through no fault of their own but that does not make it your job to bail them out.

Is there no one in her family that can help?

gill1960 · 09/09/2019 15:50

Tell her no
Ask if she needs home budgeting help

She shouldn't have asked you

blahblahblahblahhh · 09/09/2019 16:03

Don't do it!

Motoko · 09/09/2019 16:07

OP has long gone.

Skandiminsk · 09/09/2019 18:23

Having been put in this situation, I was glad I said 'no'. Although, my friend was angry at me for a long time; they have finally acknowledged that it was wrong for them to have put in that situation. Their situation never improved financially & I'm so glad that I wasn't pulled further into debt than I already am! We still talk & i will help where I can but not financially.

Petlover9 · 14/09/2019 21:15

JuneBerryMine - please tell us what happened in the end

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