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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to struggling friend

289 replies

JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 22:55

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 06/09/2019 00:02

God no, never be a guarantor for anyone unless it's your own child.

Say, "Sorry but I'm skint" and repeat until she stops asking you. If she asks about the £1,000 say, "We haven't even had it yet. My dad can't take it out for a few months" or something similar. Don't let on you have it.

MelbaToast · 06/09/2019 00:03

I was in the same position as you a while ago. Asked to be guarantor for a loan. I said no and instead paid off the debt she had outstanding - it was £5k and she promised with every bone in her body that she would pay me back £200 / month. It was bollocks - it lasted for 3 months and then she started to struggle. I still get £50 per month sometimes but now she's back in debt again. The lesson I learnt was that people who are in debt will always be in debt. The other thing I learnt was to never, ever let anyone know if you have money saved / earnt.

vanillaicedtea · 06/09/2019 00:09

Absolutely not. Being a guarantor for anyone is silly, imo. Even if it was my own child I'd quiz the life out of them over what the loan was for, why it was needed, etc. It's pretty certain she'll default on the loan if she's needing help from you again, so please do not do this. Don't have your credit history/finances in tatters over someone else who wouldn't do it for you.

Don't loan her the money, either. Tell her all your spare cash is tied up in an ISA and you can't access it if you feel guilty for saying no, but say no regardless.

Sometimes people have to sort their own mess out. Sell things, get more hours in work, move somewhere less expensive... the list goes on. It's not on you to sort it for her, so don't feel guilty.

LuluJakey1 · 06/09/2019 00:12

Being a guarantor is serious. My friend agreed to be a guarantor for her sister on a lease. Her sister is always struggling with money and takes advantage of my friend (who is not loaded herself). They have now fallen out for the last year. She asked the estate agent to remove her as guarantor and they refused. They also told her she will automatically transfer to het sister's new lease as guarantor, unless her sister provides a new guarantor - which she will not do as she has no one else. At the minute her sister can only pay the rent because she has £1000 left of their dead mother's savings and she adds a bit (£200) every month to her housing benefit- which does not cover the property. Once that is gone she will not be able to pay and they will make my friend pay. Don't do it!

bombomboobah · 06/09/2019 00:12

Agree with everyone, she's the one that should feel guilty for asking, she must think you're a soft touch
I suppose you just have to say 'very sorry, the answer is the same as before, my circumstances are not changed'...or words to that effect!

bombomboobah · 06/09/2019 00:14

I would also never be a guarantor, probably not even for my own children, for my own children I'd probably just give them money,
never lend anyone else more than I could afford to lose!

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 06/09/2019 00:15

Every single person that I know who has acted as a guarantor for a friend has been screwed over and the friendship barely survives. People with previous poor money handling skills are very likely to let you down.

bombomboobah · 06/09/2019 00:16

Being a guarantor is like giving someone a pipeline into your bank account 😱
I mean it's crazy isn't it 😲

Jux · 06/09/2019 00:16

No sorry, skint, sounds good to me. Don't even be drawn in if she asks you about your dad's money, that's really none of her business. If she even mentions it I'd be reconsidering our friendship. Just look at her, if she does mention it. A long hard look. Then talk of how pretty the flowers are looking now. Even if they aren't.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/09/2019 00:17

It’s absolutely ridiculous to even consider it.

Don’t feel guilty - she should feel bad for putting you in this position.

timshelthechoice · 06/09/2019 00:17

NFW loan her money or be a guarantor. 'Sorry, can't help you there,' and direct her to a debt advice charity.

LoveMyDaughterT · 06/09/2019 00:21

As others have said I’m pretty sure you need to be a homeowner to be a guarantor, it was a question my mum was asked as she was my guarantor for 5 years when I privately rented.

As someone else has stated, don’t be a guarantor for anyone other than your own child.

If I was in your situation I would reply saying “I’ve told you the answer to that before?”, if she gets funny about your answer then I would consider her as not a true friend. I would also not discuss your money with her at all from now on. It’s one thing I’ve learnt the past few years, not to discuss money with anybody. If I have a boyfriend I don’t even discuss it with him either. I learnt that lesson from my DD’s father. The only people I discuss money with are my parents.

I hope your friend stops asking you, it must be annoying and awkward.

lyralalala · 06/09/2019 00:22

Don’t do it. You can’t lend her what you don’t have, and don’t be a guarantor.

I’ve been guarantor once and it’s the only time, and person I would do it for. I wanted to lend her the money, or give it, but pride meant she wanted to do it herself. Her gambling lying ex had trashed her credit rating. She paid every penny back herself. The key is she had a well paid job and wasn’t bad with money.

Being guarantor for someone bad with money is akin to giving them your bank card and PIN

bombomboobah · 06/09/2019 00:23

She sounds pushy and weird
I mean she's not even saying why she's in trouble is she

Don't feel you have to justify, she will attack your justifications, just decline and back away slowly

wibbletooth · 06/09/2019 01:17

One of the best ways to disarm people who are like this and trying to borrow money from you is to say, that's funny I was just going to message you to ask you exactly the same thing - any chance that you could lend me £xxx for the next 6 months please? (where £xxx is similar to the amount that she was going to ask to borrow from you but a little bit more - so £600 if she wanted to borrow £500 for example).

Doesn't matter that you don't need or want to borrow money from her. but it just shows that you don't have money to lend to her. You could offer to go to CAB with her to get a double appointment if you were feeling really kind or share with her some of the things you're going to do (!) to help to save money as a way to help her but don't lend anything to her and just say that you need to cut back and borrow some yourself so you certainly don't have any spare money to give to her. (because that's what it will be, very little chance of seeing it again).

Winterlife · 06/09/2019 01:40

Tell her you and your husband have already committed the money you have from your father, so you are not in a financial position to help her. That's true, isn't it? You're saving it for a home.

You could also tell her that you don't have a credit score which will allow you to guarantee a loan. If you're in your twenties, that's also probably true, unless the loan is for a very small amount.

Personally, I would never guarantee anyone's loan without my husband agreeing, because any financial setback we experience is joint, even if the guarantee is not.

expat101 · 06/09/2019 02:06

No don't do it! Alarm bells should be ringing if her own family are unable/unwilling to help her out. My Hubby's sister tried this on us, asked if we would go guarantor on a personal loan to get her out of many high % rate finance company loans she had. The bank she approached was ours (funny that) and they said if we allowed them to extend her loan using us and our property as a guarantee, she could have the loan...

We thought about it as MIL would have liked to have seen her in a better position (and of course she promised MIL she would be) but 6 months after she got her mate at the bank to fiddle a few things without our guarantee, she filed for bankruptcy. '

Leading up to that, she had borrowed again from finance company for a flash car.

Until you have ATM tattooed on your head, youre not here to offer anyone a financial service.

chamenanged · 06/09/2019 02:36

The reason you have to be a homeowner is so they can secure the loan against your home (and make you homeless if she defaults). So either she doesn't understand what she's asking you for, in which case it's incredibly selfish of her to ask anyway, or she does understand it, which is a million times worse.

Ilady · 06/09/2019 02:50

I would not guarantee any ones loan. She has not told you how much she needs to borrow and why she needs to borrow it.
You need to save hard to buy a home. The bank will look at you income, outgoings and previous credit history before giving you a mortgage.
I would not put your own plans on hold to pay off her debit or distroy your credit history for her either.
If she is in debit let her go to cab and they can advise her.
It one thing say borrowing £50 from a friend till payday in a 5 week month but asking a friend to guarantee a loan is being a CF.
I would tell her I can't lend you money or act as a guarantee for her loan.
If she is not happy about this you better off to lose her so called friendship.
If she stays friendly with you never mention money, your savings or house plans to her until you buy your home.

jellycatspyjamas · 06/09/2019 02:50

You know you’re not going to do it OP, as far as feeling bad, what do you have to feel bad about? Your financial position has got nothing whatsoever to do with your friend, you only have an interest in her finances because she brought you into the situation. It’s not your problem that she’s desperate, has no one else etc any more than it would be to your credit if she were well off or financially secure. Isn’t it funny that our “friends” want us to share their misfortune but rarely their good fortune.

I’d simply say no. No explanation or apology, just a simple “no, I’d never stand guarantor for anyone”.

Adversecamber22 · 06/09/2019 03:11

Never tell anyone about your finances. I didn’t even tell my own family when I paid off my mortgage at what is quite a young age, I was in my thirties.

You need no excuse. I think you should reconsider the friendship.

I have helped my own family with money but they were gifts and not loans.

NextTrainGoesToBEROWRA · 06/09/2019 03:23

“No. Please stop asking.”

You’re welcome.

Roxy8203 · 06/09/2019 03:32

I've been in this exact position although I knew the reason, and I agreed to loan my friend money to get her away from an abusive partner as she wouldn't have been able to leave without help, she paid back ever penny and gave me a bit extra as a thank you but since then it has changed our friendship and she has since asked me to loan her money again and guarantor a loan both of which I have done because I knew her circumstances and couldn't see her and her sons made homeless. But I have also encouraged her to find a better paid job and she has been having interviews and applying for a lot. So I guess my story is different to others but I wouldn't recommend doing especially in your position, your friendship will never be the same

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2019 03:57

@LuluJakey1
Maybe advise your friend to ask the agent to talk to the ll about the situation. I understand she cannot be removed as guarantor. But if your friend is forced to pay perhaps the ll will agree to serve a section 21 on her sister. If they won’t, I think she should make herself a nuisance but without crossing the line to harassment. She can find out who the owners are from applying online for the deeds and contact them.

BlackCatSleeping · 06/09/2019 04:26

Just say you're really sorry but you can't do it.

I think it's because she knows my dad gave me a little money for our savings.

Don't tell her things like that. You know she is struggling.

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