To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

I’d obviously never say this to my friend either!!!!

I know two women in a similar position both had their baby at 47 and are very happy.

Is 47 quite unusual to have a baby? It might give my friend hope but on the flip side, it might also encourage her to keep going with treatments that are emotionally draining on a false hope

Lots of people try at 45 with donor eggs, I see no problem with it myself

Also it isn't false hope if she is using donor eggs, providing there are no additional health issues her chance of success with donor eggs is the same as if she was 37

I wouldn’t like to say when, but my mum had me at 40 and she made no effort to move with the times or socialise with other parents. I still find it hard when some of my friends joke about their mum’s being in their 50‘s when my mum is 72.

I had my dc at 37 and 42 without treatments. I don’t think I’m too old. You can make no effort to socialise at any age...

I think 40+ is WAY too old to be thinking about having a baby! Late 30s is pushing it. It’s not just about increased risk and possible complications it’s not fair on the child.

I guess it’s not so much the physical element but also the energy element of it all. I am knackered at 46 with one kid in secondary & one in primary. I know you can be healthy much later in life now but the thought of being 60 with teenagers feels exhausting!!!

50 for sure

When you can no longer conceive naturally

My sister had a child at 46 naturally!

Well my dh is older and he was in his mid 40s when we had each of our children. He copes quite well with them all, he’s in his early 50s. His brother and cousins have all got health concerns from being fat and idle. He openly acknowledges that having small kids are tiring, but the knock on effect is that he hardly drinks, because kids and hangovers don’t mix. We have no money for lavish meals out or indulgent holidays. When on holiday we are active, and we never get to sit down ever. His bmi is the best it’s ever been and he is healthier now than 20years ago. So yes it’s tiring but we joke the kids are keeping him alive.

However for me, I had a cut off of 35. Each pregnancy has its toll your body and I made a decision not to have anymore after 35. Being pregnant has given me some AUtoimmune issues and although I seem to be fine when pregnant it’s the aftermath that got me.

So o told dh after the first child, we’d best get them in by 35 or I’m not having anymore. There’s a reason why 35 is classed as geriatric. I couldn’t do it again and I’m 37. However I’m pretty sure i could conceive now but I just don’t have the energy to fight illness/recover from birth anymore.

But each to their own I suppose. A lot of people are in better health than me. I would never judge a woman on her age. It’s a personal choice.

@Aridane well my friend hasn’t been able to have kids naturally & is having treatment

@Beautiful3 but what if you can’t have them naturally?

This is the thing- with donor eggs there is no limit and I guess this is the question - when is too old to keep trying?

I’m having my first any day now at 41, entirely naturally-my DH is 46.
I think under 50 is fine.

Most UK clinics cut off at 50 for donor eggs, some will treat up to 54 but theres a lot of requirements such as BMI under 30, liver function tests, full blood count, BP, letter of support from obstetrician happy to support in pregnancy, mammogram, mandatory counselling etc, you have to remember a lot of women aren't starting to try for a family until mid to late 30s and will often try years with assistance sometimes before moving onto donor eggs which then pushes them into mid 40s before they explore donor eggs.

I know life doesn’t work out this way but I think if you know you want children you should plan ahead.

There are a lot more risks involved as you get older and IVF success rate is actually very low. I also can’t imagine how stressful it must be trying to get pregnant in your 40’s knowing it may never happen.

At 45 you could be looking at around a 40% chance of success with donor eggs

I would be more concerned about the dependant child, probably an only child with no sibling support, who potentially losses one or both parents very young or has to deal with elderly parents with failing health. Maybe even before they've left school/uni.

There was a thread on here the other day if you can find it -different because a 46 year old was asking if she was too old for a third baby and clearly your friend has been through the mill just trying to conceive her first.

I'm 46 and feel that 45 is too old, male or female.

"I wouldn’t like to say when, but my mum had me at 40 and she made no effort to move with the times or socialise with other parents."

Neither did my mum and she had me at 28.

In my circle, it's totally normal to start having babies after 35. Most people think that before that is way too young. So a 40 year old mum wouldn't raise any eyebrows.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both older and younger parents.

The people I know having kids in their 20s tend to worry about everything, whereas the mums in their 30s are more relaxed. Younger mums could have more energy or be more able to relate to their children. Older parents have more life experience and more money.

Swings and roundabouts.

People who moan about their parents' age seem very churlish to me.

In the end

Does it make a difference whether it's a first baby? My parents had my sibling (not by IVF or anything) when they were mid-40s. That gives me an opportunity to compare that to their experience with me and other sibling.

There's disadvantages. Mostly that they're that bit older and slower. I know DM found toddler stage harder the second time round because she had less energy (and also two teenagers to look after!) They did also have a higher risk of dying or developing health issues while he was still a dependent, though happily that didn't happen. (It's not as much higher as people think though, partly because your life expectancy is partly dependent on how old you are.) We lost most of our grandparents when my sibling was a teenager, and they were very elderly people even when sibling was born, so I think there was a disadvantage there.

There's also advantages. They were literally older and wiser. They had more patience. They were better off financially (this won't apply to everyone but probably does to many) which did help as well.

So I don't think there's a hard and fast rule, every age has advantages and disadvantages.

On the face of it I think 40 is the cut off. But then it’s a selfish thought because I had mine without any problems at 28 and 31 and I suspect I could have had many more easily should I have chosen to.

I accept I am being completely and utterly unreasonable in thinking this way and had nature got another destination I may well never have given up trying.

I wouldn’t have wanted to have an older parent as the child for sure.

From wikipedia: The oldest verified mother to conceive naturally (listed currently as of 26 January 2017 in the Guinness Records) is Dawn Brooke (UK); she conceived a son at the age of 59 years in 1997

I had my kids in my late 30s, early 40s. I have a friend who had 3 DC in her 40s, I don't think the worry of an early death should stop you having DC in your 40s, of my DCs friends who have lost a parent none of them were 'older parents', tragedies can happen at any age.

I think age is less important than attitude to life, health, exercise etc. I am the product of much older parents (mid 40s and late 50s) and I always feel a bit like these arguements imply that I'd be better not existing! Yeah, there are challenges to having older parents/being an older parent. But isn't that true of most types of family? I think we all need to live and let live a bit.