To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

I had my DC at age 36 and 40 naturally. I would have loved to have been a younger parent but didn't have the opportunity. I was very shy and awkward young woman, didn't have boyfriends and didn't meet my DP till I was in my 30s. My DCs are now teenagers and I have a brilliant relationship with them both. My job also involves working with teenagers and I consider myself far more "with the times" than many of my DC friends parents who are younger!

I always blamed my parents’ extremely shit parenting on their age and had my dc in my late 20’s to try age avoid being like they were. I’ve learnt since that it was down to their personalities and that they actually weren’t old at all by today’s standards (33 for me and 36 for my sister).

I am the child of older parents.

I am seriously glad I exist.

Yes, I knew my parents were older, and sometimes taken for my GPs. But all parents seem reall old to DC, and the extra years were utterly imperceptible.

My DDad died young - it's not much fun losing a parent rapidly to cancer (not age related) and can blight anyone's life. Everyone runs that race so. DMmum is still going strong.

It's older than my personal cut off, though. But my view on it is really relevant. Your friend wants to do this. She doesn't see it as false hope.

I are not betraying any part of your attitude to her.

I had a "surprise" baby at 45 after a 21 year gap. My son's older siblings are almost like another layer of young parents and my oldest grandson is only two years younger than my son. They are all very close.
I have found the teenage years more challenging this time round but that is more due to changing outside factors such as the internet . I am still working so not a pensioner parent ! I guess that nature stops you conceiving after a certain age for a reason.

Everyone's health, fitness and outlook can vary so much that it's impossible to make firm rules. One friend of mine had 3 children without help in her 40s, the youngest at 47; you would most likely guess her age at late 30s if you met her now just turned 50. On the whole, it's best to let the medical professionals give her advice relevant to her particular situation and just support her in whatever path she's following. It must be heartbreaking to be unable to have a child when you want one so desperately, I hope she gets pregnant soon with a healthy baby.

I always said that I would stop ttc 2nd at 42 bit carried in until 43. Not donor eggs though as IVF at this age is highly unsuccessful.

Hopefully your friend is getting counselling and support from fertility clinic. My friend tried up to 47 with no success.

Btw 1 child families are increasingly common nowadays, very much the norm where I live.

I think family health comes into it. My mum became ill in her mid forties with a neurological condition that we never got a proper diagnosis for, died early 50s. As a consequence I personally wouldn't have felt happy having kids after 30 in case same happens to me. As it is at 40 I have arthritis and could not cope with a young one now. But I think if you are healthy and come from a family with good health then into mid to late 40s is fine.

Posted too soon. It’s down to the individual, rather than there being a magic cut off point.

For me I would have said 43 ish. Several of my friends tried until that age. One of dds friends mums had her naturally at 45.
But it's an individual thing. You can't dictate what's right for others. I always said I would stop trying for another at 40 because of the increased risks but that's from the smug perspective of already having 2.

Over 40.

Over 40 is too old for me personally but completely appreciate life doesn’t pan out how we all hope

My DGM had my youngest Uncle naturally when she was 49yo. So, whenever your body clock says.

I wouldn't judge anyone for any age BUT I won't go past 40 when trying for my last one .

I think it is really judgmental for people to say it is selfish to have one over 40. I had ds when I was 41 as I tried from late thirties.

We don't pop it at 70 like the old days so what is the problem?

Tricky. She will be aware of her age and chance of success with or without donor eggs.
Having this discussion with myself at the moment but generally I think mid 40s is prob ok.
I find myself in the same situation as your friend, having battled with fertility issues/ not getting pregnant for the last 7 years. Came off the pill 7 years ago when I was 34 and things just haven’t happened. Have had 4 rounds of IVF with no success - due to my low ovarian reserve and poor quality of eggs (caused by surgery to remove ovarian cysts). Now at 41, we’re down the donor egg route though aware there are no guarantees.
For me, I need to try all I can before giving up on the chance to become a mother/ have a family. I’d imagine your friend probably feels the same and is grateful of your support. Ultimately it’s her choice and I’m sure she is very aware of her age and lack of children to date. I wonder if the OP has children already which may mean you have a different view?!

It’s ridiculous to think so many people put a random age on it. There are so many more important factors.
I got together with DH at 38, we had DS when I was 39 and are ttc number 2 at 41. Should my DS not have a sibling because of me being a couple of months past 40.
Me and DH are fit and healthy, both have professional jobs, a gorgeous home. DS has 2 sets of Grandparents who adore him and look after him 1 day a week each, he still has 3 Great Grandparents. We have regular holidays, he’s at baby gym, park, farm, swimming etc every week. We’ve started cycling.
My dad is 80 and takes DS along on his long walks with him...he thinks nothing of a 5-mile walk.
I’m shocked at how many people feel like they’re practically decrepit at just 40.
My friend adopted a baby at age 50 - she is an amazing mother. Her little girl lives a wonderful life.

Still laughing at the pp who wouldn't have kids past 30 as she likes going clubbing with them 😂
I'm in my 30's and have zero desire to go clubbing with anyone let alone my kids!

I had mine at 25 and 28, my best friend is 36 desperate for D.C. but not even in a relationship. Totally luck of draw as to when you find the person you’re prepared to procreate with and it would be the cruelest thing in the world for me to judge her if it takes her another 10yrs to find a man worthy of fathering her children, just because I got lucky in my mid twenties

It's just so individual, I had my first (& only) child naturally at 43, it was right for us, I can't imagine having a baby under 30, I think that is ridiculously young (would never say it obviously ). I got the odd 'are you the grandparent comment' but that didn't bother me, there were a lot of advantages to having a child later, we were financially secure, comfortable with our lifestyle, confident about bringing a child up etc etc. One set of grandparents are still around and active, I know that's fortunate.

I don't think you can really comment, some people make great parents whatever their age and many don't

My cousin married late and had her only child at 44. Her daughter is now 15, very loved, a mature and intelligent girl.

My husband’s great grandmother had his grandfather at age 54. He was a surprise, all their children were grown. She raised him to adulthood.

There are plenty of grandparents raising grandchildren.

I don’t think age matters, it’s all a matter of attitude.

Everyone is different and I wouldn’t dream of saying anything re my own opinions.
I had 3 in my 20’s and 30’s and met my lovely husband aged 47, was still having regular periods etc and would have loved another baby with him. Decided against it in the end.
Now aged 62 I’m so glad we didn’t.
Really enjoying my little grandchildren but have noticed that in the last couple of years we are finding a full day of childcare so exhausting! The thought of us having a 12/13/14 year old of our own at our age fills me with horror. But as I said, everyone is different.

TheGlitterFairy I was the same, many many years trying and 2 own egg IVFs then moved** onto donor eggs due to premature ovarian failure after surgery for endometriosis and ovarian cysts. I hope it works out for you

DPs were 40 when they had me and 42 when they had my DB.

We had a great childhood and their age was never a factor as far as I recall. They were probably more financially stable and I certainly know that when DB and I became teenagers there was a lot more money available than DSis was one.

However, my grandparents were all gone before I was old enough to remember them and I lost my DF when I was 35 and whilst my children were 5, 2 and DC3 was not born.

DM is 80 and I can really see that she no longer has the energy to interact with my DCs like she did with my older sibling's

Having said that DH's dad died at 42 so I had my father a lot longer than he had his.

I think once you are at an age where you are not realistically going to be able to support your child and are likely to die when they are still young it is not fair on the child. But I wouldn't have the expertise to put a number on that.

Oh dear it's another one of these debates....

I had my children at 42, 43 and 45 all three were conceived naturally and healthy pregnancies.

Had I of met a great man in my mid/late 20's and had several years to have fun together, enjoy holidays, set up home etc then I probably would've had my children in my mid 30's. But I met my partner when I was 36, and we wanted to have fun together etc.

The problem with asking everyone for their opinion is no one elses opinion really matters. And so much depends on your circumstances.

As for the fear of being 'too old' and it being 'selfish' or 'unfair' on your children, life is unfair! My friends husband died of throat cancer at 49 leaving behind to teenage children. I have another friends whose husband has been diagnosed with bowel cancer at 37, their children are 3 and 6. Having children in your 20's and 30's is no guarantee you will see then grow up and having children in your 40's doesn't guarantee you won't!