To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

This kind of thread really annoys me as more often than not it's started by someone who already has children.

I agree with posters who say it's entirely down to the type of person. I'm 35 and expecting my first, but I have relatives who are in their 40s and much fitter and much more active than I was at 28 even.

Since I got into running in my thirties, I'm also fitter now than I was in my 20s.

I think raising children brings its own set of challenges and although yes, there is more risk when you're older, you can get ill etc any age.
I see plenty of young mums who are not engaged with their children at all (not a generalisation, young mums are not all like this) so I guess what I'm trying to say is yes you can have your opinion, but I think YABU to think she's too old.

She's too old in your mind because you wouldn't do the same (you don't think, although you can't really say for sure as you already have children) but that doesn't mean she IS too old.

That was rambly. I need coffee.

My Great Grandmother had the last of her 5 children when she was 45. I think in your 40s is fine but once you get to 50 it is really not a great idea

I had my kids early 40s and don’t think I had less energy than I would have had in my 20s - I needed my sleep more then. Also more money and i’ve Been able to give them opportunities they wouldn’t have had when I was younger so swings and roundabouts. There are increased risks obviously but they are based on low initial risk levels. People saying it’s selfish- are you also saying women with a disability or chronic illness should also not become mothers? Or those who are obese or smoke and are therefore statistically more likely to die prematurely? And if not why is it different to feel you can place restrictions on older women’s fertility?

I wouldn’t have wanted to have them at any older than 42/43 at the absolute oldest. But then that’s easy to say as I had mine at 32 and 35. I’m 46 now and would feel it was too old to be having any. But I’m coming at it from the luxury of having 2 children already I might feel different if I hadn’t had any.

I think around 42-43 would be the oldest i’d ever consider having one.

I got pregnant naturally at 46. Unfortunately I miscarried, and the hormonal effects of the miscarriage drove me into menopause slightly earlier (according to the doctors) than I would otherwise have done.

Now I'm 59, and the thought that I could have a 12 year old is horrific, but then I have other children (all now grown up and gone).

There are no right answers. Everyone does what feels right for them. All I know is that I don't feel now that I could be an adequate parent to a young child - a day at work tires me out and I've gained a liking for pottering, but everyone is different!

My grand mother was 45 when she had my mum, her first and obviously only child. All natural also obviously as in 1940s!

She was a very young mum and my mum had a great upbringing. She passed away at 83, so although early, not drastically so.

I look at pictures of her at 50 and she looked amazing, slim, young looking, and so happy. I was 13 when she died, and have fond memories of her as a child.

She passed away at 83, so although early

Is 83 early to die?

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a baby in your forties.

What I do think is crazy is women who have children in their twenties, then once they're grown up, they have more in their forties. Four decades of child rearing....shudder. Still, doesn't affect me.

I'm not sure why people are talking about fitness and energy levels. Having a baby means conceiving, carrying, and birthing. You can be a marathon running yoga instructor and still have health issues in pregnancy and childbirth. And the reality is that the risk of issues for both mother and baby rise with age. That is a fact.

I have two DCs and am 35. DH wants another, at present I do not. But I will make a final decision by 38 to TTC or not. Older than that I would worry about how my body would cope and also about potential developmental issues with the baby.

At the point when the mother thinks she is too old.
If we talk about own biological children, then biology decides that for you

When I was growing up in the late 60’s early 70’s the only older mums who both had surprise babies in their mid to late 40’s both had downs babies. Of course this was before routine screening and the possibility of using doner eggs but at the back of my mind I do think if this when people discuss older mothers. I know times have moved on screening and medicine have come alone way since then what you see as a child stays with you.
So for this reason alone my cut off point has always been 40. As it was I had my family in my 30’s having married at 29.

People should make decisions based on their own lifestyles/physicals fitness and wants. There are plenty of people now in their 50s/60s/70s who are very fit and healthy.
There two side to this questions, some younger parents struggle, as they are still discovering their own place in the world. Some obviously do flourish but the same thing could be said for older parents. Some will be financially be able to attain extra help, if required and maybe have extra time?
I was a late surprise for parents, my mother was mid 40s and father early 60s. They did get mistaken for my GP occasionally, they were a bit tired but they had a resources to hire in help, as and when needed. My father actually had more time to spend with me and I have very fond memories of my childhood. I did however lose him, in my mid 20s and that really was very difficult(i suspect at anytime it would be so).
Personally had I ever wanted children biologically, I reckon upto about late 30s(me now)
On the other hand, I have experience of raising children and the last went off to Uni a last year. If I am honest, I am quite happy never to worry about the schools admissions,right clubs, parents evenings etc etc!
I do wholeheartedly believe whatever age a person decides to become a parent, they should commit to role,accept mistakes will occur and just be present with lots of love.

I think (and it's a personal opinion) 40 is the upper limit. My friend's parents were 40 when they had her and now we are 40 they are 80 and very elderly compared to everyone else's parents.

Thanks Lauren83 that’s great to know and gives me hope! Surgery sounds the same as mine (forgot the endo part in my post earlier). Thanks again

"they are 80 and very elderly compared to everyone else's parents"

I mean, so what honestly? What does that have to do with anything?

I'd rather have nice older parents who died when I was young than shit young parents who lived til I was old.

You only have to look at the number of people who are NC with their parents to see that there are no guarantees in life and that we're better off doing what we choose.

Any of the men me or my friends dated in our 20s would have been terrible fathers so I'm glad we all waited til we were older to have children. I'd be really interested to see how divorce rates/rates of men looking after kids and so on looks for each age category.

its always interesting to look backwards in time to when there was no/little birth control. My father, for instance, had an aunt who was the same age - his mother was the oldest in the family -his aunt was the youngest. Healthy, fertile women continued to have children until they completed the menopause. I remember reading an article that stated humans remained healthy long after menopause to help look after grandchildren - therefore it makes sense that if you are healthy enough to bear children why shouldn't you have them?

A colleague of mine used a surrogate to conceive her second child at 50. The first dc was 7/8 and she had 5 miscarriages after her. Inwardly I was a bit horrified I must admit.

now we are 40 they are 80 and very elderly compared to everyone else's parents

I don't see the issue with this. A forty year old is an adult and heading rapidly towards middle age. Why does it seem shocking that they'd have elderly parents? They're forty, not teenagers.

I think, purely subjectively, that 50 would probably be a good time to call it a day if treatment has failed by then. You could be a very youthful 75 year old with a 25 year old DC ( and I know some very youthful 75 year olds) and your main parenting responsibilities would be over by then.

i really don't buy into this "lack of energy" nonsense, I'm in my 60's and most of my friends are either working full time or engaged in energetic leisure activities - we talk about having more energy rather than less. Of course it is likely you will be better off as a mother in your 50's and could have help with cleaning etc.

if you live to be 90 your child will be 40 then and if, like many others, they have been unable to buy a house at least they ;will get yours at a reasonable age. I had my two sons in my late 30's , they live in London and they joke about having to wait until they are in their 60's for their inheritance!

I would have liked to have 3 or 4 children had my life taken a slightly different course. I'd have been happy to keep trying into my 40's for number 3.

@thatmustbenigelwiththebrie
I agree
My father in law was 40 when DH was born and there is such a generational gap they just don't have the close relationship that I see others have and I feel sad for them both. He's now in his 80s compared to mine who are early 60s and the difference is startling

DH will be over 40 if we have more children but I will definitely be counselling our children that if they want their own kids not to leave it as late as we did m!

I think it at least partly depends on the age the person feels and acts, as much as their physical age.

I never wanted to be an older mother and always said if I didn't have a child by 30 I wouldn't at all. I'm now 38 and expecting my first. The reason I was so adamant I didn't want to be and older mum was due to my mother: she was almost 42 when I was born and has always been 'old'. But that's as much due to her mentality as her age. My DP's mother is ten years older than her, yet is much younger in character, and even at 90 isn't really an 'old woman', whereas mine has been since about 60.

A very good friend of mine had a child at 43, and that's when I realised that the numbers don't matter.

Really the only people this is relevant to as a concern is the mother and I guess her partner.

I'm having all my children post 40 (much like my paternal grandmother). I don't feel too old and I'm definitely a better parent now than I would have been in my 20s.

@Megan2018

Congratulations! 😀😀😀😀

Anything over 35 is technically risky, Down syndrome increases to 1 in 350 by 35 and 1 in 100 by 40 for example. Miscarriage risk is also higher for older Mother’s so that’s worth considering.

Personally 40 is pushing it for me so 45 is too old. I say this because of the risk involved and the fact you will already be in your sixties when they leave school.