To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

"there is such a generational gap they just don't have the close relationship that I see others have and I feel sad for them both"

That depends so massively on personality though.

I know people 10 years younger than me who act like my parents age. My grandma still acted like a young person into her 70s.

In fact, I find people who have children young tend to age faster than people who had children when they're older. A lot of my school friends who had kids in their early 20s look and act ancient compared to me.

Thank you @howrudeforme, scary times!
39 weeks today with induction booked for EDD.

We were 40 and 45 when we conceived and did pay to have the Harmony test at 10wks to check for chromosomal abnormality.

We were half heartedly trying, but interestingly one of my friends has just accidentally got pregnant (no other DC) in her mid 40’s from a single contraceptive failure. Her DP is similar age. They are undecided yet whether to proceed.

I come from good genes though, my grandmother is the same age as the Queen and lives independently and my parents are 70 and still fit and active (my Dad still works out of choice and did a second postgrad qualification recently).

I am having the easiest pregnancy (have diet managed gestational diabetes but that’s the only complication), still mucking out my horse and feeling fabulous.

Age is really just a number-you can be old at 30 if you are unhealthy or unlucky.

I think it's entirely down to a woman's fertility if you can have kids than brilliant keep trying until you reach the menopause.

I'm 25 and just found out I am Pregnant, I Ideally want all my kids (2 or 3) by the time I'm 30. This isn't due to an age thing its just every woman in my mothers family line has suffered with early menopause my mother herself started the changed at 32. I'd never of forgiven myself if I had waited until mid 30s to try and find out I couldn't. But that is due to my family history, I think its down to the woman themselves.

If you think about it there is never a good time to have a baby, your always saving for something, a house, a new car, home upgrades, wanting to travel more.

So in all, Down to the individual! if by some miraculous event I don't have the early menopause like everyone in my family I would crack on until mid 40s but there's such a high chance we aren't risking it.

It took us a year to get pregnant now, at 25. I can only imagine its going to get harder and harder as time goes on.

@Skittlenommer I think the problem with saying 40+ is way too late is that some people have no choice. I was very fortunate to have my kids in my early 30's, my best friend is now 39 and trying hard for her first- she was in bad relationships all through her 30's though really wanted kids. Together with medical issues it's been difficult. I think she'd be sad to read your post, though I know we are all entitled to our opinions.

Another sad point is my mum was late 30's when she had me and is still around, (now in her 70's) my friends mum had her in her mid 20's and tragically died of cancer when we were just 10, so you just never know how life will go. I would say that my mum being older than average at that time did worry me, so I see your point in that sense, but I'm a worrier anyway so not sure if others would have the same experience in that sense.

In my personal opinion 42 would be the max for me. And even then I feel that’s pushing it.

I had a friend at primary school who’s mum was 52 when we were 8 and she hated it.
For sports days the mum couldn’t join in like the younger parents as she just didn’t have the energy.
When new trends and gadgets came about the mum was always clueless.
Obviously when it came to our older years - my friend found it difficult to have a relationship with her mum as they had no common ground. Her mother was from a different time and again found it difficault keeping up with newer trends/ topics and so again there was no common interests between each other.
I remember my friend even feeling resentful that her parents were so ‘old’ and she used to feel so embarrassed when her mum used to pick her up that in middle school she would tell classmates it was her grandma just so other kids wouldn’t make fun of her ‘old’ mum.

Each to their own, but I found my second pregnancy at 35/36 much harder, and I feel I have aged a lot since the birth of DC2. I’m definitely glad I’m through the worst of it with regards to sleep deprivation and the kids needing constant attention now that I’m 40...

@whattodowith Here's a shocker...... you can have a child with Down's syndrome at any age! I was under 35! Even if I was older he would be a 'risk' worth taking!

"For sports days the mum couldn’t join in like the younger parents as she just didn’t have the energy."

A 52 year old not being able to join in a three legged race sounds like she had major health problems rather than her age.

I don't know any 52 year olds who are that unfit, and many who are more active than people in their 20s.

Ageism everywhere.

I think decades ago, fifty year old women looked and appeared very different to what fifty year old women look like now.

Menopause age.

When did I say it was a 3 legged race ??

Touchy touchy

It's completely individual.
I feel too old to have children now at 38 but I that's probably because I've been a parent for 19 years.

I'm 29 and I don't join in at sports day because I bloody hate exercise!

They don't have a parent's race at my daughters school so I wouldn't worry about that.

The oldest I know someone to have their first baby is early 40s and that was after fertility problems. Most people I know who have children, myself included, is early 20s to early 30s.

"For sports days the mum couldn’t join in like the younger parents as she just didn’t have the energy."

Gosh

I am 52 and my son is 10. Conceived naturally. I am probably fitter than 95% of you lot. Age is about attitude and being in good health. Son thinks I am cool as f**k but would be cooler if I could manage doubles at the mountain bike park.

"For sports days the mum couldn’t join in like the younger parents as she just didn’t have the energy."

This is absolute nonsense. Are you suggesting that anybody with a disability or illness that prevents them running also shouldn't have kids? Some women are very fit even in their late 60s / early 70s, others might struggle in their early 20s, some women with disabilities take part in sport and have a far higher fitness level than the vast majority of people their age but might not be able to run. Parenting isn't judged a success only if the mum wins the egg and spoon race FFS.

You guys don’t have to like what I said but I said it and I won’t take it back.

I’m talking from personal experience - I didn’t make a generalisation so weather you like it or not or agree or not I don’t care.

I’m speaking from what I know

Typical mumsnet - of all the points I’ve made that are valid; the only one people seem to be upset about is the point about mum not able to join in the sports day.

I don’t care what you feel like in your 50’s or other women you know.

OP asked opinions and I gave my personal experience.

Deal with it

A friend of my aunties had a baby at 47 1/2 naturally and did not realise she was pregnant until she was 5 months as was only having irregular periods/start of menopause immediately before she got pregnant. It was a huge shock to her as she had two other children of 14 and 11. I baby sat for her and she seemed to cope ok. Her eldest child was taken with baby and did a lot to help/take over.

To me 45 is way too old .. I'm that age and have two children. I think people underestimate how things can go wrong the older you get .
Of course it's up to the individual but remember your child may be embarrassed by an older parent etc .

Sorry I've not RTFT but for me it comes down to individual circumstances. I know 3 women who had first babies at 48 years old, 2 were IVF and one was a big naturally conceived surprise after years of infertility. One is a single mum by choice (donor sperm) who's health is not brilliant, has zero family back up or friends nearby to help out in a crisis... Her child is of an age now where she gets stressed about what might happen to her if her mum dies, and this has come as no surprise to me sadly. Sometimes I think desperation to have a child took over and not enough consideration was given to future circumstances 🤷🏻‍♀️ For me, I was lucky and had two kids with no difficulty conceiving in late 30s, but my partner and I had agreed if it didn't happen by 45 we would stop trying at that point.

I think it's really sad when people just decide on an arbitrary age that's 'too old' to have a baby.

You can never know what will happen in life. We all know people who have lost parents really young, and those who have much older parents who are still alive and kicking. As for being a younger grandparent, what if your child waits until their 40 to have their own baby? There are no guarantees.

Everyone should just do what feels right for them and not worry about putting a label on it.

Of course it's up to the individual but remember your child may be embarrassed by an older parent etc .

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest....I'm sure most parents are embarrassed by their children at points too but it's not the be all and end all!

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old?

When the hospital tell you that your eggs are no longer viable.

After that you have donors or surrogacy though. Then fostering/adoption if that is is for you.