To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

For me personally, I would not want to conceive after 35 which doesn't give us long to have a 3rd( on the fence). My dh is 40 and for him the cut off is 45.

For a first baby though, I would say 45. The first few years of running after a toddler are so draining plus you never know what your child will be like in terms of sleep, eating and temperament. It can be a real slog. Also as you get older longterm health problems can also come to the forefront, just because you were fit at 40 doesn't mean you will be in your 50samd dealing with that plus young children would be super stressful and tiring. It is true that you can develop a longterm health condition at any age but the likelihood does increase with age! You will get several posters saying how they have had kids in their 40s and are fit as a fiddle but older parents should always consider what it would be like in your 50s with primary school aged kids, high school in 60s and maybe not being around to see their grandkids or be much support to their children when they become grandparents. Parenting is more tiring as you get older!

I'm 47, and I am absolutely definitely too old to have another baby (had mine when I was late 20s/early 30s). I would have neither the energy nor the patience.

I’m 46 ,I’d love another .but not at my age to many things to go wrong ,plus if I died early I’d be leaving a child not an adult to fend for themselves..

A relative of mine had twins at 46 after 20 years of trying with her husband, so many rounds of ivf. Her husband was 52 when the children were born. Their children are now 10 and yes they look more like grandparents, but it was the hand they were dealt, they’d have had children in their early/mid 20s if it’d happened when they first started trying after they got married and would probably be grandparents now. I think they probably were too old when it did finally happen but these babies were so so badly wanted for many years, they didn’t set out to be old parents.

Generally speaking though I think 40 is too old, my parents had my sister (a later life oops) at 40 and 42, they were pushing it, my brother and I were teenagers by that point. I have little sympathy and don’t agree with women who choose to put off having children then get to 40 and think OMG I NEED a baby and then realise it isn’t going to happen easily. My personal cutoff though is 37. I’m 36 this year and we are planning to have 1 more, I got pregnant first try with my first and second child (they are both under 3) so hopefully it’ll happen quickly but if it doesn’t we’ll stop trying once I turn 37.

I think 45 is pushing it but it depends on personally circumstances - working and having young children just gets harder the older you are - I didn't want to be any older than 36 but suffering secondary infertility is pushing the time line out a bit. For me 100% not any older than 40

Personally I wouldn't go down the donor egg route so if IVF doesn't work for us in the next 12 months then that will be it

Considering I'm back at uni, DP will be at least 38 and that's assuming I got pregnant as soon as I graduated. We'd rather I got a job first and if we had any problems ttc he will easily be into his forties. I don't think I'd want to give up for many years. It'd be DP's second though so maybe he'd feel different by then.

So much ageism on this thread. It's sad to see. I don't see anyone saying "younger parents are all feckless idiots who probably drink every evening and have no idea what to do with their children". Not sure why it's ok to make assumptions that older mums are all staid frumpy energy-free lumps with no energy.

My personal cut off point was 40 and I was lucky to have my second dc in my 40th year. My children are teens now and have many friends with parents the same sort of age as me. The oldest Mum to give birth I know personally was 45 - and she is a bit of a rarity. Those 5 years between 40 and 45 seem to have a very sharp down turn in birthing rates, for obvious reasons.

I think these threads are just another way to mildly bash women for their different choices. You don't even mention your friend's partner in your OP. Is he/she too old or not up for criticism? Is your mate going to be a decent/good mother would be a better question. That's really all that matters, within reason.

Totally agree Live, and I do think (some) young parents appear totally incapable of raising a child.

p.s. the phrase, "pushing it" should be banned. Pushing what?

Completely dependant on the individual and their circumstances. A pointless thread...how longs a piece of string?

.... one of those ol' lady shopping trolleys down to Morrisons?

Agree on the comment re young mums. An ex of mine was very young when he had his DC and was and still is totally incapable of raising him. But sure bash all the older mums.

My mother was older when she had me and my dad was in his 50s I spent my teens, twenties and still now being his main carer. It does annoy me slightly because I feel the main part of my life I have spent sorting his hospital/drs/food shops even stuff like taking him to the hairdressers etc. But how can you not do it when it’s your dad? I would say anything over 40 male or female is too old. However I do love my parents whatever and I wouldn’t be here without them.

I don’t understand the energy thing either. What are you meant to be doing with your dc?
I had mine Mid 30’s and 40. Youngest is 7 and I can’t think what I need more energy for. We’re an active family, I take them out a lot, they go to clubs, dh takes them out, house is fairly tidy, dinner is cooked every day, I help them with their homework, I work part time.
I think most people in their 40’s are capable of that.

Would also like to add to this thread my parents really did give me a lovely childhood! Which I would of had if they’d of had me in their 20s or 40+. I would never say anyone of any age shouldn’t be a parent as there is pros and cons to either I had DS in my 20s which was right for me and if I had waited another 10+ years my dad probably wouldn’t of met my DS, possibly my mum too.

I personally dont see a "cut off" as such,but feel that 45 is at the top end of conceiving a child.Many people dont have the opportunity to try for children earlier these days ,and there are many opportunities for younger women now.Having said that ,you are approaching middle age with very young children. Possibly without the support network of Grannies and Grandpas who may also need care and support as well I feel many people dont really realise this !.From a medical viewpoint there are many Clinics cashing in on peoples hopes and dreams with a fairly low Success rate .

When the menopause takes care of the problem.

I'm 47 and I have two children age 16 & 12. I wouldn't want to have a third baby now, but only because I'd be giving up my freedom again just as I'm getting it back again.

But if I'd never had any children yet I still feel young enough to go ahead and start a family. I'd probably be a bit more tired but overall I'm more calm, wise and patient and fitter now than I was when I had my kids in my 30s.

Also any kids being born when parents are older won't have to wait so long for any inheritance, which I know sounds callous but we all live so long nowadays and house prices are so crazy that the next generation struggles to get on the ladder. Not saying that everyone will have inheritance obviously, but for those who do. And of course the sadness of saying goodbye to parents earlier will be very difficult.

Women can do whatever they wish, I don't have an opinion on what other people should do but I must admit I look at women who are pregnant in their mid forties and think, holy shit, I'd rather you than me.

@05ThirstyGhost
"p.s. the phrase, "pushing it" should be banned. Pushing what?"

Pushing it, means to force, or persue something, 'push to the limit'. So if you are pushing for a baby by the use of donor eggs etc, then it fits.

There's also the use in regards to age, which is short for, 'pushing up daisies' ie in your grave.

Both perfectly acceptable.

There's lots of groups of people who ideally shouldn't have children, as said, why just pick on age?

I worked in Children's Services and we'd have foster carers into their 70's. Their energy and patience was astounding. We had a Woman in her 50's, who was a ling term foster for three Siblings aged six months to three years old.

I had mine under 30. Now, in my 50's I'm a hands on grandmother. I don't recognise the lack of energy that people are describing. My DD works away and i have my Grandchildren for her. I cope better than her with sleep deprivation. In fact she came to stay with me, at times, so i could do the night wakings and early mornings. I acted as a night nanny for her, in my late 40's and no, i didn't sleep during the day.

My Mother had me at 40. She helped me with mine, into her 80's.

I would set a cut off at around 55, though, unless there are very special circumstances, such as wealth, younger partner, really supportive family etc.

The irony of course is that women have the longer life expectancy but there is far more stigma about being an older mum than an older dad.

@LiveInAHidingPlace I got the impression most people were talking about themselves or their experiences with their own parents though, not making generalised ageist statements. Plus, the thread is about the maximum age people would be comfortable with having a baby. No need to turn it into a young parent bashing-fest is there? That’s just as ageist in itself.

When you can no longer conceive naturally

How does that work for those women who can’t conceive naturally at any age?