To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

@WilburIsSomePig

Read only original comment on the first page before making assumptions

I spoke about a FRIEND of mine who had older parents and gave a recollection of how she felt growing up with older parents.

Read my original comment*

That part of your post looked like a general 'you'....as in 'you older mums'.

You have quite the way about you, don't you. Ever thought of getting a living writing inspirational quotes or greeting cards? I can see your Mother's Day range doing well.

@CTRL

Is this thread still going on?

user1493759849 doesn’t have to give her age and doesn’t have to give details about when she had children....

The original question to the thread was question when YOU think is too old to have children. Why some of you feel other users need to justify anything to you is beyond me.

And @Bubbletrouble43

What makes you so sure that all 23 year olds are in the situation being with an unsuitable partner and living in rented accommodation ???

See what makes me laugh is you older mums don’t like when generalisations are made about you because you chose to start a family later in life.... Yet still you feel it’s a sooooo fine to make generalisations about younger mums to feel better about the fact that your an older mother.

It’s immature. And if I’m honest pathetic.

Many of my friends who have had children in their 20’s; own their own home and have been with their partners since high school. Some even together since primary school.

Just because you couldn’t get your life together when you were younger don’t make blazè comments about others....

Like I said. The rudest posts on here are from older women who can’t handle the fact that there is a cut off age - 35+ is a geriatric pregnancy; regardless of how you feel.

And as much as you tell yourself your young and your children don’t notice the obvious age difference between their classmates younger parents and them having older parents - they DO.

Fine if you believe different but theres plenty of posts here from Mumsnetters who grew up with older parents and who are talking from LIFE EXPERIENCE and even have agreed with the latter that there are few positives to it.

What you tell yourself to sleep better at night is fine. But stop trying to prove some point that older mothers make better mothers, because as it’s clearly been said over and over and over again - that’s not always the case.

Great post!

And yeah you're right (thank you!) I do NOT have to give my age, and nor do I have to answer the question 'do you have kids?' and 'how old were you when you had them?' (if I have them!) And I won't be telling anyone, no matter how many times the same 2 or 3 posters continually nag me and goad me to tell them.

@Ginger1982 has asked me 5 or 6 times if I have kids and how old they are! It makes me wonder why she is sooooo desperate to get an answer out of me. why she continues to nag and goad me, and why she is so obsessed with me! Very odd. I don't know whether to feel flattered, or scared!

Basically, it's got fuck-all to do with anyone on here. If you think I am telling any of you shag-all about my personal life, you are mistaken. Coz let's face it, no matter WHAT I say, it will be used against me, for having the temerity to say I don't think women should be having babies after their VERY early 40s.

@hazeyjane

Well next time it’s better to get clarity before jumping the gun...

And thanks for the tip. I’ll think about that I could see the Mother’s Day range going well too.

Following with interest.

@WilburIsSomePig.. agreed. You make some good comments.

@Bubbletrouble43.. don't be tempted to leave MN just because of the insensitive comments of others..so not worth it.

I'm an (selfish reckless) older mum. I had my one and only at 40. Nearly 41. I had been with DH for years but we struggled with job losses and renting insecure damp houses as we had no choice or help. So we didn't want to put a child thu this. We realised we couldn't put it off any longer and DS was born after 2 mcs and thank god we got out of the awful house a few years later. So it hasn't been easy. And i can't see the logic of saying people who leave having kids to their 40s are wrong and selfish. How bizarre! Everyone's life experiences are different.

As for higher risks of the foetus developing DS, my risk result was extremely low for my age. So you can't generalise on that either. No one knows i'm the age i am and i don't look or feel old on the school playground either!

age has nothing to do with it.

The most sensible thing said on this thread.

@CTRL I don't know how old you are and I don't care but I do see that you clearly think that your opinions are facts. They're not. It's a shame, because it would be good to have a reasonable debate on quite an interesting subject but you don't seem to be able to engage in that without being rude, so you seem to be after a bun fight. That's not really my style so I'll be out after this post and leave you to it.

I wasn't an older mum myself by the way so it's not that I feel your vitriol is directed at me.

There are some fantastic young parents and some not so good parents. Likewise with older parents.

I would never assume anything about anyone. I always think making assumptions makes you an arsehole.

Maybe work on making your writing a bit clearer to get your point across, but don't lose that patronising touch.

Even though the NHS has an age that is considered geriatric in practice that has varies with time, I was only classed as geriatric with my youngest (I was 37, 39 and 41 when I had my DC), my cousin was called geriatric when she had her first at 30 (her eldest is now an adult) and my sister has a colleague who claims she was considered geriatric at 25 in the 1980s. It's about how they classify you for monitoring not a red line that shouldn't be crossed. The majority of women who get pregnant in their late 30s have straightforward healthy pregnancies and will be around until their children are themselves into late middle age. If you delay pregnancy until your 40s there are increasing risks (mainly of miscarriage) but there are still tens of thousands of women every year having healthy babies in their 40s. And life expectancy for women is currently 82.9 years so these women will see their children well into adulthood.

Oh, and look at these interesting graphs about when people have their DC!

Depends on the person surely. I do think the lady of 73 in India was pushing it. But mid forties ? - meh. Unfortunately however fertility does decline with age, so people should make informed decisions.

@WilburIsSomePig

It’s nothing to do with being rude.

If you have been following the thread as I have and read ALL my comments apart from the comments that offended you; you would see that I said that from the beginning. It’s not about age it’s about the quality of life.

Nobody said older mothers couldn’t be good parents but the original question; the question which I answered was regarding what age ‘I’ think is too old. And I gave an answer and a full example of having older children not just being about how the mother feels but from a child’s point of view. I gave my personal experience.

You don’t have to like it and fine. But don’t try and twist the point I was making.

And your absolutely right that making assumptions makes you an arsehole - that’s why I’m pointing out that the older mothers here that feel they are better mothers because they chose to start a family later in life and avoided all the problems that apparently ALL young mothers face (unstable homes, unstable relationships and money worries) are arseholes for thinking so.

Read the thread properly before stomping on other opinions. And again that’s another point I’m making. ITS AN OPINION. THATS WHAT THIS THREAD IS ABOUT.

If you can’t have a debate with an open mind then simply don’t join in.

@hazeyjane

How about reading the thread before jumping on the one post that offended you.

Nothings patronising about the truth

@Bubbletrouble43 - please don't feel you need to leave because someone is nasty to you. You can't get someone who enjoys being rude to behave appropriately, but you can step away from engaging with that person and still interact with others.

Just wanted to post an update.

The 74 year old mother is ICU after giving birth, whilst her husband is also in the hospital.

metro.co.uk/2019/09/14/worlds-oldest-mum-74-intensive-care-giving-birth-10741702/

*in