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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

466 replies

Stripyseagulls · 05/09/2019 04:56

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

OP posts:
HJWT · 05/09/2019 06:25

I think as long as the woman is happy and healthy then its up to her, but on the other hand its cruel on the DC the older you get.

I had a friend at school her mum was 40's and dad 50's when she was born, some horrible boys used to call her dad a pedophile even though he had passed away! It was heartbreaking for her.

My DM is raising 3 grandchildren though at 60, even though she is disabled and exhausted I would say the kids have a good quality of life and don't miss out on much.

avocadoincident · 05/09/2019 06:25

What sort of age are you @Skittlenommer if you don't mind me asking?

Ithinkmycatisevil · 05/09/2019 06:26

My mum had my sister at 42, it’s took its tole and she had a lit of health problems after, which really had a knock on effect on family life throughout my teenage years, pitting our family into quite difficult circumstances. I was quite angry with her for putting us all through it for her burning need for a late baby (she already had 4 kids)

For that reason my personal absolute max is 40. My sister found it quite tough having older parents. It’s not just about having a baby at 45, 46, if you’re fit and healthy, it’s probably manageable. It’s having a 15 year old at 60 probably not having any grandchildren until you’re over 70 and maybe in poor health. You never know what health issues you develop as time goes on. I know you can develop things at any age, but there’s no denying the risk increases with age.

I think the ship may have sailed for your friend.

TakeMe2Insanity · 05/09/2019 06:27

I had my first at 39 not through a desire to have my first at 39 but that was when it actually happened for me. We had 10 years infertility beforehand. We’d like number 2 but I’ve 4 miscarriages in the last two years. Now that is taking it’s toll. 45 is my cut off just simply because I think the gap would be too big. I think you know whats right for you. In terms of tiredness I get MIL constantly saying I couldn’t do that at your age but I don’t know any different in terms of dc and feel incredibly lucky to have dc. I do feel tired BUT every mum I talk to is tired.

x2boys · 05/09/2019 06:32

Easy to say it's too.old if you have kids though, I'm 46, in a couple of months there's no way of be trying for a baby at my age but I have two children my oldest is nearly 13 and my youngest is 9 .

fantasmasgoria1 · 05/09/2019 06:33

I think its partly a matter of choice and health. Personally I would not have had a child after 30. I had mine at 19 and 21 and they are now young adults. I have been clubbing with them etc which I may not have done if they were say 20 and I was 65 after having them at 45. But it's personal choice.

CrispMornings · 05/09/2019 06:36

35 and 38 here. Huge difference in my energy levels at 38. However, am now 59 and I think having young people has kept me younger. Intend to work for as long as I can.

I only have one regret - not having a third because I made 40 my cut off and wasn't quite ready until I'd have been 41.

HennyPennyHorror · 05/09/2019 06:36

I'm 47 tomorrow and have two DC aged 15 and 11. If I got pregnant I could manage. I'm not too old...just a bit tired!

horse4course · 05/09/2019 06:36

Do you mean it's somehow morally wrong to try that late?

I'm sure your friend knows she's less likely to conceive and give birth than a 20 yr old would be. But you don't get to choose to be 20, you get to choose whether to try.

I don't seem the harm in trying as long as you're able/can afford it. It's just a question of whether it's worth it for the individual woman in her own particular circumstances.

IrishMamaMia · 05/09/2019 06:37

I think late twenties, early thirties is great if you have your ducks in a row. My parents had me quite young and it's brilliant as they still have lots of energy and I've had years with my grandparents too.
On the other hand lots of women in their late thirties are a bit more secure financially which is always helpful when kids enter the equation. Two relatives of mine have teenagers, while in their fifties, that didn't appeal to me at all.
Obviously you can only really plan to an extent but risks factors do increase over a certain age. There seem to be lots of mumsnetters who it's worked out okay for.

JoJoSM2 · 05/09/2019 06:39

I think it’s absolutely fine. Your friend’s DC will be an adult by the time she retires.
The only downside I can think of is being mistaken for a granny - but then that depends on your area and how you carry yourself.

Fatshedra · 05/09/2019 06:39

If you are considered too old - too old to do what with the DCs.
A lot of young DPs don't run in the park, play football or tennis etc with their DCs, it's a bit ageist asking, imv, because it depends on the person.

duckling84 · 05/09/2019 06:40

When nature says no. I think if you wait until your 40s to ttc you just have to accept that it might never happen.

If your friend is looking to use donor eggs, she clearly isn't worried about a genetic child so why not consider adoption or fostering. You dont have to go through pregnancy to become a mum

Crimson72 · 05/09/2019 06:41

I don’t understand the tiredness thing. I can honestly say I have just as much energy now (mid-30s) as I did 10 years ago!

TheClitterati · 05/09/2019 06:41

I had dc2 at 43.

I'm
Now nearly 52, still have regular periods. Could possibly conceive naturally. But I wouldn't - 2 is enough.

Each to their own.

Grumpos · 05/09/2019 06:43

There are unfit / unhealthy / antisocial mothers of all ages. Being 28 or 38 is a moot point unless you are identical in all other areas - financial stability, emotional maturity, relationship longevity etc etc
Age is ONE factor therefore really what you should be asking is: how rubbish is too rubbish to be a mum?
If you don’t have an income?
If you don’t have a bullet proof relationship?
If you don’t have a degree as min education?
If you have mental health issues?

Kinda sick of seeing the age issue touted as an issue (“late 30s is too old” - get a grip ffs!!!! - most of us are barely an adult in our 20s!)

The question is actually would your mum make a good parent regardless? If she ticks 9 of 10 parent boxes, does 5/10 years age gap at the school gates really matter?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/09/2019 06:44

It's daft to say 40+ is too old.
I would not say it's ideal (risks are higher and energy may well be less) but it's much more common now, given that people are finding partners/settling down later in life.

Lots of dd's friends have had babies (naturally) at 40, 41, 42. One had her 2nd at 45.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 05/09/2019 06:53

Me personally, I'd have been too old at 38/39. I'd have managed a new born but couldn't manage the resultant 5/6yo now in my early/mid 40's. I'm tired and everything creaks!

NoSauce · 05/09/2019 06:56

43

alliejay81 · 05/09/2019 06:58

It's 2019, why are we trying to police another woman's body? Her body her choice. It has nothing to do with any of us.

Not every child is born into a family with two 30 year old kind, active parents who love each other and have comfortably enough money to support their kids. Why should we judge an older mum any more than anyone else that fails to meet the ideal?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/09/2019 07:00

It's easy to say it's too old when you have children.

I had my first (and only) child at 22. I am now 29 and don't want to do it again as I don't want to still be doing school runs in my 40s. My 40s will be "me" time.

If I didn't have DS I'm sure I would feel entirely differently.

I went to school with a girl whose parents conceived her in their late 40s. It was a bit more unusual at that time as parents were younger then. But it never seemed to be a disadvantage, she never got picked on by the other children. There are some negatives though - she has a DS of her own now and unfortunately her DF passed away (in his 70s) when his grandson was only 3 months old.

Fuma · 05/09/2019 07:00

I agree it's more about if you can provide for and care for your child. In that sense the only consideration for me would be if the pregnancy were likely to leave me with health problems that could impact on that. I know that can happen at any age but it's more likely as one gets older. So I'd get that checked out. However just being older per se isn't a negative thing.

The other thing that would concern me in your friend's case is what this is doing to her emotionally. However presumably she feels it's worth it and so that's entirely up to her. However I was by the side of a friend who went through similar (decided at 40 to have a baby, had many interventions) and was unsuccessful in the end and I know she's found it very hard to come to terms with the emotional and financial toll it took on her when ultimately it didn't work. But again this can happen with younger women who also have fertility struggles.

So I guess there isn't really anything about it that's so bad, and I'm sure she's quite clear headed about her chances of success. Here's hoping that it works for her.

WitsEnding · 05/09/2019 07:04

You shouldn't even ask the question, if she's self-funding. The older you get, more depends on fitness levels than age - but framing the question in terms of fitness would be more obviously unacceptable.

LoveThatJazz · 05/09/2019 07:08

I'm 35 and that's always a been my 'cut off'.

I wasn't sure if I wanted DC, I'm now at my own personal 'too old' age, so that's that.

I think being 40 and having a 5 year old is okayish, but 50 with a 15 year old less okay (personally!!)

My DH is 45 so he'd be 60 and when our hypothetical child is 15; that seems far too old to me. We'd be out of touch and both less energetic, it wouldn't be fair on DC.

My friend had her one and only DC aged 41, her DC started secondary school this week and she posted a picture, she honestly looked like her grandmother and not her mum. She's told me her DC cries at night knowing her mum is older than other mums and she is anxious she will die.

flumpybear · 05/09/2019 07:09

Each to their own. I'd want to ensure I had a good family or friend base in case we died young (morbid lol!) so the child had a good network, but some people just aren't in a position to have kids earlier on

I would be rubbish though, I've got stuff in my 40's so Would be rubbish at all the floor based stuff with babies now at 47 - so my youngest was born 7 years ago which was late enough for me!