To ask when you think it’s too old to have your first baby

[Stripyseagulls]

My good friend is desperate for her first baby & has had loads of treatment but it’s not working. I really feel for her a lot & she’s not ready to even start to think about not trying & is hoping to use donor eggs. She’s nearly 45 though.

I would never say this to her and I am trying to be positive but when is it too old? I almost feel like it’s a topic that can’t be discussed generally as it comes across as ageist. For me, the thought of having a 10 year old at 55 isn’t great to be honest - still having to be at primary school etc.

Aibu to ask what age you think is too old? Should I even ask the question?

Gosh I never realised so many woman had such strong views on the topic. My youngest is 3 months. I'm 42. I dont feel old. I have 4 ranging from 8 to newborn. I'm healthy and my kids are great. Do what the fuck you like I reckon.

Oh and I've fallen pregnant first time everytime with the last being a "gift". Age based statistics are subject to so many variables.

What amazes me about this thread (apart from the frankly depressing ageism) is that ppl know how old their casual acquaintances are - I have no idea how old most ppl are, would probably make an inaccurate guess if asked, & really don't ever think about it. The idea that 50/60 year olds look 'old' is so outdated!

You have to blame doctors for a lot of this though.
Years ago all women 35 & over were advised to have an Amnio. Even today, the mothers age is still taken into account when calculating the risk of having a Down’s syndrome child, with women over 40 being at particular high risk. As far as the nhs is concerned anyway.
These attitudes have an effect on how people view age & pregnancy.

Even today, the mothers age is still taken into account when calculating the risk of having a Down’s syndrome child, with women over 40 being at particular high risk. As far as the nhs is concerned anyway.

Are you disputing the fact that the risk of having a child with downs increases with age?

No, not at all.

But anyone can have a child with Down’s syndrome - in fact, according to statistics, most Down’s syndrome children are born to younger women.

I don’t understand what you’re trying to say with your “even today, the mother’s age is taken to account when calculating the risk” post then. More younger women have children with Down’s syndrome because more younger women are having babies.

Just because you CAN do something, that doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD do it.

So, @user1493759849 you don't think Bubble should have had children? Putting a winky face at the end of your comment doesn't make that any less of an unkind remark.

I don't really think it's ok for you, or anyone else on here, to tell another woman whether they should or shouldn't have a child.

We all have an opinion on this subject and that's fine. But they're just opinions - they're not facts. I don't agree with many opinions on this thread, but it doesn't mean I don't respect them.

People like @user1493759849 are saying adults like me should not exist as our mothers had us over 40.

Well she can go f* herself.

Conceived DD and ds first attempt in very late 30s and early 40s respectively

Both dc and their friends think I am the best mum ever.

Just because you are older doest make you a parent who can't keep up with their children.

I read threads on here parents who are too tired to do anything with their DC or how they haven't got the energy to talk to their children. Something tells me they aren't all parents who had their children in their 40s

The most fuddy duddy parents I know are all what would be considered young parents who were in their late. 20s when they gave birth

@ColaFreezePop Likewise. My mum and dad were 41 and 45 respectively when I was born. My mum had been in an abusive marriage beforehand and was lucky to escape when she did, although she thought she'd never meet anyone she would want to have children with. They were the most wonderful parents. Great fun and there was never a dull moment in our house, my sister and I were very lucky. I don't see why they should have been denied parenthood just because they were older.

I think where you live comes into how old you have your first

My area is quite a wealthy middle class area. At very late 30s in the NCT group I was probably the average age of the new mums.

So when they started primary mid 40s to 50year old mums was the norm and wasn't a big deal .

I am nearly 60 and have never had a comment about my age.

@user1493759849 also seems incapable of answering what age she was when she had her own kids (if she has any) 🤔

Over 50

I don't care what age a woman has her kids. I'm too busy living my own life to be judging others to that extent, and enjoying it to care if others are judging me. And fwiw the only down syndrome child I've ever got to know was born to a 23 year old mother and is an utter joy.

Sorry had to add: some of you seem to think it was better to have a child at 23 with an inappropriate partner ( we split a year later) and insecure rented accommodation than I did at 42 in a committed loving family, owning my own home with a ( reasonably) well paid and flexible family friendly career... because of my age. How ridiculous.

Is this thread still going on

@user1493759849 doesn’t have to give her age and doesn’t have to give details about when she had children....

The original question to the thread was question when YOU think is too old to have children. Why some of you feel other users need to justify anything to you is beyond me.

And @Bubbletrouble43
What makes you so sure that all 23 year olds are in the situation being with an unsuitable partner and living in rented accommodation ??

See what makes me laugh is you older mums don’t like when generalisations are made about you because you chose to start a family later in life.
Yet still you feel it’s a solo fine to make generalisations about younger mums to feel better about the fact that your an older mother.

It’s immature. And if I’m honest pathetic.

Many of my friends who have had children in thier 20’s; own their own home and have been with thier partners since high school. Some even together since primary school.

Just because you couldn’t get your life together when you were younger don’t make blazè comments about others....

Like I said. The rudest posts on here are from older women who can’t handle the fact that there is a cut off age - 35+ is a geriatric pregnancy; regardless of how you feel. And as much as you tell yourself your young and your children don’t notice the obvious age difference between their classmates younger parents and them having older parents - they do.

Fine if you believe different but Theresa plenty of posts here from Mumsnetters who grew up with older parents and who are talking from LIFE EXPERIENCE and even have agreed with the latter.

What you tell yourself to sleep better at night is fine. But stop trying to prove some point that older mothers make better mothers, Because as it’s clearly been said over and over and over again - that’s not always the case.

Fine if you believe different but Theresa plenty of posts here from Mumsnetters who grew up with older parents and who are talking from LIFE EXPERIENCE and even have agreed with the latter.

I'm talking about life experience. My parents were older parents and I never gave it a seconds thought. Genuinely.

And as much as you tell yourself your young and your children don’t notice the obvious age difference between their classmates younger parents and them having older parents - they do.

I just don't agree with this - it's really not my experience as a child with older parents. I'm assuming you also had older parents User as you feel so strongly about how other children feel, so I guess you did feel differently having older parents and it did bother you. But regardless of that we have to respect other people's lives and experiences are not all the same.

As I said up thread, there as so many unfair assumptions on here from both sides of the argument.

Just because you couldn’t get your life together when you were younger don’t make blazè comments about others...
Yeah, that was me, too busy fucking about having cancer.

Just because you couldn’t get your life together when you were younger don’t make blazè comments about others...

Yeah I was too busy being carefree, going on lots of holidays and shagging lots of men to worry about settling down and having kids

"
@user1493759849 doesn’t have to give her age and doesn’t have to give details about when she had children...."

She certainly had plenty to say about when other people had children. Makes me wonder...

Woah, I wasn't making any generalisations about anyone, simply stating that I was in a better situation and was a better mother at 42 than at 23. I know there are loads of brilliant young and older mums, age has nothing to do with it. I never said otherwise. I'm bowing out of this site again like I did 2 years ago ( yes I know it's a flounce) because I don't need to be insulted like this. Some of you really need to learn some manners.

@Ginger1982
She gave her opinion. Shame if you don’t like it but she gave her own opinion and that’s what this thread is about.

Why would she need to justify anything to you ??

@CTRL yeah, ok then 🙄

@hazeyjane Ok Sorry about your cancer but I’m not sure why you even bothered commenting when this statement obviously didn’t apply to you ??

So confused - Like who mentioned you ?