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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

308 replies

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 08:51

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

OP posts:
june2007 · 04/09/2019 08:55

I don't think it's about the legth of time as such. much more about the commitment. You can be with someone 10 years and it can be very casual and open or you could be with someone 6 months and know there is totsl commitment. I think you do need commitment as this is not just about the adults.

Beaverdam · 04/09/2019 08:58

I'd say 2 years.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/09/2019 08:59

I'm a single mum and I wouldn't ever live with a boyfriend at all while DS is still at home. I think the negatives outweigh the positives in all honesty.

Unreasonable123 · 04/09/2019 09:01

About 2 -3 years to move in

Awaywiththefairies27 · 04/09/2019 09:03

I waited two years before moving my boyfriend in and 18months of that he didn't meet the kids. I needed to be certain he was staying in our lives before I'd allow them to meet.

It all worked out perfectly in the end. My kids were 3&4 when he moved in. They're 7&8 now and we have a 3 year old and 5 month old together.

TheQueef · 04/09/2019 09:04

After several years on mnet, plus I'm older and wiser... Never.
Wait at least until dc are 15/16.

PanamaPattie · 04/09/2019 09:05

The term “boyfriend” suggests a somewhat temporary relationship. If you are in a committed partnership and want a life together, then perhaps you should consider an engagement (but not live together) for a year or two and then marriage.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 09:05

@waxonwaxoff0 - what would you say are the negatives/positives of the situation?

OP posts:
Bibidy · 04/09/2019 09:09

I'd say it's not the time frame but how much interaction the new person has had with the kids that matters.

Quite often (on here at least) the new partner has moved in after 18 months, but only met the kids a few months before that so it's not very comfortable.

I'd just say the parent needs to be sure the kids are very familiar with their new partner before moving them in full time.

mindutopia · 04/09/2019 09:09

Whenever the relationship has reached a stage when it is 'permanent' - when you're engaged and shortly to get married (if you're the marrying kind) or whenever you reach some other point where you have jointly decided you are moving to be together relatively indefinitely. I think if you're still at the 'boyfriend' stage, it's too soon.

Teacakeandalatte · 04/09/2019 09:13

You need time to really get to know the person and make sure they are what they seem. How often do we read of people who seemed lovely for some time but turned out to be abusive? Often its a change of circumstances when moving in, getting married, having dc etc, that makes the abuse start up, and you don't want to risk moving the person in and letting the dc get attached to them then find out they are not a nice person after all. So this is why it is really difficult and the only thing is to know them a lot longer and see them in many circumstances, get to really understand their beliefs, how honest they are, how they cope with stress, how they treat their friends and family.
Another point is that the fact you are putting your dc welfare first will come across by this long process and they will realise you won't compromise on that.

danceswithdeath · 04/09/2019 09:24

I moved in with my partner soon with my ds. We've been together 4 years now. It was right for us!

Dillydallyingthrough · 04/09/2019 09:25

I waited almost 5 years but my DD is 15 and on the AS. He is o
the only partner she has met. We are not engaged or married - or planning either as I don't ever want to get married to protect my DDs inheritance.

The time he was spending at my house had gradually increased but he has hobbies that still give me and DD time to ourselves. She didn't meet him until we had been together 18 months but that was as I wanted to be sure of the relationship. However I appreciate that this is longer than most people would expect. But I think it's important to take things slowly and at your child's pace (not what you think is their pace).

One factor which didn't have an impact in our relationship but may in others was I dont want any more children. Therefore we could move slowly with my DD getting to know my DP, with no pressure of my biological clock. I took the decision again because of my DD as she would struggle to cope with the changes within a short time period.

AlrightOkNow · 04/09/2019 09:29

18 months before meeting kids, 2 years before moving in. You know it stands the course of time at that stage.

KUGA · 04/09/2019 09:30

I think if your having to ask MUMSNET you already know the answer.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/09/2019 09:32

The combination of my own life experience, the experiences of friends and family and what I’ve learned in 10 years on MN I would also so not until the DC have moved out.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/09/2019 09:32

@UndertheCedartree this is just a personal opinion - but negatives: possible clashes between child and boyfriend (lots of threads pop up on here about that kind of thing, it's a big change for all involved), possible disagreements on parenting styles (again you see threads on here about that and personally I would never feel comfortable with someone who isn't my child's parent taking on the role of disciplining etc), financial aspect - how do you split bills, does the new boyfriend contribute financially to anything with regards to the DC? If you receive any financial help regarding UC then that will get taken away.

Obviously the positives are living with someone you love but I wouldn't be prepared for all the hard work and stress that could potentially arise. I'm single at the moment but if I did enter a relationship I'd stay living apart.

User344772734481882445 · 04/09/2019 09:33

The years my mum's boyfriend lived with us were the worst of my life. He moved in when I was 11. I moved out when I was 18. If I could have had the money to go sooner, I would have been gone.

Only only only only only let him move in if you don't argue and if he really really really gets on very well with the children and will be part of the family (my mum's boyfriend was very much 'her boyfriend' and had little to do with us, it was weird and horrible )

If it's not working after a few months - kick him out, don't let arguments drag on for years.

EmiliaAirheart · 04/09/2019 09:35

It's not just about the timeframe. The parent also needs to consider the dynamics of the relationship between their children and the new partner, and whether the parent has an easy exit strategy if it all goes pear shaped. Becoming financially dependent on the new partner, moving to a house in both names, making the children change school - arguably all bad decisions that mean leaving is complicated, and the parent is less likely to do so even if it would be in the children's best interest.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 10:01

@KUGA - I'm asking as a hypothetical question not specifically for me. I am hoping to gain knowledge to help me in the future but I'm not at the point of my boyfriend moving in right now.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. After 6 months he met up with me and my DC as 'my friend' , after a year he started seeing us at the weekend regularly and was introduced as my boyfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 12:03

@waxonwaxoff0 - I think you raise some really good points. If agreement can be reached in all those areas then I think it could work but without agreement e.g different parenting style - it could become very stessfull and lead to arguments - so better to live apart.

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 04/09/2019 12:04

We waited 3 years.

EmrysAtticus · 04/09/2019 12:15

I'm another who thinks once the DC have moved out.

RushianDisney · 04/09/2019 12:21

I personally wouldn't while DD was still living with me, I don't think it's fair to DC to have their home invaded by a man their mum is shagging. And even worse to uproot their lives to facilitate living with a boyfriend.

Beesandcheese · 04/09/2019 12:22

It depends on the children. Younger children respond well to new people. Older children do not, teens particularly will struggle as they are going through various identity changes of their own.
But when you have young children you get more judgement as everyone assumes any man interested in a woman with young children is a paedophile. Also younger children would take it harder if it doesn't go well. You need to be sure, and of course most single parents have had such a shitty time with a previous partner theyd struggle to make that sort of commitment to anyone new.
If you're asking MN the answer is never, because it us taken to be abusive that you might have space in your heart for anything other than your DC.

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