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AIBU?

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Original poster

How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

308 replies

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 08:51

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

OP posts:
HouseworkAvoider10 · 04/09/2019 13:17

Not until the children are grown up and have moved out.

category12 · 04/09/2019 13:21

There's so much at risk for the dc that incredibly slowly is the right pace, imo. I don't really understand the hurry to move in together anyway - it's good to enjoy the dating and funtimes, why rush into washing his socks?

Women generally have less to gain from a bloke moving in, as we still have the situation where men are less likely to pick up the housework and life admin fairly, and may even cause more work (picking up after them etc) and they don't necessarily make enough of a financial contribution to outweigh the extra costs of a full grown adult man.

FaFoutis · 04/09/2019 13:21

When the children have left home.

Wildthyme · 04/09/2019 13:22

"Not until the children are grown up and have moved out"

I really hope you apply this to the fathers of the children as well. They shouldn't be moving girlfriends in seeing as their homes are the children's homes as well.

BunnyColvin · 04/09/2019 13:22

Not until the children are grown up and have moved out

And even then, maybe never.

Wouldn't be willing to take the risk of things going tits up and the children suffering another loss.
Wouldn't be willing to take the risk of any of the DC hating the situation but not telling me until they were adults.
Wouldn't be willing to take the risk of a good situation turning bad just because of our close proximity (when things were already very good not living together).

None of it tbh.

Staysexyanddontgetmurdered · 04/09/2019 13:22

My mum waited a year to introduce my sister and I to her boyfriend, then about 6 months later he moved in with us. We were happy because our mum was happy. 30 years later they are still together and the 'boyfriend' is a member of the family.

firemaple · 04/09/2019 13:24

I moved in with DH when we'd been together for five years, we only lived together after we had got married as I needed the financial security of being married before living in his house. We had other issues which delayed us (housing, jobs, legal issues) so it wasn't just about how the relationship was developing. I introduced DH to my DD after we'd been dating for a year, but he never spent the night at my flat (I would go and visit DH at his place when my DD was away overnight with exP or my parents). So he'd known my DD for four years, and we were engaged for one year before getting married.

We moved into DH's house (a new home that he'd bought while we were engaged) as it was much bigger and in a nicer area. Only 15 mins walk from my old flat though so no need to change schools, and we still have family nearby. I lost almost all my benefits (except disability/carer ones which aren't means-tested) when we moved in, and DH is the sole breadwinner for all the family as I'm a sahm and carer. It's worked out well for us, we don't have any conflict in the family and DH gets on great with DD. Our quality of life is much better now than if we'd stayed living separately in my council flat.

BingBongBay · 04/09/2019 13:25

It's a bit weird to wait 18 months to introduce them and then move the bf in after 2 years. The DC have only know the bf for six months! I'd say introduce at 6/8 months, and then maybe move in after 2 years.

DCOkeford · 04/09/2019 13:26

I really hope you apply this to the fathers of the children as well. They shouldn't be moving girlfriends in seeing as their homes are the children's homes as well

Not wishing to be goady, but actually no I don't.

Statistically women are far less of a threat to the welfare of small DCs than men are. They (DC) also spend a lot less time at the home of the NRP than they do the RP so simply reversing the genders in this scenario isn't a valid equivalence.

ChristmasLily · 04/09/2019 13:31

He needs to be willing to be a step father role model to the kids. If he doesn't want to be involved, then he shouldn't get to be a roommate to them imo. The step parent relationship should have already started before any discussion of being moved in.

Generally, I'm guessing the mum needs to date the guy for 8 months before the children meet the guy, then another 12 months need to pass before any sort of discussion of him moving in. The kids should have a relationship with the person, he should be trusted and not a stranger.

justintimberlakesfishwife · 04/09/2019 13:31

If so many people feel that it shouldn't happen until the DC's have have moved out, how are there so many stepfamilies around?
I absolutely agree that the welfare of the children is paramount and that they should come first, but to say no cohabiting until your youngest DC leaves home seems extreme?

BunnyColvin · 04/09/2019 13:36

If so many people feel that it shouldn't happen until the DC's have have moved out, how are there so many stepfamilies around

Should have said, my view only applies to me and I'm not saying what others should do. But I'm very risk averse and after going through a divorce and having a stable life now, I'd be reluctant to change the status quo.

I'm sure it works out for lots of people, but equally, there are many cases where children aren't considered enough.

Asta19 · 04/09/2019 13:38

I'm another who thinks once the DC have moved out

So my DS lived at home until 29, my DD moved out for a while but came back when her relationship didn't work out. So she is still at home at 28! Are people seriously suggesting not living with anyone for 30 years!!! So a woman who has her DC at 30 can't live with a man again until she is 60? Totally unrealistic.

Is it better to wait for them to go to Uni (if they even do!) move someone in, then they feel they can't move home again if they need to? More and more young people are having to return home after Uni these days and as I say, that's if they even go in the first place. How do you "know" your 5 year old is going to go to Uni one day? You don't.

Unless you are adamant your DC are moving out at 18, you can't put your life "on hold" indefinitely.

speakout · 04/09/2019 13:39

Never.

Not until the children are adults and moved out.

speakout · 04/09/2019 13:40

I don't think it's a case of putting your life on hold.
Plenty fun you can have without having a man live with you.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 04/09/2019 13:41

Me personally I’m a single mam 11year old dd and have never moved a man into our home there was one where I potentially considered us moving in together after he brought it up when dd was around 6 we had been together 3 years I decided no and for me I can’t see me ever deciding on living with a partner while my children are still at home and I have my reasons, but I really don’t think it comes down to time it depends on how much time has been invested in relationship time spent with children how the children and you guys feel about it so many factors to consider etc

lyralalala · 04/09/2019 13:43

What I do find quite funny is that very, very few people judged DH for moving me in as he was a widow and was entitled, in fact encouraged, to move on with his life. Whereas I, who was basically abandoned with very small babies when my ex decided "parenthood wasn't him afterall", was accused of putting my interests first and being selfish.

He was praised for being careful and thorough in the way we worked everything, whereas a couple of people called me 'picky' and 'needlessly petty'.

Asta19 · 04/09/2019 13:49

Plenty fun you can have without having a man live with you

But not all single mum's have support. My ex died so there was no EOW break for me to go and do my own thing. My mum never cared enough to spend any time with the grandkids. It's a catch 22 situation then. How can any relationship progress enough for them to meet your kids if you only manage to see each other for an evening once a week? At best.

Don't get me wrong, I have only lived with one man during my kids childhood. It did end but not because of clashes with him and the kids. It just didn't work out. The same way not all marriages work out. I don't advocate living with a guy at the drop of a hat. But I also think to say "not until they move out" is way too extreme.

ChristmasLily · 04/09/2019 13:52

lyralalala

I think people are just protective over children. Mothers generally have custody, and sometimes men will date women to get to their children. I think I saw a film about it. It's less likely for a woman to be a predator in this way. Women need to be very careful about who they are with since they are usually the victims of DV and other types of abuse.

Namechange8471 · 04/09/2019 13:58

It depends entirely on the individual situation.

For me personally I was dating for 6 months before dp meeting dd (she's 10 now). Then we started to do things together, after a year he stayed over 3 times a week.

We moved in together after 2 years, and that was right for us. We are very happy but if things were to finish for whatever reason, i would wait until dd was at least 16 before even dating again.

lyralalala · 04/09/2019 13:59

ChristmasLily

In our situation we both had children. Me 2 and him 1.

That's why I find the judgements amusing. It's almost like he was praised for finding a replacement mother for his son, but despite the fact my ex hadn't seen my girls for three years at that point I was pointedly told several times I shouldn't be seeking a replacement father. Even though that wasn't what either of us were doing.

BunnyColvin · 04/09/2019 13:59

It might be too extreme for you Asta19 but it obviously isn't for others. To each her own.

LuluBellaBlue · 04/09/2019 14:00

This is interesting as what if the scenario is this:

Single mother to 15 yr old ds
Friends with a man for a few months, ds met man as friend and liked him, commented that mum should perhaps date him.
They start dating and son finds out pretty quickly as likes man. Asked to meet him / do stuff together.
Mum is 39 and always wanted more children.
Obviously not many fertile years left for mum.

In this situation (yes obviously myself!) there’s no simple answer....

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/09/2019 14:00

If so many people feel that it shouldn't happen until the DC's have have moved out, how are there so many stepfamilies around

Because, obviously, not everyone thinks the same.

category12 · 04/09/2019 14:00

lyralalala, that's just everyday sexism at work - women are always scrutinised and judged more harshly for their relationship and parenting choices.