How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

[UndertheCedartree]

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

I don’t ever want to remarry. I have too much to lose. I want to be with dh forever but would never put my financial security and my children’s future inheritance at risk by marrying anyone. Doesn’t mean I’m not in love and fully committed to dp.

No right or wrong answer. It depends.

Does it make a difference if your new partner is a parent themselves then?

Yes. It makes it an even worse idea for him to move in, because then your children aren't just forced to live with him but also his kids, at least part of the time.

I do not want to get married. I'm 49. I cannot imagine finding anybody who fits in with me and my needs so completely that I would risk my financial security (ie, house) on a relationship.

I have a bf and he has his own non negotiables. Sometimes the happy ending is that things just continue the way they are for a while. Homeostasis, rather than a wedding.

I wouldn't have believed / understood this 20 years ago. But then I think I was subconsciously waiting for somebody to validate me/ rescue me. Financially, emotionally. Now I feel the happy ending is to be brave enough to be able to do things on your own if it pans out that way.

A lot of women don't get that thoough. I heard a friend express incredulity that another mutual acquaintance didn't want to get married saying ''every woman wants to get married''. My friend thinks that if a woman says she doesn't want to get married to her bf, it could only be bravado.

My friend thinks that if a woman says she doesn't want to get married to her bf, it could only be bravado

I get similar from friends (not my closest friends who understand perfectly) - utter incredulity that when I say “I’m happy single” I am, in fact, happy single 🙄

enough time to know she's not ignoring red flags because of rose tinted specs and desperation and low self esteem (my mother all over)

enough time to know he's deeply kind and supportive with no temper or tendency toward fun sucking grumpiness

I think at least 18 months for the honeymoon phase to wear off and rose tinted specs come off.

also 6 to 9 months before introductions

When the kids want them to. No other time. I think the children should be consulted and if they don’t want it, it doesn’t happen. End of.

If they are unhappy and want partner out, they go.

And agree with others, person must be fiancé, husband, very permanent partner. Unless you are both in it forever, don’t do it.

Plenty of positives if done correctly.

My DMIL remarried when DH was about 4. He adores his (now adoptive) and utterly wonderful DF (more than 30 years later most people have no clue he’s not DH’s biological father). So it can be the right call. It’s all about the people and the dynamic involved.