Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

308 replies

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 08:51

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

OP posts:
TheQueef · 04/09/2019 12:27

I don't think it's abusive to love another partner.
Imo the risks of a bad o be sneaking in are heavily mitigated when living seperate.
Plus it's so much easier to split if it isn't working.
Why open yourself to all the possible pitfalls of you can live separate until the DC are self sufficient.

Roomba · 04/09/2019 12:28

I think it depends on the situation and the people involved. I do have friends who have managed to move a new partner in to the family home with success, but I know far more where it hasn't worked out. This can create instability and resulting problems for the children involved. The friends who have succeeded have waited months to introduce new partners to their DC, and taken things very slowly to ensure the children didn't feel rushed into a new situation and were happy with them gradually being more involved in the family.

Personally, my children's father and I split when the DC were 7 and a few months old. That was over 6 years ago and I still wouldn't move a new partner in even now. It would destabilise my DC - I've seen the issues that have arisen from their father marrying and having another baby very quickly after we split, so have tried to keep things as calm and unchanged as possible in my house. It's a shame that I have to sacrifice that element of my life for now, but I know that it would create problems emotionally for my DC.

whattodowith · 04/09/2019 12:29

I waited three years and that was right. I wouldn’t have done it if my DC had any sort of issue with it or with him. I’d have ended the relationship if he didn’t get along with my DC tbh. I love my DH dearly but my DC always come first.

BogglesGoggles · 04/09/2019 12:33

If I ever found myself in this position I would insist on marriage first. I wouldn’t want men flirting in and out of my children’s lives. Obviously marriage isn’t a guarantee but it’s a good indication. If a man isn’t committed enough to marry you he’s not committed enough to move in.

BogglesGoggles · 04/09/2019 12:33

*flitting

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 12:35

I can understand if you have teens the answer might be not until they leave home. But my children are 12 and 7 and they get on really well with my boyfriend so I think when the time is right it could be really positive. My boyfriend is much more emotionally open than my ex husband which my son has responded really well to. He enjoys talking to my boyfriend and comes more out of his shell with him. My little girl enjoys attention from any adult and likes the way my boyfriend is willing to play with her unlike her dad. I like the feeling of being a family and doing things together - we are going M-F to a caravan in half term and it is nice to have another adult to come with us. I also like being able to share the work of looking after children with another adult as well as being with someone who makes me laugh etc. I think, though it will always be important for my children to have alone time with me so that would definitely be discussed before my boyfriend moves in.

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 04/09/2019 12:35

I waited two years before moving my boyfriend in and 18months of that he didn't meet the kids. I needed to be certain he was staying in our lives before I'd allow them to meet.

So your children had only known him for 6 months before you moved him in?

Surely that’s worse than letting them meet him at an earlier stage of your relationship and letting them all get to know each other furs before moving him in to their home?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/09/2019 12:37

It's not abusive to love a new partner but quite often new partners are moved in to benefit the adults involved and the DC don't have any say in the matter. Separation and divorce are disruptive enough as it is for children and then expecting them to adjust to new partners adds more difficulty into the mix.

I still date and have fun but I wouldn't feel it necessary to move in with anyone.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 04/09/2019 12:39

I agree QueenofmyPrinces - seems crazy that a pafrent will wait say 18 months to make sure the new partner is right for them, but wait only 6-12 months or whatever to make sure that partner is right for the DC. They should be at least as long if not more.

SantaIsReal · 04/09/2019 12:55

My now husband pretty much moved in from the get go and I had just met him so there was no background history with us. We will have been together 7 years this December, married with two children! Grin

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 12:56

I agree 6 months is a short period of time for the children to know the boyfriend before moving in. I think @waxonwaxoff0 raises a good point that the length of time between sepetation/divorve should also be a factor. I was seperated for over 4 years before getting together with my boyfriend so we have had time to process that.

I also think the children should be part of a discussion/desicion around a new partner moving in.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 12:58

@santaisreal - how old were your children went your partner moved in? Had the got to know him atall before he moved in?

OP posts:
SantaIsReal · 04/09/2019 12:59

I've totally read your post wrong Confused
I think if you are in a new relationship when you already have kids, the new boyfriend should not be moving in for a while! Staying overnight every so often is fine but until a relationship with the kids is fully established then moving in shouldn't happen.

JacquesHammer · 04/09/2019 13:01

My ex dated for 12 months before DD met her step-mother, they then spent a further 12 months getting to know each other before she moved in.

I would never choose to have another partner in the house.

JacquesHammer · 04/09/2019 13:02

Just to add, ex-H also discussed it fully with DD and she was part of the decision. If she hadn’t felt comfortable it wouldn’t have happened.

ScreamingLadySutch · 04/09/2019 13:03

Funny how the man always moves in with the woman.

Having his life subsidised (and probably renting out his own house to increase his income)

taytosandwich · 04/09/2019 13:03

After my experience living with my mums boyfriends after my parents divorce, I would say never.

PumpkinP · 04/09/2019 13:05

This is interesting as there was a thread on relationships board that said single mums should never move a new partner in! (Whilst children still live at home obviously)

WhatsMyPassword · 04/09/2019 13:05

There is no magic formula, no calculation, each case is different.

You wouldnt apply the same criteria to an unknown bloke picked up from POF that you would apply to the lad you've grown up with and known since school days, similarly it depends on finances, the age of the children involved, whether the new chap is bringing children into the mix as well.

Children have to grieve the loss of a family life before having another thrust upon them.

RogersVideo · 04/09/2019 13:07

I would never move a boyfriend in with my children.

KUGA · 04/09/2019 13:07

Fare play ,I wasnt being critical tbf. I would suggest he stays over a couple of nights then increase it over time. The children will react if they arent sure.
I moved in with who now is DH after around 2yrs.
And actually his 4 children asked him when I was moving in and they told me they wanted me to.
Age range youngest 5 eldest 14.
Good luck.

WhatsMyPassword · 04/09/2019 13:08

@ScreamingLadySutch Funny how the man always moves in with the woman.

Isn't it just, because taking children out of the security of their own home, changing schools, and destabilising the mothers finances is such a brilliant move.

JacquesHammer · 04/09/2019 13:10

Funny how the man always moves in with the woman

It’s not really “always” is it? More likely I agree. But still.

DCOkeford · 04/09/2019 13:12

Another one saying not while the DCs are at home.

If the relationship has genuinely got legs, then it will still be there and going strong in a few years when the DCs have moved on.

lyralalala · 04/09/2019 13:16

I think it depends entirely on how well they know each other. Moving someone in that you've been with five years, but your kids have seen three times a year in that period is very different to someone you've been with two years and seen a couple of times a week for a year of that.

We'd been together for 3.5 years when we moved in, and the kids broached the subject first. About a year after it was first mentioned, and after a couple of long stayovers to make sure we actually worked, my girls and I moved in with him and DS.

Some of our friends were really surprised that we hashed out so much beforehand, but I've seen it go wrong so often. We had ironed out any parenting differences (which were very minor anyway), we had nailed down finances and the likes before we committed to moving in together as well. We laugh now because the finances spreadsheet was detailed to the point of coffees (him) and magazines (me) because we were both so concerned about any hidden issues cropping up

Swipe left for the next trending thread