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AIBU?

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Original poster

How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

308 replies

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 08:51

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

OP posts:
TanMateix · 06/09/2019 08:52

Why is it always the boyfriend moving in with the mum and kids? i never ever hear about an independent bloke asking his girlfriend and her children to move in with him.
No cocklodgers for me thank you.

Most of the times, it is the mum who insists in not moving for the benefit of her own children. I have certainly refused to move in the past because I didn’t want my son to be stuck in a beautiful house in the countryside miles and miles away from his school and friends. I didn’t want that for me either even if that meant a bigger house with the paddock my ex needed for his horses.

I just find it interesting that when it comes to single mothers finding new partners, it doesn’t take much time for someone to assume:

  • single mum therefore pennyless and living of benefits
  • single mum’s partner, therefore pennyless cocklodger trying to live of single mum’s benefits and mistreat the kids.
PookieDo · 06/09/2019 09:19

There is a thread right now where the mother earns 3 x less than the partner she’s considering living with, will lose all her benefits and he doesn’t want to go 50/50 to move in with her because he doesn’t want to pay for her 3 kids for whom she claims no maintence as her ex doesn’t work. I think it is more unusual for single parents to meet someone who is equal to them financially, unfortunately it is more common for there to be a large gap either way

Hedgehogblues · 06/09/2019 09:45

I would never move an unrelated man in with my children

PennyDreadfuI · 06/09/2019 09:57

I would never move an unrelated man in with my children

Related men can be monsters, too. My father was a violent alcoholic. My DH, who moved in with us when DD was six/seven, is a responsible, loving parent.

If you've known someone for long enough and they get on with the DC, and they're willing to share parenting and be a proper part of the family unit, I honestly do not see the issue.

AnnaNimmity · 06/09/2019 10:06

I don't think I'll move anyone in while my children live here. It's their home and I want them to feel like they are the priority.

It's difficult and fraught enough introducing them to boyfriends and involving a boyfriend in their lives, but I think the home should remain their (and my) safe place. I've come to this decision over 5 years of dating, when I've introduced 2 boyfriends to my children ( and one was a massive mistake in hindsight) and it's been a steep learning curve!

In any case, I don't think I want to give up my independence to that degree. And yes OP, if you see the other thread about how can you really know someone - I do think you can't. You can take that risk, but your kids can't. Learnt the hard way for me.

ThatFlamingCandle · 06/09/2019 10:22

You could say that about biological parents to. My child's father isn't even allowed to see her unsupervised because of his previous behaviour to me and others. Should we all just lock ourselves away and never leave our house?

Obviously you have to be tactful and sensitive when introducing a new partner (not just any random boyfriend) and if there are absolutely any concerns, don't go ahead. And I would say, don't leave them to do childcare either. I'm going off now, but the point is... there are some terrible bio parents and brilliant step parents. I mean, people adopt children and raise them as their own so why can't a step parent do the same?

PennyDreadfuI · 06/09/2019 10:40

there are some terrible bio parents and brilliant step parents

Unequivocally, this.

BunnyColvin · 06/09/2019 10:40

ThatFlamingCandle your post is all from the perspective of the adults, not the children. Of course there are some great men out there. That doesn't automatically mean that a child, especially a teenage one, would want a new man, however nice, in their home.

Ohflippineck · 06/09/2019 10:47

Don’t think you can be that arbitrary, depends on so many things. Circumstances of split with the other parent (ie were the children traumatised or do you still maintain a friendly relationship), if your new partner is prepared to accept that for the time being your children will take priority. Whether the new partner has children of their own, will they move in too, how will your children feel about that? Etc etc.
For me it would be very basic. How old were my children, old enough to talk about any problems that arise and, put bluntly, physically defend themselves if need be?

Mine are pretty much grown now and their dad and I are happily together. I’ve always known though that had he died or left, I wouldn’t have moved in with a new partner until they were grown. Wouldn’t feel the need.

Hedgehogblues · 06/09/2019 10:48

Related men can be monsters, too

I'm aware of this and if my child's bio father started abusing her I'd leave him, however, statistically your children are most likely to be abused by non related male caregivers

Hedgehogblues · 06/09/2019 10:50

I mean, people adopt children and raise them as their own so why can't a step parent do the same?

I'm adopted. My adoptive parents are without a shadow of a doubt total abusive cunts

ThatFlamingCandle · 06/09/2019 11:11

Well hedgehog I can say the same about one of my bio parents. I also don't have a Greta relationship with my step parent. Everyone has different experiences.

In regards to seeing things from an adult perspective, that's why I said if you have doubts don't go ahead. I'd never move someone in who doesn't have a bond with my child. It's not really a dilemma is it? If they don't make an effort, they're not right for you.

BunnyColvin · 06/09/2019 11:16

Not sure I'll ever be able to articulate how I feel about this one!

It's that it almost doesn't matter how you or I feel someone is bonded to our child, our child might not feel the same way, and might cover their feelings out of guilt/not wanting to rock the boat/whatever, and we might not know that. Only for it all to come out in the wash years later.

Maybe someone else can express it better.

PookieDo · 06/09/2019 11:29

It’s easy to see what you want to see when you are in love with someone. I read something about romantic love being like an act of narcissism - you put your best self forward to a partner, you often hide the parts you don’t like to avoid rejection. That is the risk you take when you have a relationship that person is exactly who they are presenting themselves to be and not in a state of ‘best behaviour’. It takes time to see what a person is really like and children are easily manipulated

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/09/2019 11:30

I moved in with DH and his kids almost immediately (weeks into the relationship). I was also pregnant by then. But it worked for us. His kids were teenagers who had never seen him with anyone else apart from their mother, but she left when the youngest was a baby so he had no memory of them together - elder dss also didn't remember his parents together really, because he spent most of his early childhood in hospital with DH by his side. I had already met the boys though because I first met DH when he was out with them.

DS has expressed reservations about me dating because he doesn't want anyone replacing his dad. There is no way I want to replace him either, so have no plans for any more romantic/sexual relationships. That is a different situation from my DH's where his kids didn't have any objection to him dating as long as he was happy - their mum was still alive and with another man.

BunnyColvin · 06/09/2019 11:33

PookieDo all of that. And the nature of it is that children's thoughts and feelings are caught in the crossfire of it no matter what, and no matter how perfect things appear.

It's a very complex thing for sure.

ThatFlamingCandle · 06/09/2019 11:37

Why is it so hard to believe that there are children who have a genuine mutiny's bond with non biological adults in their life?

PookieDo · 06/09/2019 11:44

@ThatFlamingCandle

It isn’t
But prospective boyfriends do not go through a fostering or adoption process. It can’t be compared to adoption where parents are evaluated. The only person doing the evaluating is the single parent, caught up in love and there is a high risk of error.

My children have a stepmother. I wouldn’t say they love her, but they very much like and care for her. She’s really lovely and nice. I am happy they like her. I have nothing against step parents. But I am realistic that it isn’t something that should ever be taken lightly. Before this step mother they had another one, who was fucking vile. Neither of my children felt confident enough to say they hated her and pretended they liked her. I had to watch this from afar, I couldn’t do anything.

SimonJT · 06/09/2019 12:22

@Hedgehogblues Should I move my adopted son out then as I’m technically not related to him?

Hedgehogblues · 06/09/2019 12:30

I don't give a shit what you do in regards to your parenting. Not sure why you think I would

ChocolateTea · 06/09/2019 13:03

Does it make a difference if your new partner is a parent themselves then?

For me, watching DP with his own son over the years showed me a different side to him, that cemented blending our family would work

He wasn't a stranger when he moved in, and my children had every input into the decision when he did.

But we were unusual in waiting 6 years. So they've known him, been on holiday with him etc since they were 5 and 7.

We both came from very different experiences of step parents too, which I think affected our decisions. He was also the only man I have ever introduced to my children, I was single/dated for four years before I met him.

PookieDo · 06/09/2019 13:31

I think being a parent already allows you to see whether you share the same parenting ideas yes, although you have to weigh up whether the children also get along too. I have had a few relationships where I know our children and parenting styles would not mesh well so I have never taken it further in a serious way

WWlOOlWW · 06/09/2019 16:10

For me, it's more about the time since a mum broke up with the childs dad than how quickly a subsequent new partner moves in.

Eg: it was 6 months since the separation... than I wouldn't be introducing a new partner for a couple of years, let alone moving in with them (but personally I wouldn't start a new relationship in this time frame).

If however, you have been single for 5 years.. than a smaller time frame is more acceptable for the children to met a new partner.. and for them to move in.

Thehouseintheforest · 06/09/2019 20:37

For me it's ALL about marriage. Does your DP feel sufficiently committed to you to WANT to marry you. ? If yes then progress things if not there he is not a keeper ...

I am not saying YOU have to marry that entirely depends on the individual situation. But does he WANT to. If he doesn't then he is not entirely committed, be it for financial/emotional/extended family reasons

Tweetingmagpie · 06/09/2019 21:46

That’s bullshit. What is she doesn’t want to ever get married?