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Original poster

How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

308 replies

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 08:51

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

OP posts:
NotTonightJosepheen · 04/09/2019 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Limensoda · 04/09/2019 15:15

My partner didn't move in for ten years after we met. My son was 17and daughter 20 when he did.
He met my children after eighteen months and would stay over now and again and was around. They all got on well but I don't think they would had he moved in permanently. My kids accepted him as my boyfriend who had no influence over them.
They didn't want another dad and he didn't think he should try to be.

Years later, my kids care deeply about him and he them. My son in particular now thinks of him as his dad.

JacquesHammer · 04/09/2019 15:21

but how sad to miss out on that potential family

That is such a heteronormative view of society.

A single woman with a child isn’t “missing out” as a matter of course

Bibidy · 04/09/2019 15:21

Oh do catch yourself on! You speak for everyone, do you? Every child and every separated woman who ever lived?

Um no??? I just know have a good few friends who have much-loved step-parents and would never have had that if their parents hadn't allowed their partner to move in and become part of the family. Particularly in cases where the other bio parent isn't around.

Obviously it's not for everyone but a blanket "no one moves in together until the children are gone" isn't either.

Try realising that your view of life isn't necessarily everyone else's and what you want isn't necessarily what everyone wants. If anything, my children would prefer me and my ex to be together, not some notional randomer.

LOL maybe you could try the same thing! And obviously most children would prefer their parents together.

BollocksToBrexit · 04/09/2019 15:21

My DD was away when I met my DH and he just didn't go home. I know it sounds crazy but I knew from the minute we met that this was forever. Unlike my previous boyfriend who I was with for 5 years but who only met DD a handful of times. We've been together 20 years now and him and DD have a wonderfully close relationship. He's her dad.

Redwinestillfine · 04/09/2019 15:25

I agree it's more about commitment than time. When you're married/ getting married. If that's not on the cards then I'd say it's not serious enough for them to be living there.

NotTonightJosepheen · 04/09/2019 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BunnyColvin · 04/09/2019 15:28

Obviously it's not for everyone but a blanket "no one moves in together until the children are gone" isn't either

Nobody is saying that. Personally I won't be moving anyone into my house, probably ever, but if others want to, have at it.

An awful lot of projecting on this thread.

PennyDreadfuI · 04/09/2019 15:30

Genuinely shocked by the PPs saying they'd never allow a new partner to move in while the DC still live at home. What if they don't leave until they're in their 20s? 30s? It happens. Are you really going to deny yourself happiness and companionship for the next two or three decades? Why shouldn't a child share you? Of course they'll always come first. That would be the same whether they lived at home or not, whether they're 5 or 35. But why on earth does that mean you can't have a new partner/husband/wife?

DH moved in with me after a few months. We were already engaged. DD was 6 and has called him Dad (absolutely her choice, she asked if she could) since. He's brought her up and they're incredibly close. That was nearly 20 years ago and we're all very happy.

If I'd have waited for DD to move out, I would have let the love of my life pass me by - and DD would have grown up without the dad she adores.

WhatsMyPassword · 04/09/2019 15:31

Not until the children are adults and moved out.

I am laughing - loudly - because they never leave home apparently

Young adults (aged 20 to 34) in the UK are more likely to be sharing a home with their parents than any time since 1996.1

There were 618,000 more young adults living with their parents in 2015 than in 1996 - 3.3 million compared with 2.7 million.

Around one in four young adults lived with their parents in 2015.

Nearly half of 20 to 24 year olds lived with their parents in 2015, compared with a fifth of 25 to 29 year olds. For 30 to 34 year olds, this figure was less than one in 10.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/families/articles/whyaremoreyoungpeoplelivingwiththeirparents/2016-02-22

JacquesHammer · 04/09/2019 15:36

Are you really going to deny yourself happiness and companionship for the next two or three decades?

Not everyone needs a partner to be happy.

cranstonmanor · 04/09/2019 15:46

I think 1 year before they get to meet him. Depending on the age when I would ASK them how they would feel abput another adult in their home. I would feel unimportant if someone just moves another adult in and I don't think I would have felt differently as a child. Besides I have seen kids been abused (hit) by someones new partner. Major risk if you ask me.

cranstonmanor · 04/09/2019 15:47

Are you really going to deny yourself happiness and companionship for the next two or three decades?

You don't need to live together for that.

1wokeuplikethis · 04/09/2019 15:53

My ex SIL seems to have a bit of a revolving door. She’s had three boyfriends move in over the last 4 years, with very young children living with her full time.

It terrifies me, but she will never change and takes any sort of advice as criticism. She clearly struggles with proper long-term commitment and the children witness every new ‘friend’ appearing, then after a short while disappearing forever...it’s very unhealthy and I fear her judge of character is completely skewed, she could be bringing anybody into the house.

So I would say that’s definitely how NOT to do it.

TheQueef · 04/09/2019 15:55

This expectation that women should stay single to avoid upsetting their children doesn’t actually take into account their needs. It reeks of prejudice

If men could be trusted not to cheat, molest, abuse etc you might have a point.
As it is the risks you run when inviting a man to live with you are too high, it's self preservation not an expectation.

PennyDreadfuI · 04/09/2019 16:12

Not everyone needs a partner to be happy

I didn't say that they did. But if you meet someone you click with, and are open to a relationship, the 'no moving in unti the DC have left' rule means you'd pass that up.

You don't need to live together for that

No. But you do miss building a home and a shared future, if that's what you're into.

If men could be trusted not to cheat, molest, abuse etc you might have a point.
As it is the risks you run when inviting a man to live with you are too high, it's self preservation not an expectation

Women don't just live with men, you know.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 04/09/2019 16:19

If the children don't want the partner to move in then s/he shouldn't, until the children are old enough to realistically move out and support themselves.

If both partners have children that stay overnight I would also say not until the children have a choice to move out. 'Blended' families rarely work for the children involved.

Drabarni · 04/09/2019 16:24

Either wait for dc to leave home or until they know him well and have a relationship with him.
When you are ready to become partners and pretty sure you are going to go the distance.

NotTonightJosepheen · 04/09/2019 16:24

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/09/2019 16:28

It's been said loads of times that nobody is saying don't have a relationship, we're saying we just don't need to live with someone! Plenty of people have successful relationships without living together.

I don't particularly want to build a home and future with someone. I don't want to get married again or have any more DC and I want everything I've been working for as a single parent to go to DS and DS alone. That means keeping a home and finances in my name only.

A family set up doesn't have to involve two adults cohabiting. My DS has plenty of extended family, grandparents and aunts and uncles who all live close by, plus his dad is still in his life. He doesn't need me to get a boyfriend to have a family.

duffyluth · 04/09/2019 16:30

@BogglesGoggles

This expectation that women should stay single to avoid upsetting their children doesn’t actually take into account their needs. It reeks of prejudice.

Nobody is saying women should stay single. They are suggesting not moving a partner in. That is not to avoid upsetting children, it is to protect children. No prejudice, simple common sense.

Preggosaurus9 · 04/09/2019 16:35

As someone whose mother did this, and it resulted in domestic abuse, I can confidently say "when the DC reach age 18 and/or have left home for good"

ForalltheSaints · 04/09/2019 16:36

Would we say the same about a man with a young family, where it occurs?

Asta19 · 04/09/2019 16:45

So to those people who take it very slow, won’t introduce to the DC for over a year etc. Where do you tell them you’re going if you go out on a date with the guy? If you’re honest with them aren’t they curious to meet him? Don’t you ever have a friend over to watch a movie or whatever? why is it different if it’s a guy you’re dating?

I think it’s a bit flawed to say wait and see if the relationship has legs first. What if it does but then the DC hate him? Where does that leave you? Surely it’s more important to know the kids like him before you get serious feelings for the person.

I will repeat, I do not condone introducing DC to multiple men, nor do I condone moving someone in overnight. I also take the point that everyone can make their own choices on what they think is right. However, I do feel there is a lot of judgement from those who don’t agree with moving in a guy against those who think it’s ok. If there was no judgement OP wouldn’t have felt the need to start this thread!

BogglesGoggles · 04/09/2019 16:45

@TheQueef @duffyluth most men aren’t dangerous though. I can’t think of a single instance where friends of mine (who I was friends with during childhood) weren’t pleased with their step fathers. So long as women are sensible and sensitive to the needs of their children it’s absurd to say that they are endangering their children by remarrying/moving in a committed partner when it’s actually rather beneficial.

Obviously some women aren’t sensible but that doesn’t make it right to judge women who are and who act in the best interests of their children. Someone holding those views either think that all single mothers are idiots or that all men are dangerous. Either way it’s prejudiced to come out with such huge and such negative generalisations.