How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

[UndertheCedartree]

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

Would we say the same about a man with a young family, where it occurs

Nobody's saying anyone should do anything, just giving their own perspective. But it would be perfectly fine for a man with a young family to say he'd never live with anyone again. I wouldn't find it strange.

@JacquesHammer I think that was meant in the sense of extra family member (s if they have further children/OH had family) as opposed to single parent families aren’t families.

@BogglesGoggles

I did not say anyone was endangering their children. I said the reason people say you should hold off is to protect not to avoid upsetting your child. Every single thing you wrote in response is not to what I actually said.

Obviously some women aren’t sensible but that doesn’t make it right to judge women who are and who act in the best interests of their children. Someone holding those views either think that all single mothers are idiots or that all men are dangerous. Either way it’s prejudiced to come out with such huge and such negative generalisations.

And I definitely didn't say any of this shit

Would we say the same about a man with a young family, where it occurs?

Of course we wouldn't.

I think that was meant in the sense of extra family member (s if they have further children/OH had family) as opposed to single parent families aren’t families

Society in this country is very firmly geared to view a family in its most “traditional” sense.

The message that a happy relationship is the zenith to which everyone should aspire is part of the reason people end up rushing into unsuitable relationships.

My chap met my son very quickly (he was 13 and I'd been divorced for 4 years) and we've been together 3 years but it will be around around another 2 years before we move in together (presuming we don't split up of course!)

@duffyluth the word protect implies a danger. I apologise if that’s not what you meant. It was far more in response to the other poster who came about with some right nonsense.

@JacquesHammer that’s very true.

the word protect implies a danger. I apologise if that’s not what you meant.

Does it? Between the lines then, we protect our children from much more than danger do we not?

I have to clarify, I wasn't saying people should never move anyone new in, I was saying the reason people had suggested not doing so was more about protection and less about upsetting children.

For me. Never. I love my personal space. I've been seeing someone for around 18 months. He's met one of my adult dd's once.

I want to make sure I know him enough before I introduce him properly to my dc's. I don't want to be like my mum and have an endless stream of blokes in their lives.

But hypothetically if we moved in together, at least 18 months of me getting to know him. He would be introduced somewhere out of their home. From there over at least another 18 months of holidays together, obvious overnight stays meals together etc. Stuff to let them get to know each other and for me to see how they interact. A discussion with the dc about another person moving into their home. Finances, chores and all the other dull household stuff discussed with him.

We waited just under 6 years, and he'd known the children 5.5 of those years. We had been on holiday together, had sleepovers, he'd had time alone with the children without me when I had appointments etc.

It's still been hard if I'm honest!

It depends on the individual situation, I have been with my boyfriend six months, my son (4) knows about him and will be meeting him in a couple of months when he has fully settled into school. He has been asking to meet him for a few weeks so he can play football with him in the park.

If that all goes well and my son gets on well with him I would then wait around eighteen months before he fully moved in, if all goes well of course.

There isn’t one single right answer.

Women, remember - you are MOTHERS now, and nothing else. You have absolutely no right to normal family life if you break up with your children's father. You have no right to a fulfilling relationship with a full-time partner. Heaven forbid that you wish to move on and build a new life with someone else, that's a privilege afforded only to the men.

Your children are to rule your life forever and you must sacrifice any and all happiness and fulfilment on the altar of Motherhood. Your children will then grow up and leave home, and you will be left all alone, but at least you'll have this warm fuzzy feeling of eternal martyrdom to sweeten it.

Now, more seriously - move the dude in when you're ready and certain that he's a keeper.

Answering the original post - the right time to move a man into your home is when all your children are adults and no longer resident in the home.

Why anyone thinks their sex life is more important than their children’s peace of mind is a mystery to me.

Anyone can manage a relationship away from home, without it impacting on the children.

You have absolutely no right to normal family life

Why does a “normal family life” involve a partner?

When I first became single, I thought between 18 months and 2 years.

Having spent some time dating as a single mum, I changed my opinion to never. Or, at least, not while my kids live at home with me.

Oh yeah, and heaven forbid that you might want to have a fulfilling sex life with a committed partner. Nuh-uh, you're mothers now. You gotta sneak around like teenagers, or better yet, just give sex up altogether actually, you're MOTHERS, what the hell are you thinking?! You should be sitting there staring at your DCs with a beatific smile at all times, after all.

Or sneak around like a teenager, if you must partake in such activities.

Your sex life does not matter. Your romantic life does not matter. YOU don't matter. You gave birth to some man's child in the past, so that's it now, either be happy with him or with nobody.

I've got a boyfriend I see regularly and I have no plans to move him in while the dc are dependent. I'm not a martyr and it's not a sacrifice.

My experience of step-families is such that I don't want my dc to have the same.

Living alone has huge pluses for women, actually. And since blokes tend to die first, most of us end up alone in old age any way .

Or you’ve, you know, chosen to give birth to your own child/children (not just ‘some man’s children’) and SHOULD prioritise them for the formative years of their childhood, even if that does mean putting your own wants to the side for their benefit.

What if it does but then the DC hate him?

So don’t move him in. Don’t make them be around him. Don’t involve your children in your love life. It’s not hard.

Where does that leave you?

Exactly where you were before you introduced them- dating a man who has nothing to do with your children.

I can't imagine it would be at all easy ever moving a partner in when you have adult children (even if they don't live at home, my friend is living with a 70+ year old, all his children have left home yet they make her life hell).

I don't think you can under estimate the effect on moving a partner in .. I was speaking to a young colleague at work who has a blended family, on the surface it all looks perfect, two lovely homes (no financial worries on either side), freedom to move between them, but the hurt and anguish he told me about, and the bitterness that he has endured over the years due to court cases etc clearly makes him very sad.

My mum grew up in a home where her mother found someone very quickly after divorce, moved him in and he turned out to be a bully. My parents divorced when my siblings and I were quite young. As a result of her experience, she swore she’d never introduce a man into our home. I am sad for her because we are adults and she’s single but she says she likes things the way it is and she would be in a relationship if she wanted but she doesn’t. I do wonder, though, if it’s because she was unable to establish a proper relationship for many years while her kids lived at home.

*Women, remember - you are MOTHERS now, and nothing else. You have absolutely no right to normal family life if you break up with your children's father. You have no right to a fulfilling relationship with a full-time partner. Heaven forbid that you wish to move on and build a new life with someone else, that's a privilege afforded only to the men.i

Your children are to rule your life forever and you must sacrifice any and all happiness and fulfilment on the altar of Motherhood. Your children will then grow up and leave home, and you will be left all alone, but at least you'll have this warm fuzzy feeling of eternal martyrdom to sweeten it.

YAWN.

I'm not moving in with my fiance until the children are independent.