How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

[UndertheCedartree]

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

Speaking from personal experience, as a DC I was moved from house to house at least 6 times due to my DMs relationships. It was really disruptive and I am really jealous of friends/partners who grew up with a stable family home (many of them still have one now). I don't remember my DM ever considering me or my DB when moving in with a man, so it's so lovely reading that so many mothers do care.

My exDP has kids and their DM has only just now moved in with her DP of 2+ years. The DC always spoke extremely highly of him and had lots of dinners/weekends away as a unit way before he moved in.

Ultimately, I think you have to consider your DC's. Will they have to move schools because of it? Will there be blended families (always difficult)? How serious is the relationship? Etc etc

Unless you are adamant your DC are moving out at 18, you can't put your life "on hold" indefinitely.

People can do whatever they like. It mightn't suit you but they’re not asking you to do it.

What I do find quite funny is that very, very few people judged DH for moving me in

Outwardly. Very few people judged him outwardly, that he was aware of. You’ve no idea who was thinking it was wrong privately. People are very polite and tend not to say when they think someone is making a mistake. Mainly because it’s none of their business.

I think in most cases the negatives outweigh the positives by far for the dc. The parents will often say that they make it work but ask the children and you get a different answer. A lot of the people saying never will have grown up in step families themselves...

I've been with my dp for 2 years, my dc are 14 & 16. We have decided not to live together until my dc have gone to Uni. I do not want to make the dc feel uncomfortable in their homes and feel in the middle of the two relationships. It works well for us and my dc love my partner.

I think that many posters fail to take into account the negative impact that having a single parent has on the welfare of children. Starting with less resources during childhood, often over-dependence during adolescence from emotional support right through to caring for younger children (obviously this isn’t always the case but more often than not ime), to less support as the parent ages (starting from having greater needs for company during retirement to worry over them being alone as health fails).

This expectation that women should stay single to avoid upsetting their children doesn’t actually take into account their needs. It reeks of prejudice.

@Asta19 choosing not to move a partner in isn't "putting your life on hold." I personally just don't feel it's necessary. To be honest, I don't even think I'd want to live with a man even after DS moves out!

Never rush a relationship due to presumed biological clock running out @LuluBellaBlue. Take it at the pace you would if kids weren’t on the cards. Far better you get to know him properly and that he gets on with your son before tying yourself to him permanently with a new child.

This expectation that women should stay single to avoid upsetting their children

Except that’s not what anyone is saying.
1)No-one is saying women should stay single. It’s entirely possibly to have a Long term committed relationship with someone who doesn’t live with you.
2) it’s not “upsetting” the children that’s the concern. It’s so much more than that. Don’t be disingenuous.

Outwardly. Very few people judged him outwardly, that he was aware of. You’ve no idea who was thinking it was wrong privately. People are very polite and tend not to say when they think someone is making a mistake. Mainly because it’s none of their business.

There were plenty happy to judge me outwardly, so I think that my surmising of the situation is quite accurate.

And when he was widowed people were outwardly critical of him if they felt it merited it - his parenting, his work choices etc.

I find the opposite to you, many many people are not very polite. Many have the "I'm just saying it as it is" mantra and think their opinion is important and/or right and should be heard.

Longer than the insta mum of two young children who's moving her children to London to move in with her new man who she's had for a couple of months as far as I can make out...

I would argue that growing up with a poor step-parent is worse than growing up with a single parent, bogglesgoggles.

Well you know some very rude people in that case lyra. I don’t know people who would treat someone like that.

This expectation that women should stay single to avoid upsetting their children doesn’t actually take into account their needs. It reeks of prejudice

Nah you've got that one way wrong. There are myriad reasons other than my children as to why I'd stay single, but as someone meantioned upthread, what's wrong with being in a relationship and not living with someone? Massively underrated IMO.

No parent, either single or coupled up, should be relying overly on their adult children for 'company' as they age. One of the most flawed things about marriage imo is that, in bad examples of it, it's set up to cut people off (often the woman) from other sources of support and friendship that would actually be much more useful to them as they age. No point in being glued to the hip to your partner until they pop off at the age of 60 and then be incapable/unwilling to build a support structure around yourself and be overly reliant on your adult children. If that's what you're planning, good luck with it.

But not all single mum's have support. My ex died so there was no EOW break for me to go and do my own thing. My mum never cared enough to spend any time with the grandkids. It's a catch 22 situation then. How can any relationship progress enough for them to meet your kids if you only manage to see each other for an evening once a week?

If you have no option to go out to meet someone away from your DC that suggests you are bringing them into your home very very early on. Which of course is really risky. This is how children end up seeing a stream of girlfriends/boyfriends going in and out because the parent doesn’t wait long enough to see if the relationship has legs before bringing them home to the children. Lack of childcare is no justification at all for introducing a new partner too early.

'I think that many posters fail to take into account the negative impact that having a single parent has on the welfare of children. Starting with less resources during childhood, often over-dependence during adolescence from emotional support right through to caring for younger children (obviously this isn’t always the case but more often than not ime), to less support as the parent ages (starting from having greater needs for company during retirement to worry over them being alone as health fails).

This expectation that women should stay single to avoid upsetting their children doesn’t actually take into account their needs. It reeks of prejudice'

It's my prejudice against men that makes me think a new boyfriend shouldn't move in. Through my own experience of domestic violence, perpetrated by a man. Abusive men and paedophiles actively look for single mothers to move in with. Of course NAMALT. But a sufficient amount of them are to cement my decision not to move one of them into my house should DH and I ever separate. It's not just that of course, it's the upheaval - I doubt any child has ever been thrilled at the prospect of a stranger being moved into their house, in a position of authority over them.

So yes if the situation ever arises, I will take my children's needs into account over my own. Mine will come second, as they often do, because that's what being a parent is about. Besides, no one needs to have a man living with them. You can have a perfectly fulfilling relationship living apart.

I can't speak for double standards, or what DH would do, because I don't know. I wouldn't like him to move a girlfriend in and would object but if he were to marry again then I suppose I'd have to make my peace with it.

It depends on the individual situation for me.

Moving multiple partners in over a short period of time = not okay.

Moving in with long term committed partner/spouse who you are confident treats your children right and they are comfortable with? I don't see the problem.

My mum lived with her now husband when my parents divorced (not straight away of course but eventually). He's great, I really enjoyed his company and I'd say it didn't have a negative impact on my life having to share my home with him at all, I really liked him being my step father.

Of course there's risk that people need to consider which is why it's best in my book to wait until it's a committed relationship first.

Nobody is suggesting that single mums must stay single. But there are plenty of people like me who just wouldn't cohabit. The two don't have to be mutually exclusive.

I fucked up not only by doing it too soon, but by doing it at all. Won't make that mistake again. Didn't factor in all sorts of things and handled it all so very badly. Don't be me!

I waited 7 months before they met, and he moved in after 2 years. We're now married with another dc, and all settled but I'd take it just as slow every time.

DD's friends mum has moved her boyfriend in after 4 weeks, lots of comments about new daddy being better than existing daddy, blended holidays a few weeks later. I try not to judge out loud, but silently I am, especially as eldest child is now showing some extreme behavioural issues.

To all those saying not to move the boyfriend in until the child has moved out, what if you wanted more children?

My DD is 2.5. If I wait 18ish years to move a partner in there's no chance of me having another child.

I understand wanting to protect your child but you can't put your life on hold. I feel like our lives change enough as women once we have children, without also never having a meaningful relationship once we split up from our child's father.

The man I call dad isn't biologically my father and my mum had moved him in and had my sister by the time I was 4. Thank god she did. Of the three parents I have he is by far and away the best.

I think it's really sad that so many are saying they wouldn't consider living with a partner until their children have moved out.

It might not be all roses trying to blend kids/step-parents/other kids but how sad to miss out on that potential family.

Not until the children are adults, imo. I had a stepfather, and it’s not something I would inflict on my own children. My mother subscribed to the ‘happy mother means happy kids’ theory, but it absolutely was not true. I’m NC with them both now.

It might not be all roses trying to blend kids/step-parents/other kids but how sad to miss out on that potential family

Oh do catch yourself on! You speak for everyone, do you? Every child and every separated woman who ever lived?
Try realising that your view of life isn't necessarily everyone else's and what you want isn't necessarily what everyone wants.

If anything, my children would prefer me and my ex to be together, not some notional randomer. They're capable of rational and valid thought sand opinions, just like every child.