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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To re-home our cat without telling my husband?

272 replies

FiveFarthings · 04/09/2019 02:26

We have an elderly cat who unfortunately doesn’t have a great quality of life at the moment. I think we should re-home her but my husband is refusing.

For background, she is my husband’s cat (originally a rescue about ten years ago). When we met, he moved into my house and he rented his house to some friends. To avoid disturbing the cat, she stayed at his house and was looked after by our friends. She is about 14/15 years old and practically a house cat.

Five years later, we moved my cat and our young dog into my husband’s house. We also have just had a baby.

The elderly cat has not got on with the change at all and started living outside. We tried everything to get her back inside but nothing worked. The other cat/dog are friendly towards her but she hates them. My husband built her an outdoor kennel which she used initially but now won’t go inside it. She spends her time hiding under the cars in the drive, even when it’s pouring with rain.

It’s now been nearly a year. She needs daily medication for a skin condition which she won’t take and she keeps getting sores.

I really think it would be better for her to be re-homed somewhere where she will be properly looked after but my husband is refusing to even consider it. He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that, I would happily keep her as she’s a nice cat but it’s about what’s best for her. It’s getting to the point where his stubbornness is affecting her quality of life.

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

OP posts:
ButtHurt · 04/09/2019 02:32

Why not rehome your pets seeing as it was the old cats home first.

TheRebelAlliance · 04/09/2019 02:34

He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that

sounds totally like that

Why not invest the effort into getting her back into the house? A dedicated indoor room for example? Get some specialist advice about integration which you should have done originally.

Interesting that you don't suggest getting rid of your cat and dog?

rottiemum88 · 04/09/2019 02:36

I think that would be a very deceitful and quite frankly disgusting thing to even contemplate doing...

ILearnedItFromABook · 04/09/2019 02:45

It sounds like the older cat hadn't been living with OP's husband (or her) for quite some time. His friends/renters had been taking care of her, instead. I doubt she feels particularly close to OP's husband, by this time, if she ever did, so maybe she would be better off, if you could find her a new home. At her age, that might not be easy, however.

You could try giving her her own dedicated room, but would she be happy in just one room, after she's previously had the run of the house?

Lying to your husband seems like a bad idea... I'd keep talking to him about it. Surely he must agree that something has to be done. The cat doesn't sound happy, as things stand. He should be less concerned with the optics of the situation than with doing what's best for the cat.

(Suggestions to "get rid" of the other cat and dog are... Hmm. It's not the other animals' fault, and they've been living with the OP and her family this whole time, whereas it doesn't seem that the older cat is likely to be as attached to them, under the circumstances.)

Lplus2 · 04/09/2019 02:48

Absolutely not. I’m shocked you are even considering doing this. She is not your pet and you think it’s a good idea to lie to your husband. Just no.

Original poster
FiveFarthings · 04/09/2019 02:54

We’ve tried the dedicated room and also got advice from vet/local behavioralist for integration. Like I said, we’ve tried everything available to us to make her comfortable. We are responsible pet owners despite what people might think on this forum.

We could consider re-homing the other cat (also a rescue) but there’s no way we’d rehome the dog. Too much of an integral part of family life to consider that. I’m not sure that getting rid of the other pets would solve the problem though- I don’t think the cat would be comfortable in the house anyway due to the baby as she’s (the cat) quite sensitive to noise.

I just want to do what’s best for her welfare that’s all.

OP posts:
cantfindname · 04/09/2019 02:57

I had a very similar problem with my cat after my partner died. He is also elderly (now 18) and simply refused to come into the house. He had his meals outside (when he ate at all) and if I brought him in then he would panic. He slept anywhere he could find that wasn't the house.

He is also a rescue and I eventually phoned the place he came from. I was advised to feed him lots of tiny meals, literally a teaspoon at a time. I was also told to put Valerian drops on his food (from Hyperdrug online) What a difference!! The drops calmed him much faster than anyone expected and within a week he was coming into the hall to eat, within a month he was back to his normal self. They also suggested Felliway plug-ins but I never got as far as getting those as the valerian worked so well.

You really can't rehome a cat that age. She will simply live out her days at a rescue and be miserable; no one will take her on. If you can't get her integrated into the household and her health begins to deteriorate then really and honestly there is only one answer.

On a very temporary basis, forget the skin meds and concentrate on getting her inside. I found the only thing that tempted my boy to eat was tuna, so I bought the one in sunflower oil which is a lot more calories and also the oil helped his skin. But literally just a teaspoon at a time to start and don't leave any food down if she leaves it.

Good luck. I know you have had some harsh replies, but no one who hasn't been through this understands exactly how stubborn they can be and how much they worry you as they stay out in all weather.

Wonderland18 · 04/09/2019 02:58

My ex regimes my cat while he was keeping him for me to settle into a new house. It was awful.
If you do it behind your husbands back there will be major relationship issues BUT this cat needs a better quality of life your right.

I’d talk to your husband calmly, logically and frequently about it. He should come round.

Wonderland18 · 04/09/2019 02:59

*rehomed not regimes

SequinnedSlippers · 04/09/2019 03:02

If my husband did that to me I would never trust him again.

rottiemum88 · 04/09/2019 03:13

I just want to do what’s best for her welfare that’s all.

If that's genuinely true then you take the time to talk to your husband calmly and reasonably about it. You don't rehome a cat he owned for many years before you came along behind his back.

avamiah · 04/09/2019 03:26

rottiemum88,
Yes totally agree with you .
The cat is his family you don’t get rid of something because it doesn’t fit into your life anymore or because it’s old or becomes sick .

LiveInAHidingPlace · 04/09/2019 03:28

You sound horrible to both the cat and your husband.

Always the same on here - I want to get rid of the pet and you can guarantee that the new baby will be mentioned pretty soon.

Jesaminecollins · 04/09/2019 03:30

Lets hope nobody re-homes you when you become sick and elderly - I think you are being mean to an elderly cat. Cats can become very unhappy if they are uprooted from their homes. Why can't you make some allowances for this poorly old pussycat?

avamiah · 04/09/2019 03:32

rottiemum88,
I take it you have rotties?
I apologise for going off thread but I had to ask as I grew up with Rottweilers but have 3 cats now as I have a young child .

Bananarama12 · 04/09/2019 03:47

The Valerian drops are a good idea. Had my cat purring away during a house move. In food, on bedding etc.

Purpleartichoke · 04/09/2019 03:52

My DH had a cat that just couldn’t accept that I joined the household. We eventually had to confine her to his home office. She was also on anti-anxiety medication for some time to help.

At 15, rehiring a cat is simply unrealistic. If the quality of life has declined severely, you should be considering euthanasia. If it isn’t that bad yet, I would really reconsider a safe room inside the house and medication.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2019 04:06

He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that,

Hmm

Your H's old cat would be pts in a shelter, not rehomed. She ticks all the boxes for 'No hope'. There are very few people who would be interested in taking on a traumatised older cat with skin problems.

And your H would be justified in never talking to you again if you went through with this idea of going behind his back.

Agree with all the good advice here wrt valerian, small tidbits of food, oil.
I had a cat who got a strep infection of her skin thanks to scratching which was itself the result of allergy to preservatives and dyes in her food. ABs were hard to administer except via sardines in oil, and the vet recommended a brand of super expensive dry food with vitamin E capsules popped and drizzled over it while administering her course of ABs, and for for the foreseeable. She was a new cat in a few weeks. Healthy, shiny coat, sociable, gaining weight. We found a good substitute for the expensive catfood.

squeekums · 04/09/2019 04:11

evil, just evil
if my partner did that to my cat, id walk, like if i rehomed his dog he would walk

visitorthedog · 04/09/2019 04:11

Is it that all your animals now live in your rented house, or you do too? If not, could she come to live with you?

fantasmasgoria1 · 04/09/2019 04:18

That's awful, poor cat. I would never forgive my fiance if he did this. I have a 6 month old kitten and would be devastated if this happened to her. You can't do this behind your husbands back, it would affect your relationship. Just continue to help this senior cat and make her comfortable.

pooboobsleeprepeat · 04/09/2019 04:28

The cat would be pts, the poor thing 😔
You can’t just ship animals off when they’re no longer convenient.
Work harder on trying to get her in, seek advice from a vet or animal behaviourist.

Poppins2016 · 04/09/2019 04:29

if my partner did that to my cat, id walk

Absolutely. Me too.

OP, whatever you do, you must communicate and be open about it.

Skittlenommer · 04/09/2019 04:30

He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that

This is exactly what it comes down to. You have the new baby now so the cat is being pushed out. If you rehomed the cat without telling him it’s likely he’ll never forgive you!!

Shebertherbert · 04/09/2019 04:36

What an evil thing to do. If my husband did this to me our marriage would be over. I would never forgive him. I love my cat. He's my best friend and family. You don't deserve pets.