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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To re-home our cat without telling my husband?

272 replies

FiveFarthings · 04/09/2019 02:26

We have an elderly cat who unfortunately doesn’t have a great quality of life at the moment. I think we should re-home her but my husband is refusing.

For background, she is my husband’s cat (originally a rescue about ten years ago). When we met, he moved into my house and he rented his house to some friends. To avoid disturbing the cat, she stayed at his house and was looked after by our friends. She is about 14/15 years old and practically a house cat.

Five years later, we moved my cat and our young dog into my husband’s house. We also have just had a baby.

The elderly cat has not got on with the change at all and started living outside. We tried everything to get her back inside but nothing worked. The other cat/dog are friendly towards her but she hates them. My husband built her an outdoor kennel which she used initially but now won’t go inside it. She spends her time hiding under the cars in the drive, even when it’s pouring with rain.

It’s now been nearly a year. She needs daily medication for a skin condition which she won’t take and she keeps getting sores.

I really think it would be better for her to be re-homed somewhere where she will be properly looked after but my husband is refusing to even consider it. He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that, I would happily keep her as she’s a nice cat but it’s about what’s best for her. It’s getting to the point where his stubbornness is affecting her quality of life.

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

OP posts:
ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 04/09/2019 07:59

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

THAT, is awful and just disgusting. This is your husband, how on earth could you deceive him like that? How would you feel if he did that to one of your pets and then lied to you?

Speak with your husband and discuss what would be best but hear him out too, his opinion and choice is just as valid as yours.

You should be ashamed for even considering this level of deceit.

Templetonstunafish · 04/09/2019 08:00

My FIL gave CBD oil to his elderly cat who had similar skin & integration problems. Humans also can use it for anxiety which I guess is the problem? Might help anyway, good luck OP it sounds like a sad situation.

bodgeitandscarper · 04/09/2019 08:00

She needs bringing indoors and giving her own dedicated space, whether a spare room or a bedroom. Trying to force her to mix with other animals is obviously too stressful for her. It doesn't take much to provide a safe area where she can have a litter tray, food and water, and as she feels safer she may well venture out on her own in time. She will certainly be better off indoors than ill and outside. It may seem an impossible task, but you've got to be patient, I've tamed adult ferals that were supposedly untameable, they were terrified initially, but all got used to being indoors and happy friendly cats.
If you can't do that, then I do think it is probably kinder to euthanise, an older cat suffering from stress is unlkely to do well in a cattery, and the rescues are inundated with cats in genuine need, I don't think it would be fair to dump an old cat on them.

leafyskyline · 04/09/2019 08:03

@FamilyOfAliens we've only go the OPs word she tried a behaviourist

Christ. Of course we've only got OPs word, that's the entire premise of this site Hmm

BertrandRussell · 04/09/2019 08:07

I agree that lying about it is not the answer.

But I don’t know what is. And neither does anyone else. Stop telling the OP off and come up with solutions. Ones the OP hasn’t already tried.

katseyes7 · 04/09/2019 08:14

l just want to do what’s best for her welfare that’s all.

Poor creature. She's very old and you want to 'get rid' of her. How much longer do you think she's going to live? l'm not even a cat person, but l think you're being callous and unkind. Surely anyone with a scrap of compassion and reason would recognise that with her age, this won't be an issue for much longer.
Quite frankly, if a partner of mine did this to a pet of mine, that'd be it. No way would l want to be in a relationship with someone so unfeeling.
"She won't take her medication". She's old and ill. Of course she doesn't understand that it's for her own good. lt's up to you (and your husband) to see that she gets the treatment she needs. My rabbits hate being given medication, but as a responsible and caring pet owner, l make sure they get it when they need it.

l'm with purpleartichoke on this one. See she gets her medication, and find her a safe place to live out her remaining time. lf you can't r won't do that, you should consider having her pts. lt's kinder.

DriftingLeaves · 04/09/2019 08:15

The kindest thing would be to have it put to sleep.

OMGshefoundmeout · 04/09/2019 08:16

Cats generally do not take well to relocation. They attach to territories not people so to try and and rehome an old cat like that would be positively cruel. If she genuinely has little quality of life it would kinder to have her quietly pts at home.

misspiggy19 · 04/09/2019 08:16

You don't rehome a cat he owned for many years before you came along behind his back

^Completely agreee

BertrandRussell · 04/09/2019 08:21

“You don't rehome a cat he owned for many years before you came along behind his back*

^Completely agreee“

I agree too. So start coming up with suggestions the OP hasn’t yet tried.

CassianAndor · 04/09/2019 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CassianAndor · 04/09/2019 08:22

PMSL at couples counselling. JFC.

Tarqs · 04/09/2019 08:23

If my DP re-homed my cat without my agreement, I’d re-home my DP straight after.

SarahH12 · 04/09/2019 08:24

Why on earth didn't his cat live with you all in the first place? If my fiance did this to one of mine, I'd be out of here and never look back.

PP mentioned you wouldn't put your child in this situation. No you wouldn't, you'd have considered their feelings in the first instance, which is what should have happened here before they 1) abandoned her in the first place and then 2) moved some other animals and a baby into her home.

SarahH12 · 04/09/2019 08:26

So start coming up with suggestions the OP hasn’t yet tried.

@BertrandRussell bit hard to do considering the OP hasn't actually said what suggestions she's done other than consulting a vet (yes so what did the vet say?), and setting up an inadequate kennel.

LittleLongDog · 04/09/2019 08:27

If it were me I would:

  • put her in the quietest room in the home and keep the door shut (obviously put a litter tray in, a feliway and lots of nice hidey places for her).
  • take her her food in there (with valerian as pp suggested) but just drop it off and leave her be.
  • go in regularly but not too often to just sit and talk gently at her.

Basically treat her like the very unhappy, nervous cat that she is and help her to feel safe and warm and loved again.

Mia184 · 04/09/2019 08:27

OP, you moved into the house the cat has spent the past 10 years in and brought your cat and your dog with you. The normal way to introduce a cat to other animals is to keep them separate at first and slowly introduce them via scent-swapping. This means that the old cat gets the free roam of „her“ house (it is her territory and she will see the other animals as intruders) and your animals get confined to a certain area where they will not encounter the old cat. This can still be done when an introduction has gone wrong. OP, you should ask for this thread to be moved to the litter tray where you may get help on how to reintroduce the animals.
Alternatively, can‘t you let your animals live at your parents‘ or a friends‘ home? Your husband‘s cat has lived at the house for 10 years, it is her home.

mushroom3 · 04/09/2019 08:28

Poor cat, your suggestion sounds totally selfish.

tweebookworm · 04/09/2019 08:30

This is s though situation. The current set up is not fair on the cat and I agree is no quality of life. You need to have a discussion together as a family. You can't get rehome her behind his back this needs to be a joined decision.

First of all get her back into the house and give her a private room away from the other pets and make sure she gets her medication. See if you can get her used to this set up. If you have tried everything to get her to settle in maybe rehoming to someone you know might be the best option.

I do agree sometimes rehoming is the best thing for the pet if all other avenues of resolving their life quality have been tried. It would not be fair for the animal to be under constant stress/fear etc. How ever this should never be done behind someone's back

Yabbers · 04/09/2019 08:30

We’ve only got the OP’s word that she has sought the advice of a behaviourist

We’ve only got the OP’s word that she has two cats, a dog and a husband. Are you really forming an opinion by picking and choosing what you believe?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/09/2019 08:30

It's so so unlikely the cat will be rehomed. I can't believe it would be happier living in a shelter than with you. My cat is outside a lot. Probably 4 or 5 days a week, then a couple of day's sleep then it starts again. She is a few years younger than yours but she seems happy enough

tweebookworm · 04/09/2019 08:33

@Namechangeforthiscancershit but this cat has medical needs that are not being tended to because she is outside. Your cat is healthy OPs cat is not

diddl · 04/09/2019 08:35

"He owned the cat but didnt have it living with him."

Yes!

He moved out & left he cat behind-why?

I'm guessing because Op had a cat & dog at her place when he moved there?

So how much does he care about his cat?

Writersblock2 · 04/09/2019 08:35

Honestly, the best option is if your partner regimes YOU. I wouldn’t stand for being in a relationship with someone who has no regard for my pet.

Jollitwiglet · 04/09/2019 08:35

Do you have any idea how difficult it would be to find a home for an elderly cat with a skin condition?