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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To re-home our cat without telling my husband?

272 replies

FiveFarthings · 04/09/2019 02:26

We have an elderly cat who unfortunately doesn’t have a great quality of life at the moment. I think we should re-home her but my husband is refusing.

For background, she is my husband’s cat (originally a rescue about ten years ago). When we met, he moved into my house and he rented his house to some friends. To avoid disturbing the cat, she stayed at his house and was looked after by our friends. She is about 14/15 years old and practically a house cat.

Five years later, we moved my cat and our young dog into my husband’s house. We also have just had a baby.

The elderly cat has not got on with the change at all and started living outside. We tried everything to get her back inside but nothing worked. The other cat/dog are friendly towards her but she hates them. My husband built her an outdoor kennel which she used initially but now won’t go inside it. She spends her time hiding under the cars in the drive, even when it’s pouring with rain.

It’s now been nearly a year. She needs daily medication for a skin condition which she won’t take and she keeps getting sores.

I really think it would be better for her to be re-homed somewhere where she will be properly looked after but my husband is refusing to even consider it. He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that, I would happily keep her as she’s a nice cat but it’s about what’s best for her. It’s getting to the point where his stubbornness is affecting her quality of life.

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

OP posts:
Writersblock2 · 04/09/2019 08:35

*rehomes
I shouldn’t type when I’m angry. Hmm

Thurmanmurman · 04/09/2019 08:37

Great idea OP. People are queuing up to take on elderly cats with health problems🙄

CassianAndor · 04/09/2019 08:43

Writers you shouldn't type when you haven't anything intelligent to say.

How much regard do you think the cat's actual owner has for it?

ChuckleBuckles · 04/09/2019 08:44

Five years later, we moved my cat and our young dog into my husband’s house. We also have just had a baby

So all these pets live in the house that your husband rents to friends, and not actually in your family home? Do you plan to send the baby over there too if you have another child? Bonkers.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/09/2019 08:44

I do think you're coming from a place of caring and are trying to do the best thing for everyone.

Except her husband and the cat. Do you really think lying to her husband is best for him?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/09/2019 08:46

YABU to even think of rehoming the cat behind your DH's back.

The cat would probably be able to cope with the baby, the other cat, or the dog, just not all three. I suggest you think about which one you'd like to keep...

PawPawNoodle · 04/09/2019 08:46

God, if I were your partner I'd rehome you next if you did that.

katewhinesalot · 04/09/2019 08:46

Some good tips for you to try here.

Obviously you can't do it behind your husband's back but I don't knew why people are being nasty to you on here. It's clear that you have tried really hard already but had run out of ideas. It's clear that you have her best interests at heart.

I'm sure you'll now try the new ideas. Good luck.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2019 08:46

If you do this your husband will find out eventually. Then you may find you, the baby and your pets need to move out ironically leaving the house free for the now euthanised / rehomed cat.

Personally I would explore giving the cat whatever drugs she needs to be calm and comfortable in a dedicated room. You have been given a few suggestions upthread.

Witsendagain · 04/09/2019 08:48

Honestly I would divorce my husband if he rehomed my pet against my wishes.

The trust would be gone.

Juells · 04/09/2019 08:49

I don't knew why people are being nasty to you on here. It's clear that you have tried really hard already

She's tried really hard to do all the things that make a cat uncomfortable.

Chillisauceboss · 04/09/2019 08:49

Rehome your own pets!!!! Can't believe you've created this situation and this is your proposed solution. Disgusting

aliensprig · 04/09/2019 08:50

@FiveFarthings you need to go right back to basics here:

www.catchat.org/index.php/new-cat-in-the-home

Cat needs to be in the bonding room for several weeks, if not months, to reintroduce her to the household and get her integrated again. She shouldn't be outside all the time with a skin condition.

Please reconsider rehoming her, at her age she won't find another home :(

Message me if you want, and if you're not too far from me, I will take her.

Littlemeadow123 · 04/09/2019 08:50

You should carry on trying to get her back into the house. From the sounds of it, you haven't done everything you possibly can for her.

If you take her to a rescue centre, you will be condemning her to death.

If my DH tried to rehome one of my animals behind my back, there would be a divorce. I'd also do whatever it took to get that animal back, even if it meant taking legal action against him. Because taking a person's cat and giving it to someone else or a rescue centre, that is theft. Even if that person is your other half.

CassianAndor · 04/09/2019 08:50

Pink did you read the bit about the cat spending all its time crouching under cars, with sores that can't be treated? How well do you consider the husband to be caring for his cat?

Juells · 04/09/2019 08:50

...and I say that as someone who doesn't even like cats. But she has a responsibility - or at least her husband has. The OP is the one who introduced other animals into the cat's home.

raskolnikova · 04/09/2019 08:52

So you feel like the dog is part of the family but not the cats? That's a pretty mean attitude.

This. The OP doesn't seem particularly emotionally attached to her own, presumably healthy (?), cat, since she would rehome that one too, but not the dog. What a sad situation for both of the cats Sad

CassianAndor · 04/09/2019 08:54

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MaggietheHorseThief · 04/09/2019 08:56

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

Alright Satan - let's dial it back a bit.

If any pets have to be rehomed it should be yours. For one thing, you're delusional if you think it will be anything short of almost impossible to rehome a 15yo cat with health problems. And for another, the cat precedes your pets. If you have to rehome any of them it should be last in first out.

jesuschristwtf · 04/09/2019 08:57

Hopefully your husband won’t re home you when you become old, sick and poorly. You sound like an awful person OP. The cat will be better off without you I agree.

IdblowJonSnow · 04/09/2019 08:58

The worst thing is your idea of pretending she ran away?! Your dh would have weeks or months of worry wondering what had happened to cat and not knowing whether it's alive or not. That would be a very cruel thing to do.
Not your cat not your decision.

june2007 · 04/09/2019 09:00

Can she be an out door cat. TRy to tempt her inot the kennel. You may find as it gets colder can wants to come in.

PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2019 09:01

If you did this behind my back I would seriously end the relationship.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 04/09/2019 09:03

The worst thing is your idea of pretending she ran away

This is what struck me too. Anyone who has ever had a pet run away will know that for years after the worry and wondering what if never leaves you. Its such a cruel way to lose a pet. Putting the cat to sleep would be kinder than letting him spend the rest of his life wondering what happened to her.

doxxed · 04/09/2019 09:08

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