To re-home our cat without telling my husband?

[FiveFarthings]

We have an elderly cat who unfortunately doesn’t have a great quality of life at the moment. I think we should re-home her but my husband is refusing.

For background, she is my husband’s cat (originally a rescue about ten years ago). When we met, he moved into my house and he rented his house to some friends. To avoid disturbing the cat, she stayed at his house and was looked after by our friends. She is about 14/15 years old and practically a house cat.

Five years later, we moved my cat and our young dog into my husband’s house. We also have just had a baby.

The elderly cat has not got on with the change at all and started living outside. We tried everything to get her back inside but nothing worked. The other cat/dog are friendly towards her but she hates them. My husband built her an outdoor kennel which she used initially but now won’t go inside it. She spends her time hiding under the cars in the drive, even when it’s pouring with rain.

It’s now been nearly a year. She needs daily medication for a skin condition which she won’t take and she keeps getting sores.

I really think it would be better for her to be re-homed somewhere where she will be properly looked after but my husband is refusing to even consider it. He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that, I would happily keep her as she’s a nice cat but it’s about what’s best for her. It’s getting to the point where his stubbornness is affecting her quality of life.

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that

So he’s more worried about what it looks like than what is best for the cat? If the cat is unhappy it should be re-homed. That would be kindest for the cat. But your OH should be in agreement to it.

I don’t agree with the argument that you cannot just rehome a pet to suit you. If you decide to change your circumstances so completely that the pet no longer feels comfortable in it’s home and despite working with the pet, nothing changes, it is adding to the pet’s torment to keep them and force them to live in a situation they cannot tolerate. People suggest you would never rehome a child to suit, but neither would you force them into a situation they cannot deal with and leave them to it.

I cannot believe people are being so vile to the OP. Are people really that bored?

What makes you think people are bored? I’m up having my breakfast before I go to work. Are you bored, LEM?

But then what is your plan for when he realises the cat is gone? just hope he assumes the cat has run away/gone away to die/been run over? I think it’s quite cruel to DH as well as the cat! Sounds like a really stressful situation for you as well as the cat though.

Can people stop with the, "she'd die in a rescue/no one would adopt" her nonsense. As someone who has worked in rescues for many years it's simply not true.

She's 14 and could happily go on to live another 6+ years. A lot of people want an older cat as they don't want the 20yr commitment of a kitten. She would likely find a home with a retired older couple as a companion cat.

A much more suitable outcome for her than living under a car trying to avoid a baby, cat and young dog.

If my husband rehomed my cat without my permission, it would be the end of our marriage.

Do not lie to your DH. I would never, ever forgive mine if he did the same to me.

Elderly cats with health problems can be rehomed (I got ours at 15 years old from a rescue, he is now 19 and happily purring by my side as I speak. He is diabetic and epileptic with a heart condition but all manageable and he remains playful and affectionate as can be).

Oh and he is also an indoor cat now - at rescue centre's advice, given health conditions. Has adapted perfectly happily despite having been an outdoor cat previously (apparently).

What has happened when you have just kept the cat inside, with Feliway, plenty of quiet time and a private space carved out? Am assuming you/DH have tried that before you consider getting rid?

Jesus Christ! WTF is wrong with some of you MNers this morning?! Can some of you not read or do you just enjoy a bit of early morning nastiness?

The OP has tried to make the cat happy, she's sought advice from a behavioirist and a vet to no avail. The cat is bloody miserable and covered in sores. Trying to force it inside when it doesn't want to be would be damn right cruel.

OP don't get rid of the car behind your DH's back but I do think something needs to be done. Ignore the bitchynes towards you, I do think you're coming from a place of caring and are trying to do the best thing for everyone.

Do you have a garage? If so put a cat flap in, food, water, beds and a heat source and the cat may happily live in there. Growing up we had a cat who didn’t like being in the house but happily lived in the garage which had the boiler in (cat had bed on the boiler). In the very cold weather my parents would put an electric radiator in there.

I think it’s would be an awful thing to do OP. I have had many pets over the years, never once would I have considered re-homing,for me when you take on a pet it’s a commitment for the whole of their lives. It’s called taking responsibility.

If you cat is elderly and in pain, you don’t just pass the problem, you seek vet advice, and if necessary if the prognosis is bleak, you may need to consider PTS.

You poor cat, won’t want to end it’s days in a shelter.

And as for not telling your DH, wow, how would you feel if he did something like that to you?

Do what you can to improve the cat’s quality of life. Living indoors is not essential, but she needs a place to shelter and feel safe. Maybe the kennel is in the wrong place or there is something about it that scares her. Try cleaning it and raising it off the ground away from foxes.

Having said that about elderly cats and rehoming, he was in Battersea for a few months - which is unusually long for any of their cats.

Don't whatever you do rehome the cat without your husband's permission. That would really damage your marriage and his trust in you.
I think the advice above about Valerian drops and very small meals is great. I had a cat that behaved like this after a house move. He was a rescue and in the new house he seemed to have a nervous breakdown. He hid in the roof voids and wouldn't come out. The cat sounds like it suffering from severe stress and disorientation.

When our cat went missing we contacted all the local cat rescues so I'm sure your lie would very quickly unravel.
I have deliberately taken on the older unwanted cats, although now we're up to 6 and 1 of those is separated from the others we couldn't take on another but I am sure I'm not the only one. Talk to a rescue to see their waiting lists. Talk to your husband but do nothing without his consent.

If I ever found out you'd written on here about getting rid of my cat, I'd get my cat, move out and leave you on your own. I'd never ever forgive you.

I would try to find an option of nice home for it locally where he can visit it (any friends prepared to take it?). Then, having found a place for it, I would tell your husband in advance in the hope of persuading him/presenting your idea/plan as an alternative option. Alternatively, give the cat it's own dedicated room to eat and sleep which is totally off limits to pets etc. Occasionally my mum's cat comes to stay. When he does, my cat has use of the upstairs bathroom to eat and sleep. It helps that there is a flat roof below so she can enter and leave through the window.

Why was the cat left behind in the first place?

Because you already had a cat & dog?

So the cat's owner was hardly thinking of the cat then was he-just moving where he wanted to!

HRTFT because I didn't get past the OP. Is this even real? I find it difficult to believe.

You want to palm off a sick 14-year-old cat on someone else, calling it 're-homing'. It isn't your cat, it's your husband's.

If the cat won't go into the outside cat house, then there's something wrong with the house. I had an old cat that wanted to be outside at night, and I got sick of having to get up at four to let him out. I got a house for outside, but lined it (walls, floor, roof) with polystyrene and carpet, with cushions on the floor. Cats like comfort. If the cat won't go in the kennel it's because the kennel isn't comfortable.

Take responsibility for the animal.

The OP has tried to make the cat happy, she's sought advice from a behavioirist and a vet to no avail.

We’ve only got the OP’s word that she has sought the advice of a behaviourist. She hasn’t actually said what advice was given, what she did when it didn’t work, what she has tried subsequently and whether it is an ongoing process.

I can’t imagine many animal behaviourists would give up on a pet after one appointment.

OP, people are being pretty harsh and unhelpful, expecting you to rehome your dog and other cat just isn’t that easy, you probably shouldn’t have got the other pets but it’s a bit late now so telling you that isn’t really going to help the situation. I got bashed on here for a similar post after moving a dog into my house.

There are people that rehome elderly cats, when my grandad became sick we had to find a home for his very much loved elderly cat, although my grandad loved the cat he didn’t have the best of lives, he was shut in most of the time even though he lived outside previously. We found a lovely lady to take him and now he has a great life. Maybe look into finding a home for the cat rather then sending him to a rescue? He could sit in a rescue for a long time before a home is found due to his age.

Please, please do NOT rehome without your DHs knowledge. For anyone who loves their animals, this would be utterly unforgivable. Get in a behaviourist. Make a safe dedicated space for the cat. Do whatever it takes, but don’t rehome if your DH doesn’t want to. I get that you are concerned about the cats welfare so it’s down to your DH to sort this out - with your help. It’s not fair that he is just saying no to rehoming without doing something about the cat’s quality of life. He needs to face reality.

Why didn’t you rehome “your” pets and keep his old cat comfy in its home. Seems very selfish of you. Do yourself a favour and don’t get anymore pets , they’re meant to actually live with You

I split on this one as the cat does sound unhappy but it must absolutely be a joint decision to rehome her. I would divorce dh if he went behind my back and betrayed me like that

So you feel like the dog is part of the family but not the cats? That's a pretty mean attitude.

I would get a different behaviourist and work with them for as long as they think and then if they suggested the only way your cat will be happy is rehoming then I would work with a charity to do this but with your oh's consent. You can't just tell him it's run away, that's horrible.

Usual knee jerk responses here.

It sounds like the OP cares more enough the cat than her DH does.

However, she wont get rehomed at her age.

You need to sit down with your DH and ask him what his plan is for his cat's care. If he has one. Which I doubt.

I would also divorce my partner if he rehomed my cat. It’s unforgivable.

Get some couples counselling to agree a course of action to help the cat.