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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To re-home our cat without telling my husband?

272 replies

FiveFarthings · 04/09/2019 02:26

We have an elderly cat who unfortunately doesn’t have a great quality of life at the moment. I think we should re-home her but my husband is refusing.

For background, she is my husband’s cat (originally a rescue about ten years ago). When we met, he moved into my house and he rented his house to some friends. To avoid disturbing the cat, she stayed at his house and was looked after by our friends. She is about 14/15 years old and practically a house cat.

Five years later, we moved my cat and our young dog into my husband’s house. We also have just had a baby.

The elderly cat has not got on with the change at all and started living outside. We tried everything to get her back inside but nothing worked. The other cat/dog are friendly towards her but she hates them. My husband built her an outdoor kennel which she used initially but now won’t go inside it. She spends her time hiding under the cars in the drive, even when it’s pouring with rain.

It’s now been nearly a year. She needs daily medication for a skin condition which she won’t take and she keeps getting sores.

I really think it would be better for her to be re-homed somewhere where she will be properly looked after but my husband is refusing to even consider it. He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that, I would happily keep her as she’s a nice cat but it’s about what’s best for her. It’s getting to the point where his stubbornness is affecting her quality of life.

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

OP posts:
tweebookworm · 04/09/2019 15:15

@JessicaWakefieldSV and what is to say she did not already tried those techniques and methods. She mentioned they already got professional advice to try help so I assume she will have already tried them.

Do you really think being locked in one room is more kind then rehoming it? at least in a new home the cat is free to roam and not in isolation for long periods

tweebookworm · 04/09/2019 15:17

@JessicaWakefieldSV rehoming it to a friend or family might be best

bodgeitandscarper · 04/09/2019 15:19

the cat is sick and does not feel comfortable in the house so can't get proper medical treatment. Short of OP moving out the other cat, dog and baby what can she do?

As previously suggested, the cat needs bringing in, and the area making so that she IS comfortable in the house, it can take months for them to overcome fears, leaving her outside under cars isn't in her interests. Many cats are difficult to medicate and try to escape situations where they aren't comfortable, as a responsible owner you sort out the issues with patience and perseverance, you can't just leave them and be negligent.

Giving her a safe space away from the other animals and using things like Feliway, Zylkene, Pet Remedy, Valerian etc. and encouraging play when she's happier can make a massive difference.

Keeping her outside will mean the issues have no chance of being resolved. OP- Google Jackson Galaxy, he has somevideos and advice on making cats feel safe and happy and integrating them with other animals that can be helpful.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 04/09/2019 15:19

Do you really think being locked in one room is more kind then rehoming it? at least in a new home the cat is free to roam and not in isolation for long periods

I would imagine no one would think that is fairer however that's not what is likely to happen to this cat. It's old, it has medical issues and sounds pretty timid of family environments. The sad reality is that this cat would be very unlikely to be rehomed.

I'm hopeful that the OP seems to be taking suggestions on board and hope she and her DH can work together to find a solution that offers this cat the relaxing last few years in her own home that she deserves.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/09/2019 15:23

what is to say she did not already tried those techniques and methods

Try them again. We can only go by what the OP has said and suggestions were made on the first page.

bodgeitandscarper · 04/09/2019 15:23

tweebookworm - When you rehome a new cat it is often advised to keep them in a single room initially. It is certainly not cruel, it gives the cat its own territory where it doesn't feel threatened and is safe.

Moving homes is stressful in itself, and for a cat that suffers stress easily it would be better to keep her secure and build her confidence while medicating for her skin isssues, which could well be stress related. Many street cats will visibly relax once they are used to living in a single room for a while.

CassianAndor · 04/09/2019 15:24

no, she has not said any of that, Jessica. You're making that up.

She wants to find a better home for a cat that currently, with its owner, has a miserable home, and that owner won't do anything to improve the situation. To those in the know, her actual suggestion won't work and other solutions have been provided.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/09/2019 15:24

tweebookworm

It’d be so helpful if you read the thread. This cat, is unlikely to be rehomed due to medical issues and age. Therefore the best solution is inside her actual home, which hopefully turns out to be temporary over months only, but even if permanent is the best option.

CassianAndor · 04/09/2019 15:25

Jessica you might as well come out and say you think the OP is lying, you clearly think that.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/09/2019 15:26

no, she has not said any of that, Jessica. You're making that up.

What? The stuff in the OP? 😬 her opening words?? Really.

The ‘owner’ is her husband, so I’d imagine they consider the animals to be theirs and part of their family.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/09/2019 15:28

Cassian, this is AIBU.

This is the question, copied from the OP:

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

Don’t accuse me of inventing things when the OP wrote them.

BollocksToBrexit · 04/09/2019 15:29

I'm another who thinks this would lead to divorce.

Toddlerteaplease · 04/09/2019 15:33

What a disgusting thing to do. If I found out DH rehomed our cat without telling me I would divorce him, I couldn't live with someone lied because they thought an animal was an inconvenience.

This. What a nasty thing to do. If I thought my cat had run away, I'd never stop looking for them either. You would never ever be forgiven for it.

Lowlandlucky · 04/09/2019 15:34

Maybe your DH needs to rehome you

toffeepinklady · 04/09/2019 15:37

May be seen as 'knee jerk' but in the cold light of day for me, if this occurred hypothetically, I am sure if my DP did this to me, it would at the very least be the beginning of a very difficult time in our relationship. Honestly, I am sure I would consider leaving him, even thinking about it now. Cats are part of the family. You need to discuss this problem with your DH

Katela18 · 04/09/2019 15:45

Hi OP,

I didn't read the full thread as frankly some of the responses are just mind boggling, so apologies if any of this is repeated.

Firstly, as rubbish as the situation is, at least you are trying to find a solution which means the cat doesn't remain unhappy and unwell.

We had a similar situation when I was a child, a cat my parents had before we were born was really unhappy in a house full of (four!) kids, she often retreated to the garden and only came inside if we were out. Eventually my parents took the plunge and rehomed. She was 10+ but was rehomed to an older couple and lived her days out very happily as a lap cat.

The comments about an older cat will be put to sleep in a shelter are just not true, having worked in animal shelters, any reputable shelter does not do this. It is true that older cats can take longer to rehome but they often are, and a lot of the bigger shelters run campaigns on rehoming older cats or long term residents.

Is it at all feasible for the cat to go to someone you know? Thus taking out the issue of the cat having to go to a shelter? If not, is it worth seeing if DP would entertain the idea of just going to speak to a shelter and see how the process works, where the cat would be placed etc, with no pressure on the fact he has to agree to go ahead....

Best of luck!

CassianAndor · 04/09/2019 15:47

Well done for leaving out the context, Jessica.

I think I'll leave you all to carry on frothing.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/09/2019 15:54

There’s no context where lying to your husband and getting rid of their cat who is old sick and miserable, is ok.

FamilyOfAliens · 04/09/2019 16:25

People who want to rehome elderly or unwanted pets do normally get a roasting on MM.

I think what makes this thread particularly abhorrent is the OP’s suggestion of giving the cat to someone else and then lying to her DH about it. That’s a whole other level of callousness.

Cluelessbeetroot · 04/09/2019 17:00

Firstly, if the cat won't come in your house, where your DP who has had it for the last 10 years lives, how on earth do you imagine she will accommodate to a completely new home with new people?
Secondly, if my DP even contemplated what you are planning to do, I would question not only what kind of callous, untrustworthy person he must be, but also the very basis of our relationship.

tweebookworm · 04/09/2019 18:16

@JessicaWakefieldSV rehome does not have to mean shelter. She could ask if people she knows are willing to take on this elderly cat. Friends, family, co-wokers etc

mathanxiety · 04/09/2019 18:18

And the answer will be variations on the theme of No.

Or takers who are friends of friends of friends who will use the poor cat as something to train their fighting dogs with.

tweebookworm · 04/09/2019 18:33

@bodgeitandscarper what if it never settles. I assume the OP has already tried all this with the help of professionals

whattodowith · 04/09/2019 18:36

I understand why you want to do this, sounds as though it may be in the cats best interests since it’s clearly unhappy. You obviously shouldn’t go behind his back though, it’ll obviously infuriate him. He needs to grow up and accept that the current set up isn’t what’s best for the cat.

tweebookworm · 04/09/2019 18:36

@mathanxiety why not? some people might want a cat that will spend most of her day asleep and not have a 18 year commitment