To re-home our cat without telling my husband?

[FiveFarthings]

We have an elderly cat who unfortunately doesn’t have a great quality of life at the moment. I think we should re-home her but my husband is refusing.

For background, she is my husband’s cat (originally a rescue about ten years ago). When we met, he moved into my house and he rented his house to some friends. To avoid disturbing the cat, she stayed at his house and was looked after by our friends. She is about 14/15 years old and practically a house cat.

Five years later, we moved my cat and our young dog into my husband’s house. We also have just had a baby.

The elderly cat has not got on with the change at all and started living outside. We tried everything to get her back inside but nothing worked. The other cat/dog are friendly towards her but she hates them. My husband built her an outdoor kennel which she used initially but now won’t go inside it. She spends her time hiding under the cars in the drive, even when it’s pouring with rain.

It’s now been nearly a year. She needs daily medication for a skin condition which she won’t take and she keeps getting sores.

I really think it would be better for her to be re-homed somewhere where she will be properly looked after but my husband is refusing to even consider it. He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that, I would happily keep her as she’s a nice cat but it’s about what’s best for her. It’s getting to the point where his stubbornness is affecting her quality of life.

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

I can't believe you even have to ask. Who exactly is going to re-home an elderly cat with a skin condition?

I'd ask the vet / behaviourist what they thought and go along with their views. The cat is clearly unhappy so someting has to be done.

Obviously you shouldn't do as you suggested
Yabu

People are just queuing up to adopt old cats with medical conditions over the thousands of young healthy ones available.

Your poor dh. I can't believe you're considering being so deceitful.

It's impossible to rehome an elderly sick cat. I live opposite the Cats Protection League and they are often asked to do this and end up with a cat they have for years.

Well you can't get rehome behind his back. That wouldn't be a good idea. Also not sure who would take it on?

However not sure why you're getting such a beating. The cat is obviously unhappy and you're right to be concerned. That's not you being mean or not giving shit.

Mind you what if anything is your DH doing about situation? An elderly cat cannot be left outside in winter. I'd rather rehome than allow that.

Trying to rehome an elderly cat, a sick one at that, is a sure fire way for it to end up being put to sleep or spending the rest of its days cooped up in a shelter. The poor cat will be struggling with new animals and a baby coming in to its home. The cat has basically been pushed out and you're trying to push it even further.

Your DH needs to make more effort to help the cat though, it's not up to you and you absolutely cannot rehome his pet without telling him! Has he tried felliway? Or asked the vet for any other drugs/drops to help with calmness?

I've forgotten the name but when I had a baby the vet gave me these drops to put in my 14 year old cats food and they worked amazingly. His food bowl was outside to begin with then I started bringing it further and further inside until eventually he was happily back indoors a large majority of the time, it probably took a year all in for him to be back indoors permanently. He had his own space in our spare room that we put a cat flap on the door so he was free to roam the house but could escape to his own space when he needed. He died well loved at home when he was 17.

If my spouse rehomed one of our pets behind my back, it would almost certainly result in divorce.

That said, the cat is clearly very unhappy and something must be done.

Would your H's friends consider taking her back? Would H feel differently if he advertised privately for a new adopter and was able to vet them and their house to ensure it was right for the cat?

If you ask a shelter to take her, she will either be PTS (put to sleep) or she will simply linger there until she dies. I used to volunteer at a cat shelter and in the whole 18 months I was there, I only managed to rehome ONE cat over the age of 12. Most people looking to adopt want a cat who is going to be around for at least 5 years.

(Yes you do get people, god bless them, who specifically rehome older cats with medical needs, but they generally tend to have multiple cats, which it sounds like your particular cat may not get on with.)

If you haven't already, I'd definitely try some of the suggestions of PPs regarding valerian, etc.

You could also try posting in The Litter Tray for more advice about re-integrating her into the family, which surely would be the ideal outcome.

The cat sounds utterly miserable, just sitting under cars, with presumably painful skin sores.

I wouldn’t do anything behind your husband’s back but I do think you’re right. If you’ve tried everything, then keeping her because of a sense of “I must never give up a pet even if life with me makes it miserable” seems cruel. As the weather gets colder it is only going to get worse for the poor thing.

Have you now ditched all of your animals and sent to the rented property, or do you all now live there? If you don’t live there then have the cat come and live with you.

If my boyfriend tried to rehome my cat his stuff would be a bin bag and tossed out the window pretty sharpish.

@jaseyraex
we put a cat flap on the door so he was free to roam the house but could escape to his own space when he needed.

What a brilliant idea! In this case as there are multiple animals in the house it would need to be one of the cat doors that can recognise a microchip and only allow access to one "authorised user".

OP I also meant to ask if you've installed extra litter trays and food/water stations, as it's very common for one cat to "guard" these areas and prevent access to their housemates. I read in The Cat Detective that you should have one extra litter box in the house per cat - ie if you have two cats, you should have 3 boxes, and they need to be in different rooms/areas.

Have you tried Feliway spray? Or Bach Rescue Remedy? These might help calm the cat and de-stress her to be more adaptable to her environment and the baby/dog/other cat. I'd try Feliway first. Don't spray it on her directly. I think it says as much on the directions, but just in case.

And no, I would not re-home without your DH knowing.

You sound horrendous OP

A few months ago we had an issue with one of our rats who had long standing health problems. We took her to the vets as she seemed to be rapidly declining. She was very dehydrated and that led us to think that she might be being prevented from getting to the water bottle by the dominant female in the cage, who liked to sit on a platform close to the bottle.

We put our poorly girl, plus our most elderly girl (who is her mum), into a separate cage, and it made a massive difference. Within 48hrs she was looking so much happier and active, and her hydration was hugely improved. We also moved the cage into the front room so we could keep a close eye on her.

She passed away a few weeks ago (this was inevitable due to her illness - she had pneumonia about a year ago which left her with scarring on her lungs and as she got older she simply didn't have the strength to breathe.) I'm so glad that her last couple of months, she was in a nice peaceful cage with her mum and had all the water and food (and loads of treats!) Also as we had sight of her cage at all times, we noticed when she was approaching her last hours and we were able to just sit and cuddle her until she passed, knowing she was safe and warm and loved.

Her mum has also put on weight since being moved and seems a lot more active (we have another younger rat in with her now who has a lovely sweet nature and they don't argue at all) so we're definitely going to do this in future with any animals who are poorly or elderly.

I get what your saying this poor cat does not seem to be happy at all hiding under cars etc what will she do in winter freeze to death?

Have you looked into foster care for the cat? Maybe hire someone?

And who do you think you will revoke an elderly cat with a skin condition to?

Poor thing. She wants some bloody attention.

Fuck me!!!! People are batshit and

Of course you can't rehome the cat behind dh back but it absolutely sounds like the best thing to do. Cats are solitary animals by nature and whilst many live happily with other cats, your cat doesn't.

I understand your dh's point of view but as you say, it is what's best for the cat.

I think you’re the one your dh would want to rehome if you do this. Bad bad idea!

You can't have thought this through properly. Who would want to take the cat, it involves vet bills from the start with the skin condition, you've already said the cat doesn't like change and that would stress the cat out.

It's also deceitful.

If someone rehomed one of my pets, the relationship would be over. Only do this if you're prepared to lose your husband for good.

I agree. No one is going to want to take on an elderly cat with health problems. Unless you have a family member or friend lined up to take the cat on. How on earth do you propose to do this?

I'm going completely against the thread here, YANBU.

OP you're the only one thinking of the cat in these circumstances. Your DH is not wanting to rehome her because of how HE will feel about it. The elderly cat who is sleeping under cars and in pain from untreated skin sores most definitely isn't who he is thinking about.

Your home is hectic and she is unlikely to adapt, trying to force her to live in this situation is cruel and unnecessary.

It was shitty for you to say you'd get rid of your own cat but not your dog. You do not come off well with that comment. Also, as these animals are settled and getting on well with the child it's an irrelevant point.

I suggest you tell your DH to stop being selfish and to put the cats needs above his own. By all means call different rescues and get on their waiting lists now so by the time your DH comes round to the idea she may have somewhere to go.

When autumn/winter really kick in this is going to get a lot worse for an elderly cat who is already in pain. Don't make her wait that long for help.

It might make rehoming easier if you commited to cover the costs of her skin condition. It is a difficult situation but i do think rehoming, if possible, is the best option.

You can try feliway friends which is designed to help with integration, but it doesn't always work and relies on the cat being indoors.

I cannot believe people are being so vile to the OP. Are people really that bored?