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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
Namechangeyay · 03/09/2019 02:15

(Hopefully my namechange for this has worked)
He might just never tell you. I’m not straight and I’ve never told my parents, it’s just never been something I thought they needed to know, and I still technically live under their roof so it’s not like we don’t see each other.
I think you should wait to see if he says anything, if he doesn’t then he doesn’t, it’s not your place to bring it up.
Also a heads up, it’s never a good idea to tell someone you’ve always known they’re not straight, it has often taken a lot of time to acknowledge that part of themselves and so saying you’ve always known strips that away a bit

littleorangecat22 · 03/09/2019 02:16

How do you know? Do you have evidence that he has/has had a boyfriend, or is this something you just think?

Don't bring it up.

user1471453601 · 03/09/2019 02:18

As the mother of a gay child (albeit she is nearly 50 😊), I would wait until he is ready to tell you
Though I'm perplexed how you could know when he was two years old

MagneticSingularity · 03/09/2019 02:25

Yeah, wait until he tells you if he ever does tell you (it’s none of your business) assuming he actually is gay - doesn’t matter what you think you’ve known since he was two, you could still be wrong. Oh and quit with the patronizing, virtue-signally “I’m totally ok with the gay thing”. Really? What do you want - a parade? Surely, the default in 2019 is not to be a homophobe? It’s not about you and how cool you think you are, it’s about your dc’s right to be who and what they are and not have to explain or justify that to anyone - not even their parents.

Original poster
WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:26

He is 100% gay. I've always known.. just known. I can't really explain it. I've just known. There was a few years around 10 years old I did waver but apart from that, I've been 100% certain. Is that so weird ?

I haven't mentioned it to him. I just wanted to mention it in passing that I knew.. if it made it easier for him. Maybe it won't. Thanks for your opinions.

OP posts:
MonChatEstMagnifique · 03/09/2019 02:29

He probably doesn't think he has to make an announcement as you've always made it known that you're ok with it. I wouldn't ask him, it doesn't matter.

Original poster
WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:30

Magnetic.. ffs I've never been that blatant. Just mentioned it via story lines or stuff in the news.

I just wanted him to know that it doesn't bother me. Stop being an arse

OP posts:
littleorangecat22 · 03/09/2019 02:32

Sorry but you can't 'just know' something like this about a person unless you are that person. And telling him something like this could be damaging -- especially if he isn't gay and/or hasn't accepted or realized it yet.

wouldyouadamandeveit · 03/09/2019 02:33

I don't think there's a reason why you couldn't bring it up to a certain extent in a conversation.

If you're supportive and welcoming then why wouldn't you? It could take the pressure off him if he's feeling uncomfortable in wanting to tell any

wouldyouadamandeveit · 03/09/2019 02:33

*anyone not any.

sanityisamyth · 03/09/2019 02:35

If you suspected he was straight would you ask him? Why is being gay different?

Original poster
WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:36

The kid is gay. I know this 100%.

I think it's very weird if a mum wouldn't know this.

OP posts:
wouldyouadamandeveit · 03/09/2019 02:36

Who says it's different? If the child is feeling uncomfortable, for whatever reason, and you've no issue with it, why not let them
Know you're supportive????

HennyPennyHorror · 03/09/2019 02:38

But his sexuality is none of your business. He doesn't HAVE to share it at all!

wouldyouadamandeveit · 03/09/2019 02:42

That's an assumption. Why wouldn't you want your child to feel they can't tell you without feeling they can't?

Original poster
WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:43

No, he doesn't have to share. Obviously. I'm just not sure if mentioning it is the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Elodie2019 · 03/09/2019 02:43

OP Has your DS got a partner?
it's a bit of a non issue. If he wants to discuss his sexuality with anyone, he will! Not really something I'd bring up with anyone - gay or straight.

Magnetic Hmm

PentreBachCymraeg · 03/09/2019 02:44

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StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/09/2019 02:44

The kid is gay. I know this 100%.

This seems very odd language to use about your own child.

You may ‘100% know’, but perhaps he doesn’t yet. If it’s genuinely not a problem for you, you don’t need to be officially told until he decides to do so.

PentreBachCymraeg · 03/09/2019 02:50

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Original poster
WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:51

Elodie he doesn't have a partner as yet. Thank you for the response. His right to privacy is the reason I've never discussed it with him. Though to be honest I'd never have a full conversation with him.. it would be more like 'if you ever want a BF staying over that's okay with me'.

I guess I could say 'partner' in the same conversation.

We are so open about everything else.. it's weird for me that he wouldn't be open about this. Even though I understand why.

OP posts:
Original poster
WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:54

Still. Good point. From his social media posts I thought that he was certain.. but maybe not.

OP posts:
Original poster
WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:56

Pentre. Wind your nasty neck in.

OP posts:
Derbee · 03/09/2019 03:05

OP, some people really go on the attack with very little reason. I think the main point is that you love your son, and you will be happy with whoever he is.

I do think that IF he ever wants to come out to you, it is not fair to say you’ve always known. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel it strips him of something somehow.

I think when the time/moment feels right, you can always say that you will always love him and always be proud of him etc etc, and your offer of “if you ever want a boyfriend or girlfriend to stay over it’s fine with me” gives him the opportunity to take you up on it if he wants to.

PPs rolling their eyes, or making light of the fact that you support your son being gay seem quite ignorant. It’s not a given, and a lot of people don’t have that kind of support. It is far from guaranteed. You sound like a lovely mum.

Original poster
WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 03:09

Derbee.

Thank you for the constructive feedback. You are right, I shouldn't tell him I've always known. Perhaps that's not helpful for him to know.

Thank you

OP posts:
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