Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
Solihooley · 03/09/2019 08:52

Leave off the op, of course you can tell from a young age sometimes (not always ). I’ve known a fair few kids who I assumed would be gay and I was always right, as were their parents and most people who knew them. It’s not just about stereotyping, you can just tell and I can’t explain how. No advice as such op but my aunt is gay (in her 60s now) and of course at the time it wasn’t discussed openly. She’s lived with her wife for years now and obviously my grandparents knew and accepted her as a daughter in law lovingly, but they never, ever actually discussed it. She always just introduced her girlfriends to them as a ‘friend’ and they all carried on as normal. It can work out this way but I’d hope in this day and age your son can be open with you when he feels ready. I probably wouldn’t say anything for now.

FirstTimeToddlerMum · 03/09/2019 08:57

It's lovely you want to make it easier for him but if he is he'll do things his own way or he might just not feel the need to make it a thing with an official coming out.

I think something a bit more subtle like "you do know you can talk to me about anything?" Is , well , just a nice thing to say to your children in general.

You don't want to straight up ask him as you don't know for certain (you certainly haven't known since he was 2 Grin) and it would just be a bit odd for you to seem over invested in his sex life.

Moomin8 · 03/09/2019 08:57

Op, I think that the reason you've received some of the responses you've had is that you've started a thread about your son being gay which kind of looks like it actually is a big deal to you.

Why do you feel the need to put your son in a category?

Why does it matter to you who he's attracted to or who he sleeps with?

If this has been on your mind since he was 2 it's not surprising that some people will feel that you're maybe fixating on it too much.

I've certainly never discussed my sexuality with my parents (and I'm straight).

Isn't the main thing that you have a good relationship?

GrannySquares · 03/09/2019 08:58

How can you tell if a 2 year old is gay? Please can you elaborate on that? And no, I wouldn't mention anything to him!

Proseccoinamug · 03/09/2019 08:59

I’m gay and I didn’t get a good reaction when I came out to my parents in my teens.

My first reaction was ask him and be supportive. But then when I thought about it, I don’t think I would have wanted to be asked if I was gay by a parent. It feels intrusive and I’d let him share with you when he feels he wants to.

Keep doing what you’re doing and letting him know that you’re not homophobic. Which I’m sure you do with all dc.

And ignore the posters who want to pick holes and put the boot in.

FishCanFly · 03/09/2019 09:00

How do you know a 2yo is gay? How very bizarre Confused

Proseccoinamug · 03/09/2019 09:01

It’s not just about having a partner and it’s not about his sex life. It’s about his identity.

Carthage · 03/09/2019 09:01

It's such a shame in this day and age that people still have to 'come out'. I agree with a pp, can't people just bring someone home of either gender when the time comes. I'd have hated to have to come out as straight to my parents. How embarrassing!

I know you mean to be kind and inclusive OP but I'd say chill out and let him be.

Moomin8 · 03/09/2019 09:04

It's such a shame in this day and age that people still have to 'come out'.

I agree. Sexuality is not always a cut and dried thing anyway.

Cheeseandwin5 · 03/09/2019 09:06

He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

That is a really crazy comment and it makes me wonder if there is an agenda here.

My view is not to ask- if he isnt ready to tell you (assuming you are correct) than why are you trying to push the issue.
Just prove to him that you are an accepting and loving parent, so when he is at that stage, he wont be worried about sharing with you.

Butchyrestingface · 03/09/2019 09:07

How do you know a 2yo is gay? How very bizarre confused

Surely I cannot have been the only small child who had crushes on film stars? Confused

Obviously not that I wanted to have sex with them, but there were actors (always male, never female) that I thought were very, very, very handsome and wanted to watch and rewatch their films.

And they had a particular look. Which is also the type I am still attracted to now.

Obviously the above does not mean a child will turn out gay or straight, but the fact that I was smitten with only handsome male actors at age 3 might give a hint as to the direction of travel.

Bibidy · 03/09/2019 09:12

God what is wrong with people on here????

OP I would just leave it until he tells you, there's no harm in that.

CrispMornings · 03/09/2019 09:12

Hmm dd was a feminine blonde small child who liked pink and dolls and pretty things. She also liked trains and pokemon and abhorred sport. She told me she was when she was 12. Sometimes you can tell, sometimes you can't I guess.

Oh, she's 21 and is still feminine and likes pretty things. Never had a boyfriend or girlfriend but is 100% gay.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/09/2019 09:13

No. Don't ask. You could do more harm than good and you don't know that this isn't something he has yet to come to terms with himself.

You're doing exactly the right thing in letting him know you're supportive. In your position, I'd continue doing exactly that.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2019 09:15

I just wanted him to know that it doesn't bother me.

Surly he knows this if you've "always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing." ?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/09/2019 09:16

Teacher 22
I know the start of term is stressful can I respectfully suggest you stop talking utter bollocks and offer support advice or opinion

woodchuck99 · 03/09/2019 09:19

I agree that sometimes you can tell at a young age and sometimes you can't. My DD is very feminine and liked pink, dolls etc when she was younger. I still had an idea that she might be gay from when she was about 8 though. I'm not sure what made me think that but as a parent I think that sometimes you pick up subtle signs so I don't think it that bizarre that OP knew when her ds was very young.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/09/2019 09:20

I do find it a bit sad those that don’t tell their parents as if it’s none of their business. As a parent I’d want my child to share an important significant aspect of their lives
OP your some may well be gay but he could be a bit David williams who is 100% mincey liked dresses a kid but is heterosexual ( as far as we know) sexuality is a spectrum, I’m gay but don’t “ look“ or “act”. Gay

EvilEdna1 · 03/09/2019 09:20

My DH's mum asked him if he was gay in a supermarket when he was 19. He still mentions it as s low point in his relationship with her....so I wouldn't.

Butchyrestingface · 03/09/2019 09:21

Surly he knows this if you've "always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing." ?

People often say espouse certain ideals but then when it comes to the bit, directly affects them etc, well, it’s a whole different kettle of fish.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 03/09/2019 09:21

since he was 2 years old

I've always known.. just known. I can't really explain it. I've just known. There was a few years around 10 years old I did waver but apart from that, I've been 100% certain.

Mother's instinct aside, all you can have really done is observe effeminate and feminine behaviours. That doesn't make a child gay. We HAVE to STOP with the gender stereotyping of children, it's so very unfair and damaging.

A couple of gay men I know, that I suspected were gay long before they came out, just didn't know, themselves, when we all thought we did. And I've a few male friends who are a bit camp or feminine who are straight, that's the way of the world. By all means use neutral language "have a partner to stay over" but please don't tell him you know and have known a long time.

Walkaround · 03/09/2019 09:21

Not sure why you would need to ask if it doesn't bother you, tbh - isn't that just nosiness? If he ever feels the need to talk about his sexuality, it sounds like your relationship with him is open enough for him to feel happy to do that. Otherwise, it's none of your business. Not everyone wants or needs to discuss their love life with their parents (I certainly didn't)!

Lsquiggles · 03/09/2019 09:26

If you already know, why do you need him to tell you?

IdblowJonSnow · 03/09/2019 09:26

No, I wouldn't ask him, just leave him be.

janetheimpaler · 03/09/2019 09:33

My youngest daughter told me when she was 4 that "she was a boy trapped in a girl's body". She went on to be the "king" boy in her class in primary school. She would say "I could take all of them (the boys)" and she was taller than most of them and trashed them at soccer. She refused to wear dresses and when she was about ten and I was trying to empower her as a girl, she would say "rubbish, boys are obviously better". I think I always knew that she was straight. I do think that as his mother, your instincts are and were correct. We mostly know our children. Being gay isn't just about who you are sexually attracted to, it is a way of being, part of your essence. Why is it strange that a perceptive parent would see it at any age?