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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 05/09/2019 07:34

You only "wouldn't be surprised" if they were

Yep

TheLittleDogLaughed · 05/09/2019 07:40

jellyrunner yes. If OP decided her son was gay at age 2 she may well have treated him differently - been more protective for instance. Even maybe mentioned it to someone he’s there or kept telling him it’s fine to be gay. We have enormous power and influence over our kids by the way we behave.

My older brother is gay - he came out in his 20s. None of us suspected it, we just thought he was very shy about relationships. And we’re super close as a family.

Age 2. What does a child do at 2 to show they are gay???

Newbie1981 · 05/09/2019 07:40

@MagneticSingularity is a prick

Newbie1981 · 05/09/2019 07:42

Of course the OP can just know. Wow can't believe some of you are so shocked that she is in tune with the person she gave birth to. Feel bad for some of your kids! And OP, as much as some people are saying it's non of your business, I totally understand you are trying to prevent him having to tell you if he's struggling to, you sound like you want to make it easier for him and that is a very decent thing to do. Ignore the witches on here!!

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 05/09/2019 07:44

jelly

I got told a number of times (only by two people) that if i normalised ‘gayness’ that i was encouraging my child to be gay

I think that if talking about your childs sexuality influenced their sexuality i doubt there would be any gay people

SimonJT · 05/09/2019 08:05

@Jellyrunner My family think after rugby showers made me gay. You would be amazed by the stupidity of some people.

OneHamm3r · 05/09/2019 08:08

I’d be telling my dc a( and did)that it’s fine to be gay regardless. Who wouldn’t?

Brixtongal · 05/09/2019 09:15

My daughter came out by asking if her girlfriend could stay over. She has since said she knew it would be okay because we'd always been so 'right-on' and liberal as parents and had always talked openly about sexuality etc. she didn't feel the need of a big declaration. OP, I would just wait for your son to talk about it. I suspect he knows you know anyway as you sound a lovely supportive Mum. Also I had an inkling for a long time with my daughter, maybe it's just a mothers instinct. A close friend (who has two gay children) also said she knew her kids were gay from a young age. Ignore the haters on this thread, sounds like you'll do the right thing

woodchuck99 · 05/09/2019 09:32

It's interesting that on the whole those of us with children who are gay say that we knew or suspected this when they were very young and believe OP probably knew too. Those who think OP couldn't possibly know and are being quite nasty about it don't seem to have any experience.

MoreThanImFeeling · 05/09/2019 10:23

My son always had a tendency towards spending more time with girls, he liked to dress up in girls clothing, he liked to experiment with make up, he struggled to connect with rough and tumble boys. He told me he was gay at 13 years old - but I have known parents to say their sons behaved like this too and just grew out of it and are straight - so is it knowing or just lazy stereotyping?

threatmatrix · 05/09/2019 10:25

My son is gay, I knew he was gay and he knew I knew, there was no coming out as such as it was just normal to us. No talks, no comments just a normal family life.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 05/09/2019 10:26

We said that it wouldn’t have surprised us if my eldest was gay

It was purely down to sex stereotypes though...

woodchuck99 · 05/09/2019 10:34

so is it knowing or just lazy stereotyping?

It could be lazy stereotyping if they fit into the stereotype. DD doesn't though but I still had a strong suspicion. Not sure what it was exactly but as I knew I don't think it bizarre that some else might know.

OhMsBeliever · 05/09/2019 10:43

I didn't have clue my son was gay, until I caught him watching gay porn at 15.

I was more worried about him watching porn so we had a chat about that first before I asked him if he was gay.

But before then, not a clue!

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 05/09/2019 10:58

Ds has been told by some of his gay friends that he is the straightest gay man they know

Ohflippineck · 05/09/2019 11:00

His business. He’ll tell you when/if he feels the need.
Why do you need to “know”?

TheSandman · 05/09/2019 11:12

DD1 is gay - I knew when she was about 7ish - she came out to me when she was 12. Our first Pride march the next summer was wonderful. She was so at home. She was out at school and proudly so.

I would let him tell you in his own time, if he feels the need. It's his life. He may not feel the need. If you knew he was gay from very early on maybe he knows you know and doesn't feel the need . Did you feel the need to tell your parents you were heterosexual? (If you are.)

Not all of us are Quentin Crisp.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 05/09/2019 11:24

A friend texted me to let me know that my child was telling people at school that he was gay

thank goodness he had already told me

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 05/09/2019 11:25

He came out as bi at first to be honest,

Andpopwenttheweasle · 05/09/2019 13:25

I think of it this way, if a child is straight they don't have to tell their parents so why would a child who is gay or any other sexual orientation?
I've always wondered why people feel that gay people need to 'come out' when others don't need to announce their sexuality publically!

emmakc1977 · 05/09/2019 13:34

My son came "officially" out at the beginning of the summer holidays - he's 16. I've known since he was 3 or 4, and yes, I just knew. For people that say you can't tell, I did. It's amazing how many people have said since he came out that they had guessed. He's not camp at all, he's just kind of gentler. He also has a wicked dry sense of humour that borders on bitchy.

Since he was very young I've done my best to ensure that he knew that love is love in whatever form it comes. He had some issues when he was 13 (won't go into that) and broke down and told me he might be gay but wasn't sure. I just hugged him and said we'd love him gay straight or a circle. In the past few years I've occassionally thrown in the odd have you made your mind up yet comment lol.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a chat about it to your son, why wouldn't you? He's lucky that he has a supportive family as even though somone above said that not being homophoic is the default position in society today, sadly that isn't always true. I have a cousin that's gay and whilst his family have always been supportive I've met friends of his where that wasn't the case.

Now I'm looking forward to really embarrassing my son by wearing fancy dress with him to Pride!!! I did ask if I could have a coming out cake and party but for some reason he wouldn't let me lol

TheLittleDogLaughed · 05/09/2019 15:10

To say you know is denying your child their autonomy. As well as stereotyping their behaviour with your perception of what being gay is, as emmakc1977 has just neatly done with descriptions of “gentler” and “bitchy.” Unbelievable.

woodchuck99 · 05/09/2019 15:27

To say you know is denying your child their autonomy. As well as stereotyping their behaviour with your perception of what being gay is, as emmakc1977 has just neatly done with descriptions of “gentler” and “bitchy.” Unbelievable.

You comment above that "How can you be sure you’re not treating them differently as a result and actually influencing their sexual preference?" is more unbelievable.

emmakc1977 · 05/09/2019 16:42

TheLittleDogLaughed what do you mean by your comment that I have denied my child his autonomy - explain please.

I disagree that I have stereotyped his behaviour - he's one of the kindest, gentlest, sweetest souls that I've had the pleasure of knowing - I didn't realise that was stereotypical of being gay?

As for my saying he has a bitchy sense of humour - he does, as stated above, he's really funny and has a dry sense of humour. He wasn't bitchy as a bloody four year old though fgs so reign it in keyboard warrier.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 05/09/2019 17:09

woodchuck99 so you are not aware about how we all as parents condition our children in certain ways, even if we're not aware we're doing it?

emmakc1977 you need to read more carefully. I didn't say you were conditioning your child I said you used stereotyped ideas of what gay means to work out that your child was gay. I'm sure lots of boys have those characteristics and are not gay. And lots of gay people, like my brother, have never had any of those stereotyped 'gay' characteristics.