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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
alislim · 03/09/2019 06:36

My brother hid being gay for a long time. I knew he was because a friend of a friend told me and when you put the dots together it all made sense.
I felt too awkward to ask him. Felt it wasn't my place to ask and I might upset him more.
I spoke to a gay friend about this who also took years to come out, even got engaged to a female. He told me I should have asked him. He would have felt such relief if his family would have just asked him x

Impatienceismyvirtue · 03/09/2019 06:42

I do mean this in a constructive way - I think there’s something in your tone that’s turning people a bit nasty. It’s like you’re asking “AIBU to ask my son whether he’s gay” but it’s coming across more like “I’m going to TELL my son he’s gay”. You’re so sure and so... almost, aggressive? with it that I don’t think you’re coming across the way you really mean.

But you can tell you obviously really care for him and you just want to do the right thing; it’s just your wording throwing some people off.

I agree with others that he’ll tell you (or not) in his own time, and it’s probably best not to tell him you’ve known since he was two. Might take a bit of the wind out of his sails and/or make him feel a bit stupid that he perhaps thought he was hiding it and you just saw right through it.

coatlessinspokane · 03/09/2019 06:51

The whole “I’ve always been ok with the gay thing” is one which gets right on my nerves.

The OP needs to write that in her OP else people will accuse her of not being okay with it. Why are posters so mean sometimes?

OP, just tell him you know in a casual way. I think you need to let him know you know, to take off any pressure he might be feeling and also to let him know that it’s no big deal.

AgentJohnson · 03/09/2019 06:51

If you knows 100% he is gay Hmm, why does he need to tell you?

His sexuality is his business, not yours. You seem to be taking offence that he hasn’t told you.

A very good friend regularly laments that because he’s not straight, his sexuality appears to be public property and subject to debate. He’s envious of my never having to broadcast —come out—, justify, debate, celebrate my sexuality.

If he is gay, I suspect that he knows you well enough to worry that you will want to discuss it and he doesn’t want to.

Respect his privacy and butt out.

fluffypidgeon · 03/09/2019 06:52

(As an LGBG woman myself) 100% wait until he brings it up with you... It can be very difficult to come to terms with even if everyone in the family is so supportive and he knows everyone would be 'okay' with it, and if you broach the topic before he's ready, he may well just deny it and it won't necessarily help him. If you really want to show him your support, you could always watch films/TV shows with LGBT characters with him and make it clear you support it! Or you could offer to go to a Pride parade with him... Something like that. It may also be that he doesn't feel he needs to 'come out' as such, and will just bring a boyfriend home one day. Either way, definitely don't bring it up yourself, wait for him to, and the best thing you can do is just make it obvious you're supportive without pushing him 'out of the closet'! But thank you for being so understanding and supportive of him - whether he shows it or not he will really appreciate that ☺️

Myriade · 03/09/2019 06:52

Let’s imagine that instead if gay, you were convinced he is into BDSM. Would you ask him or would you think his sex life is his issue ans ha nothing to do with you?

Just leave him. At 17yo, a lot of people are not sexually actively. He might well still be trying to suss out what is and isn’t working for him. He doesn’t need to tell you and you telling him you know about his sex life isn’t going to help.
Just think. How confortable would you have been at 17yo to talk about your sex life with your mum?

Vanhi · 03/09/2019 06:52

We are so open about everything else.. it's weird for me that he wouldn't be open about this. Even though I understand why.

It may not be anything to do with his sexuality, whatever that is. I'm open with my mum about a lot of things but not my sexuality because it's sex and I do not talk to my mum about sex. As far as my parents are concerned people do not have sex ever and I know that's weird because they're my parents and I have a sibling so they must have done it at least twice. But come on. Who really wants to discuss this stuff with their parents, whatever their sexuality?

HulksPurplePanties · 03/09/2019 06:57

If you can be 100% sure that he was gay at the age of 2 then you must know him well enough to know if he's the type of person who wouldn't mind being asked the question, or if he's the type of person who does things in their own time.

BeanBag7 · 03/09/2019 07:01

If you're 100% sure there's no need to ask.

What if he says no, he's not gay? Would you believe him.

Also I find it hard to believe you could deduce the future sexuality of a 2 year old. What made you think your 2 year old was gay?

obligations · 03/09/2019 07:01

I think 100% gay sounds weird, as does asserting that he doesn't have a partner - how can you possibly know how sexually active he is/has been? If you're comfortable with him having a sexual partner stay over, just tell him you're happy for him to have a girlfriend or boyfriend stay the night (someone else said something similar upthread). Tbh, most people I know in their late teens would be more fluid in their language about sexuality rather than talk in terms of percentages and as others have said a single moment of 'coming out' is less common. Just be open in all your conversation about sexuality and don't press him to disclose anything to you.

AmIThough · 03/09/2019 07:03

I think if you're that close and that certain that he's gay, there's no need to ask him.

Maybe he thinks you already know and so he doesn't need to say anything.
Maybe he isn't sure himself.
Maybe he's actually straight.

Just give him time. When/if he tells you, don't say "I've always known", just give him a cuddle.

Also consider that he might actually come home with a girlfriend one day...

HeronLanyon · 03/09/2019 07:03

I’d lean towards not asking him anything. You’ve done the right thing by having an inclusive upbringing for him. If I were you I’d back off the overt ‘it’s ok to be gay’ a bit - just be non discriminatory in everything rather than overtly saying things etc. Let him disclose what he wants when he wants. Sounds as though he’ll know he can talk to you openly whenever he feels it’s right.

sonjadog · 03/09/2019 07:06

I wouldn't say anything now and let me take the lead on this one. At some point he will have a partner that he'd like to bring home. At that point, it will become clear.

TheStuffedPenguin · 03/09/2019 07:07

But his sexuality is none of your business. He doesn't HAVE to share it at all!

Some of you obviously have very odd detached family lives.

Northernsoullover · 03/09/2019 07:07

I've 'known' my friends son was gay since he was 4. I never mentioned it but they did to me around the same time. Also another friend was telling me that he worked up to coming out only for his family to smile and say did you think we didn't know?
I don't think people admit this in RL often because they are worried about being accused of stereotyping.

Saddler · 03/09/2019 07:18

Since he was 2? 😂😂😂😂

CorBlimeyGovenor · 03/09/2019 07:20

There's some horrible posts on this thread. Why the need to be so mean!

zzzzzzzx · 03/09/2019 07:22

My 17 year old daughter went to school with a lad in primary. At age 5 it was obvious to outsiders he was gay (or atleast it seemed very likely) and I'm assuming that his mum knew felt she knew something earlier. I don't think the concept is so weird.

Gamorasgran · 03/09/2019 07:23

Stuffed penguin really? I am close to my mum but we don't talk about sex and never have. Same with my DBro. We tell when there is something important to say like a new partner.

Don't think that's odd myself.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/09/2019 07:28

OP...I had no idea my son was gay until he came to me to tell me.My advice would be to take your lead from your Son.Step back until he tells you.

QueenofmyPrinces · 03/09/2019 07:28

How on earth do you get a gay two year old?!

Serious question?!

I have a 2 year old and can’t even comprehend how I would tell if he was gay at this age Grin

milliefiori · 03/09/2019 07:29

OP I don't think you need to say anything. If he knows you are comfortable with it, why would he need to 'come out' to you or you come out as 'knowing' to him?

In an ideal world, we are so comfortable with other people's healthy, attraction to other people that it's not an issue. You wouldn't need to say, I know you're hetero and it's fine by me' so why need to say 'I know you're gay'?

The fact that you are so genuinely comfortable with it probably makes it a non-issue in his eyes. You could ask if he is interested in anyone or in a relationship. That's fair dibs because we do need to make sure they practise safe sex and have some resilience and respect regarding relationship behaviour. But whether he's gay or straight is neither here nor there.

TheStuffedPenguin · 03/09/2019 07:31

gamorasgan semantics here I think... I didn't mean you talk the "act of sex" with your family .

milliefiori · 03/09/2019 07:33

How on earth do you get a gay two year old?!

I have no idea. My DS aged 2 liked fairy princess dresses and fairy princess magazines and painted toenails. I let him have all of them. Church friends disapproved in case I was letting him turn gay. As it happens, he is gay. But none of these made me even wonder. He laughs at me now that I didn't see these as obvious signifiers. (He also watched On The Town on a loop aged three - how did I not know Grin?) But I know so many boys who dress up in dresses and lipstick and jewels aged two and are straight. At that age these things are just as exciting and different as dressing like superman or Harry Potter.

milliefiori · 03/09/2019 07:34

Sorry, 'letting him turn gay' should have been in quote marks, as these are very much their nonsensical beliefs - not mine.

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