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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
Blue7 · 03/09/2019 08:21

PlaisibleSuit, I wish there had been replies like yours. I can't believe some of the other comments. I haven't seen so many nasty comments for a while.

The OP just seems to care for her Son and wants to be there for him but I find your opinion really helpful.

nettie434 · 03/09/2019 08:21

If you mention it, do you think he will feel that it’s a roundabout way of asking ‘why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?’ and feel a bit under pressure? Perhaps he is not gay - he might define himself as non binary or another identity other than heterosexual. That would make it really hard if you spoke to him as if you were totally assuming he was gay.

I agree with other posters - leave him to bring it up if/when he feels ready

AlexaShutUp · 03/09/2019 08:23

If he doesn't yet have a partner that he wishes to introduce, what is there to ask or tell? I don't see the need for a big announcement.

I never told my mum and dad that I was heterosexual.

JudasHisCarrot · 03/09/2019 08:25

Some of the earliest posts have been vile. This is why some people are fearful of posting for advice and support.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3679064-To-say-that-AIBU-is-not-a-green-light-to-say-what-you-want-and-is-giving-out-the-message-that-MN-is-no-longer-a-place-to-come-for-support

OP - Don't have any constructive advice for you unfortunately! Flowers

JudasHisCarrot · 03/09/2019 08:27

Don't know where the 'earliest' came from! Hmm

tinkering · 03/09/2019 08:27

I’m gay. I’ve never felt the need to bring it up to my family - not that I don’t want to but I hate the fuss of coming out and I’ve never had a relationship so the topic hasn’t ever risen. But if my mother came to me and said, ‘I know you’re gay’ - I would actually feel quite upset. Supported? Oh yes, but I would feel as if I had been forced out of the closet before I was ready - and also wondering how the hell she would know considering I’ve never brought anyone home. It would make me worry.

Also, you wouldn’t have known he was gay at two. He was two years of age - he wouldn’t have known either! It sounds to me as if your son is or was ‘effeminate’ at that age, liked dressing up or pink or cleaning/dolls and whatever other stereotypes people like to throw about wrt young boys. If that’s true then no I definitely wouldn’t bring it up because that isn’t a marker of being gay 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bacciferous · 03/09/2019 08:29

I think at 17 he might be working things out for himself. I'd say it's a bit early to be putting him on the spot. My mum asked me when I was 21/22. I knew that it would be ok because of the way I had been raised. Even so, it was a relief tbh. One of my friends has never told his parents and he's nearly 50. I think if I were in your shoes though I would just let him come to me. Anyway, whatever you decide, sod all the mean people of this thread.

Turniptracker · 03/09/2019 08:30

No don't say anything to him. That would be so awkward for him

Chloemol · 03/09/2019 08:31

Leave him alone, mothers don’t ‘just know’ and you maybe wrong. You say you are an open family, so if he wants you to know he will tell you. He hasn’t so he does t want to talk about his sexuality. It’s not your business until he does whatever you think you may know

duffyluth · 03/09/2019 08:34
  1. That's the year we are in. 2019.

Why does he have to tell anyone anything?

The 'coming out' expectation is hideous.

HeadintheiClouds · 03/09/2019 08:34

It’s none of your business, really. You seem very invested in him being gay, it sounds quite odd. You’ve known since he was two??

StCharlotte · 03/09/2019 08:35

Naturally it's great that you're okay with it but perhaps he hasn't reached that point himself.

I was chatting to a gay family member recently who struggled badly to tell his best friend. He didn't tell his family until then because he didn't want his very liberal - and rather vocal - mother to come out with something before he'd had a chance.

Please don't bring it up with him. This is his story to tell, not yours.

NellieEllie · 03/09/2019 08:36

i think it’s a difficult one. And some of the comments here are rather unpleasant. I imagine your take is that your son may be deliberating or anxious about “coming out” to you, so you are wondering if mentioning it would just relieve that? Whatever people say about not asking DCs if they’re heterosexual, so why ask a gay kid, heterosexual IS still perceived as a default. Being gay can STILL mean being mocked/harassed etc, so a caring parent would want to show support.

I think it depends a lot on your relationship with him. If you are close and chat a lot, maybe bringing it up could be natural particularly if you talk generally about relationships, friendship groups etc? On the other hand, it could seem to your son the cringiest thing imaginable talking to his DM about sexual preference. A judgement call for you really. I think maybe I’d just be clear when subject arises that you are supportive of gay rights etc (my DD has recently told me she is gay, we have gay friends, have talked re bullying and why some kids are picked on, so I think she was aware it was a non issue for us) and let him make the decision if he wants to talk about it?.....

ChocolateTeapot1975 · 03/09/2019 08:37

I’m a female and had intense crushes on boys from age 4.

I knew my daughter was gay from age 3. As the OP says, sometimes a parent just knows.

raspberryk · 03/09/2019 08:40

By 17 isn't it a bit odd that there's been no girlf/boyf previously?
Have you had chats about safe sex and bringing partners home at all? Also about alcohol and drugs? Maybe a convo about all these things into one?
I would say something along the line of, I hope this goes without saying, but just wanted to mention that now you're 17 I would like to let you know that you can bring any partners home and if you need some privacy at any time let me know. I will let you know what time I'll be out and home etc if you extend that courtesy to me. And if there's anything you need to talk about or help with/money for condoms etc then let me know.
I lived with my dad and step mum, they always maintained they would rather know I was at home having safe sex rather than be in denial about what teens get up to and out God knows where.

JingsMahBucket · 03/09/2019 08:43

@WWlOOlWW My best friend’s mother knew he was gay since he was 6 years old. If you’re perceptive, then you know. There’s nothing wrong with “knowing” your kid is gay.

These responses are so culturally (country-wise) different than where I’m from. The responses here are really British in terms of “not making a fuss”, “embarrassment”, “none of your business”, etc.

On the other hand, for us it is about changing the conversation to support not discovery / uncovering / hiding of a truth. I think that may be the main factor. In the UK it may still be seen as the uncovering of a very private truth. Back in my area we take it as way to softly support someone whether that’s by dropping hints, leaving certain types of media around so they find it, including characters from media into conversations to normalize LGTBQIA lives, etc. Changing questions to be gender neutral is also a method. “Are you going with anyone to the dance?” versus “Have you asked a girl/boy yet?”

@WWlOOlWW if you know your son well enough, he may not mind you bringing it up softly.

TheGoogleMum · 03/09/2019 08:43

I too am curious how you can know a 2 year old is gay :s I've seen my nephew choosing to wear a dress before (he's 3) but I don't assume anything based on this, he's too young to have a preference. I also think you cant know 100%... but it's lovely you want to be fully supportive if he needs it

OneHamm3r · 03/09/2019 08:44

My gay son came out at 13 so asking wasn’t an issue for us.

If it was me I’d ask in a round about way and let him know you are there to support. Gay teens often have a really shit time- bullying, self loathing, worries. I’d have hated my ds to go through it all alone without us to discuss and support it with.

I’d ignore the rather nasty posts on here. It’s your son you sound like a lovely mum.

Abstractedobstructed · 03/09/2019 08:45

Raspberry k
Not odd at all at 17.
None of mine have had boy or girl friends at that age. They are just late starters; a bit inhibited and shy.

ButDoYouAvocado · 03/09/2019 08:48

My daughter never told me, she just assumed I knew (I didn't 🤣)

As long as she's happy I don't care who she fancies etc. That's probably why it wasn't a big deal. No need to 'come out'. Maybe you're the same? If so I think that's nice.

ButDoYouAvocado · 03/09/2019 08:48

Oh, but don't ask him, who cares? Leave him to it.

JaceLancs · 03/09/2019 08:50

DS is gay and talked to me about it quite a few years ago - I totally agree that saying you always knew or had known for a long time is not advisable - just wait, be prepared to listen and continue to be accepting
If you talk to him about having people stopping over, contraception, how to meet a partner etc always keep it gender neutral
I disagree that ‘coming out’ is no longer a thing
DS extended the range of people he told over s period of time as he became more confident and comfortable with it himself
Elderly grandparents were the last to be told, which is now a family joke as DM has Alzheimer’s and forgets, DS ‘comes out’ to her on average once a fortnight! When she forgets and asks him if he’s met any ‘nice young ladies’ yet

4TeensAndABaby · 03/09/2019 08:51

I think it's very weird if a mum wouldn't know this.

As the mother of 4 teenage girls, 3 of which have come out as gay - I genuinely had no idea. We all have a great relationship which meant they knew they could tell me when they felt comfortable enough to do so.
Personally I'd wait until he's ready to tell you. He may assume you know already though?
Just try not to make a big deal about the 'being ok with gay' thing. It could have an adverse affect!

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2019 08:51

Op he's not telling you for a reason. And I suspect it's something to do with your atttitude. You cannot know a two year old is gay. Their sexuality has not developed. You must logically know this.

Whatever is going on in your head, keep it there.

justilou1 · 03/09/2019 08:51

My son is 13 and has a twin sister and a big sister. At 2 he wanted nail polish because the girls were having their nails done, and my husband and his mate made comments about me being abusive and possibly turning him “gay”. I pointed out that at two, all he could see was fun colours and that it would be more abusive to say no on the basis of gender - and he had chosen black, grey and fluoro green. At ten he came to me concerned about a buddy of his who had come out to him, who had very fundamentalist Christian parents saying “I told him that I’m not gay and neither are you two, but our place would always be safe if he needs it. Was that okay?” I think things are mostly different now. (Thank goodness!!!)