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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
Bobbi73 · 05/09/2019 17:14

I think perhaps don't mention it. It's a bit of a non issue if you're fine with it. I wouldn't expect either of mine to actually announce being gay or straight. They know our views and if they feel like discussing it, they can.

woodchuck99 · 05/09/2019 17:29

woodchuck99 so you are not aware about how we all as parents condition our children in certain ways, even if we're not aware we're doing it?

No, I am not aware that "we condition" our children and influence their sexual preference.Hmm That is ridiculous.

Blue7 · 05/09/2019 17:35

*he's thankful that there was never a moment when he had to break the news to his family that he was gay. 'I've always been camp,' he says. 'I was about six when I knew I was different.

I started liking male newsreaders and I'd always hang out with my mum shopping while my brother went to football matches.*

This is from an interview with Alan Carr.

Blue7 · 05/09/2019 17:36

Most gay celebrities are camp.

Jellyrunner · 05/09/2019 17:54

@TheLittleDogLaughed
We may influence how our children feel about their sexuality, we may influence whether they are happy within themselves, we may influence whether they decide to come out or decide not to, but we do not influence their sexual preference. That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a while ( save for parliament these days) you are what you are, people’s sexual orientation is not nurtured.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 05/09/2019 18:33

Jellyrunner what does being gay mean to you? Is it about sexual preference? If it isn't, then what is it about? Do you think that most 17-year-olds even, let alone two-year-olds are 100% certain about their sexual orientation? Not in my experience with teenagers they don't. So a mother continually reinforcing her son's 'gayness' is not really allowing him the chance to work it out for himself and is therefore, even if it's unknowing, influencing his decisions. Have you read any psychology? What parents say, what they show, has enormous power over their children.

No, I am not aware that "we condition" our children and influence their sexual preference.hmm That is ridiculous. as this bears very little resemblance to what I said, I'm loathe to try to explain it ... but I actually said IF you decide your child is 'gay' when he's two then you may be in danger of influencing them, even if you don't mean to. As in parents of girls doing 'girly' things, parents of boys encouraging them not to do 'girly' things. Not everybody buys into this but some do and someone who claims to KNOW that their child is gay when they are two years old would ring alarm bells to me. When we know things about our children we do adapt the way we behave. You can pretend that doesn't happen but I think if you read any basic psychology book you will realise that it does.

woodchuck99 · 05/09/2019 20:38

as this bears very little resemblance to what I said, I'm loathe to try to explain it ... but I actually said IF you decide your child is 'gay' when he's two then you may be in danger of influencing them, even if you don't mean to.

Not sure how you can claim that my comment "bear little resemblence to what you said . You words were "How can you be sure you’re not treating them differently as a result and actually influencing their sexual preference?" Stop trying to twist it to state that you were just suggesting influencing them to do girly things. That isn't what you said at all.

TheSandman · 06/09/2019 10:43

As an aside may I thoroughly recommend.

This Book is Gay by Juno Dawson - a practical, 'answering questions you didn't know you had' book for teens written by a former teacher which DD#1 found reassuring and informative - and from which I (middle-aged male) learned stuff too. (We borrowed from the library then bought a copy.)

It's a useful, helpful, well-written and unpatronising book which is blunt and honest and funny It's a good reference point for building bridges of understanding between generations.

Ohflippineck · 06/09/2019 10:51

I’m surprised that some people still seem to be inferring that their child being gay is somehow problematic.
Grandparents, yes, they’re from a different place and time. But parents?

TheLittleDogLaughed · 06/09/2019 11:21

woodchuck99 so you're bothered with the inference that being gay is a sexual preference or what? I'm saying that if you decide that you KNOW something about your child as a young adult when they are TWO, you might be in danger of influencing their choices by the way you treat them. That might be their sexual orientation, their career choice, their self-esteem etc. I'm not saying that your influence will exert itself for the rest of the child's life because most children grow up to rebel against any over-bearing parental expectations and find their own way.

Ohflippineck to me there is no problem with any kind of orientation when someone is ready. I object to a child being labelled as gay or not gay or any kind of sexual orientation when they are TWO! At the very very earliest you could get an indication during puberty but even then kids can be very complex. My daughter was at a single sex school for a few years during puberty and lots of the girls there came out as lesbians with quite a few also experimenting with their gender; my daughter included. Some stayed with that and took things further, others changed again when the circumstances changed. I think it's all a lot more fluid and so it should be. My daughter has had a girlfriend and two boyfriends and is quite happy to be unlabelled.

woodchuck99 · 06/09/2019 21:33

so you're bothered with the inference that being gay is a sexual preference or what?

I'm bothered by the inference that parents influence their children's sexual orientation. It's ridiculous to state that because they may influence things like career choice that they can also influence sexual preference. It's not something people choose.

josbd · 06/09/2019 21:58

Yes, you DO sound like a lovely mum, as Derbee says. Ignore nippy comments.

Reba0706 · 15/09/2019 12:15

Maybe he doesn't feel he needs to because he knows you know.
I wonder if one day we will live in a less hetero-normative society where gay people won't have to 'come out'

jackparlabane · 15/09/2019 12:56

DH's family assumed he was gay for years. He's pretty camp.
Except he is only interested in women. It does happen.

Meanwhile I have a couple male friends in their 40s whose families refuse to acknowledge they are gay because they don't 'look gay' - though I suspect those parents wouldn't want to acknowledge the fact anyway.

123chocolate · 15/09/2019 17:15

Don't ask. It's none of your business. You sound like a weirdo obsessed with his supposed sexuality.

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