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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
LoreleiRock · 03/09/2019 03:14

Oh ffs, some of you are nasty for no actual reason. The OP is trying to work out whether he son is nervous about telling her, she just wants to reassure him that it is something she always knew and doesn’t change anything. Some people do still struggle with telling their parents, yes, even in 2019 magnetic. When my nephew told me he was gay, I responded with “yes, I know” he said it was the perfect response, because it took all pressure off. I would wait though OP, for now.

ThunderMum · 03/09/2019 03:17

I say ask him, don't let there be an elephant in the room if this is what you know/suspect. You're a supportive mother and he may need reassurance of that.

Original poster
WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 03:21

Lorele. My thoughts exactly. Would he like to know that I've always known ? Would that Male him feel better or worse?

I just want to do what's right by him. I'm pretty confident in that he would know I'm totally okay with it... so given that he hasn't told me I'm swaying with not saying anything.

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 03/09/2019 04:14

Blimey it's 2019. Homosexuality is not something to be embarrassed about so if you want to know just ask him. Maybe he is waiting for you to ask, who knows?

Doryhunky · 03/09/2019 04:21

Bizarrely I have just watched othergood on Netflix where there is a scene where the mum is upset her son never came out to her and he says it was none of her business.
I would just bring it into any conversation where you might mention a girlfriend and say boyfriend or girlfriend.
I have a friend who knew her son was gay from two.

PhilCornwall1 · 03/09/2019 04:28

Why the need to mention anything to him? I have a 17 year old son and it wouldn't cross my mind to say anything to him.

If he said anything to me? It wouldn't be a big deal, it would make him no different to the wonderful son (I'm biased Smile) he was 30 seconds before he told me.

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 03/09/2019 04:56

It was always clear my sister (now in her 30’s) is gay. She never “came out”. Or tried to hide it. In her early 20’s she came to terms with it privately in her own time, then just casually started mentioning to us about the woman she was seeing etc. If you really want him to feel like you are ok with it, don’t mention it. He is who he is and making a big deal about it makes it a big deal. He might not have yet figured it out (it’s hard to be gay in a heterosexual society). Just wait. It isn’t about you. He will talk to you about it if he wants to in his own time. I’m glad you are supportive, he’s lucky. But still, leave it alone. That’s the most helpful thing you can do. My sister knew it would never be an issue for us but she still struggled with it herself for a couple of years. If you are as supportive as you say you are, deep down he already knows it

BlackCatSleeping · 03/09/2019 05:03

I definitely wouldn't tell him that you've always known. That takes so much power from him. Just be supportive if and when he decides to tell you.

FredaFrogspawn · 03/09/2019 05:07

I think if you make sure your language doesn’t assume any particular sexuality for anyone whose sexuality you don’t know, then you are letting him know you aren’t making assumptions about him either way. Which we shouldn’t do really - it’s none of our business really. If he wants to broach it, fine.

lawnmowingsucks · 03/09/2019 05:12

We are so open about everything else.. it's weird for me that he wouldn't be open about this. Even though I understand why.

Then there's no need to say anything to him. He'll tell you when he wants to tell you or he won't tell you as he probably assumes you know and he thinks there's no need for conversation about it

justilou1 · 03/09/2019 05:21

I was talking to my 15 year old daughter about this and she said that coming out is considered to be rather old-fashioned by some people because (quite rightly) sexuality really should be a non-issue these days. If your son has grown up knowing you’d be okay with him being gay, maybe he just assumes you know and support him. But I guess it’s best not to assume anything, and you’re on tenterhooks all the time in case you blab the wrong thing.

jaseyraex · 03/09/2019 05:24

I think, if you're so certain he is gay, then he probably already knows that you know this and doesn't think it needs a discussion. I wouldn't say anything. Does he really have to "come out"? Does it make a difference? My brother is gay, my mum has said she always knew. He never came out to her. One day he just came home with a boyfriend and introduced him and that was that, life went on. We never felt the need to point out that he's gay.

AnyOldPrion · 03/09/2019 05:26

My daughter told me last year. She was 19. She told me she’d been certain herself for a while, but only felt a need to tell me when there was someone to tell me about. I haven’t known since she was two, but I’ve suspected for a very long time.

Teacher22 · 03/09/2019 05:45

Family members who live together might well think it appropriate to share important information. In this case the OP is sympathetic and understanding so no harm will come of confidence.

Just to point our the difference. Left wing, liberal parenting (which is advocated by an authoritarian left wing state which gains the advantage of a new client or ‘useful idiot’ brought up at the expense of hapless parents) says that children must be totally indulged in every way by parents who have no say in their morals, lives or manners. Children are to be protected from the sorry consequences of their own follies by parents who rush in to help when all is too late.

Traditional parenting, which is at the heart of small ‘c’ conservative values offers guidance, advice and support and passes on the culture, manners and traditions of the host family and society. Discipline, while it is needed when the child is growing, is the framework for this host wisdom but the final goal is that the child becomes independent, equal,
honest, respectful and open. The traditional family puts its own members’ interests before those of the state. In such a framework a child would trust his or her parents and openness be forthcoming, or at least not be resisted in a sulky, snowflake manner.

joystir59 · 03/09/2019 05:48

I think it very weird you feel a need to comment on your son's sexuality. Stay out of his business! This is his life not your's! As a pp said, would you feel any need to ask him if you thought he was straight?

Bloodybridget · 03/09/2019 05:52

Teacher22 I have no idea of the point of your post.

Palaver1 · 03/09/2019 06:04

What @Derbee said

PhilCornwall1 · 03/09/2019 06:04

@Bloodybridget you and me both!

TheCatInAHat · 03/09/2019 06:05

The language you use (e.g ‘the kid is gay’) feels uncomfortable. It’s like you want to be 100% okay with it but there’s something unsettling about how you write about him. I don’t know. Maybe he’s trying to avoid an ott ‘I just couldn’t be more okay with the gay’ response from you.

TheCatInAHat · 03/09/2019 06:07

Definitely do not say you’ve always known.

BurningTheToast · 03/09/2019 06:10

I knew too, way before DS did. And although we never had conversations about it, he knew that we wouldn't have a problem and so when he felt he wanted to tell us, he did. I wouldn't bring it up, he will if he wants to. He might just feel that it doesn't need to be said.

But, even today, when as someone said the default is surely not to be a homophobe, there are parents who are upset or abusive when their kids come out to them, and it's great that you're so supportive.

Butchyrestingface · 03/09/2019 06:11

@Teacher22, have you been at the cooking sherry? Confused

@WWlOOlWW, no idea why you’re getting a bit of a pasting. Assume it’s the time that you posted - maybe some people are feeling a bit frustrated by their inability to sleep. Grin. I wouldn’t say anything to him at present behind letting him know (if) you are okay with partners staying over.

NotTonightJosepheen · 03/09/2019 06:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 03/09/2019 06:24

I don't understand how you could have known at 2...he didn't know himself he was gay (or not) at 2.

I have 2 DSs, aged 9 and 6. I've always been aware one of them could be gay and I'm fine with that but it's up to them to tell me if and when they know themselves. Their favourite uncle is gay so they're aware of homosexuality and that it's not a big deal.

NoCauseRebel · 03/09/2019 06:28

The whole “I’ve always been ok with the gay thing” is one which gets right on my nerves. My DP does it and it drives me to insanity. He does it because he’s a Christian and because the general preserve of many Christians is that being gay is not ok. Obviously not all but the ones who aren’t are very vocal about it so the assumption is that they’re all like that. But he then needs to declare his not having an issue with it etc etc etc.

For me it’s very simple. If you’re “ok with it” then it doesn’t need saying. Because it’s just what it is.

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