To ask my son if he is gay?

[WWlOOlWW]

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

Your sexuality is purely who you are sexually attracted to, you can't have a sexual attraction to anyone at the age of two. Therefore, you didn't "know".

Given we still live in a hetero normative world it is different when anyone is or thinks they may be gay and within a family there is a different dynamic about coming out and/or raising the subject. Difference is experienced differently. Every single day a young person who is gay will experience that difference and a parent will be aware of that too. With a heterosexual child it’s all just assumed and standard and unspoken. That’s surely why op is aware and asking what to do and what’s best.
Leave him to say anything (or nothing) as and when he wants or needs to unless you fear he is in trouble of some kind or needs overt support but it doesn’t sound as if that’s the situation here. ?

I think having a conversation with your son about his relationships and the right to love who he chooses is great, but asking him if he is gay is a no no.

Is it possible that he just assumes you know he is gay, so no conversation to be had? One day he might just introduce you to a boyfriend. I imagine if I wanted to confirm my sexuality to someone that's what I'd do.

"I think it's very weird if a mum wouldn't know this."
My cousin had no idea her son was gay. He was outed by her (now former) best friend. I am surprised it hadn't occurred to my cousin just because of his extreme campness but she probably just thought he was camp. She was very shocked, although perfectly accepting, once she found out.

OP, I think you should let your son tell you in his own time (if he wants to). You say you wavered when he was about 10 and thought he might not be gay despite "knowing" since he was 2. You can't be sure. You just think he is gay. You sound more interested in being right than anything else.

I don't think a conversation along the lines of telling him he can have a bf to stay over is appropriate if he hasn't told you he is gay. He could be heterosexual and then be deeply affected by you thinking otherwise.

Let him sort out his sexuality and tell you if he wants to.

Did you “know” he was gay when he was 2 because he liked wearing pink and playing with dolls? Are you sure you’re not just stereotyping him? You still haven’t told us how you knew he was gay when he was 2.

Give the OP a break.

My childhood friend is now a 40-something, confident, very overtly gay man. As his big brother says, he never had to come out. His dating a woman would have been a shock announcement . Dating men was just what they all expected. And they were right.

I had a colleague who was the father of three small boys. He would sometimes day that he and his wife reckoned "Jamie" might be gay. Jamie was three or four. I bumped into him last year. Jamie is now a 20 something gay man.

OP, I'd continue as you are. Maybe your son is comfortable enough not to make an announcement.

17 is still young.

You need to bide your time, and continue being a supportive parent.

He'll let you know in his own way when he's ready - most likely when he wants to have a partner to stay over.

I also have no idea how I would know the sexuality of a two year old. My DS is 3.5 and there is absolutely no way I could guess who he will be attracted to when he is older!

Anyone who says they knew 100% their child was gay since they were 2 needs therapy. This is more about you than him. DD is 1 and boob obsessed (despite us never establishing bf). It doesn't mean she's gay ffs. Why would you be so invested in your DCs sexuality.

Children are not sexual beings at two.

What does that even mean? A gay or lesbian toddler. FFS.

The kid is gay. I know this 100%.

Sounds like he could be straight and petrified of 'coming out' to you.

"Mum thinks I'm gay. She's been convinced of it since I was 2. How do I tell her that she's been wrong all these years?"

Lesbian toddler. 😂😂😂

So sad that people still need to 'come out' these days especially to their parents who then will say 'well aha! I already knew, even when you were a baby'. Ffs. What do you want, him to gather everyone together with balloons filled with rainbow confetti and shout 'surprise!'?

OP I understand what you mean. I believe one of my sons is gay, I've felt that way since he was 4 or so. He's never come out though.
As long as he knows that he can discuss anything with you, and that you love him whatever his orientation then you have to leave it at that, and respect his privacy. He may tell you, he may assume that you already know, he may not know himself yet.
I don't know why some posters are being so hostile about you being 'gay friendly', sadly this is not always the default and some people are still rejected by their family members because of their orientation. There's nothing wrong with letting your children know that they will be loved and accepted if they do ever come out.

I think its perfectly possible to feel that you know. The old gaydar they talk about. Its not 100% accurate but my daughter tells me shes pansexual, but im convinced shes more gay.
My son told me he might be bisexual at one point, but i just dont think he is.

Whatever they are, I dont care as long as they're happy, careful, respectful etc with partners when theyre older.

My son told me he was gay when he was 16. I said "meh", and we all continued to get on with our lives. I wouldn't have guessed it, but even if I had, I wouldn't have started asking him. In response to a PP, too, not all gay people are interested in Pride marches or trumpeting their sexuality. My DS just gets on with being gay in the same way I get on with being straight. No fanfare, no ostentatiousness.

He might not want to define himself as anything so why insist that he does? If he has a boyfriend in the future then you will know that he is probably gay although could be bisexual but does it really matter?

I had a childhood friend who lived across the road from me. When we were 16, he told everyone he was gay.

When I went home and told my DM, she laughed and said “I could have told you that when he was 4 years old”. When I asked how, she said “It was just really obvious”. I don’t know how.

And as it happens, I think one of my DD’s might not grow up to be straight. She is 8. I might be wrong and it doesn’t matter anyway.

She has a preference for “boys clothes not girls clothes”, is horrified by pink as it “isn’t very me”, likes football and prefers boys as friends. She reminds me a lot of her cousin at the same age, who is gay.

Of course, these aren’t signs that she is and it isn’t something I’ve spent any time pondering, has just idly crossed my mind before and I thought about it reading thus thread.

For context, I'm a gay man.

First off, I'd say you can't know for sure. But if there's strong evidence in his social media to make you think that he is gay, it seems a reasonable thing to at least consider.

If he is gay and I'll repeat that it's a big if here I wouldn't ask him. It doesn't matter how 'OK with it' you are; for a young person, the realisation and self-acceptance around stuff like this is extremely delicate... and personal. It almost doesn't matter if he knows that everyone in his life would react well; there's still a considerable (and extremely difficult) personal journey to go on internally.

So it's for him to tell you, not for you to ask. Coming out is, ultimately, about truth. It's a correcting of the record about who a person is, but the empowerment is in the person themselves making the statement. Asking him would, in my opinion, risk making him feel like you'd taken agency away from him in some way.

Just make sure the relationship you have and the environment at home is conducive to him feeling safe and loved, regardless of his sexuality. If he knows that the family home is a safe place for him if he is gay, even if he doesn't come out for a few more years, it'll help.

To everyone casting doubt at knowing at a young age... agreed, two seems very young. But I definitely had an awareness of it when I was seven or so. Obviously it wasn't sexual in any way. But I used to have happy little daydreams about one day marrying one of the fashion models from the menswear section of my mum's Kays catalogue! When grannies etc used to make remarks about me marrying a 'nice girl one day' I used to run off and cry because the idea of it felt so wrong, so uncomfortable to me.

He’ll tell you when he’s ready.

Just because you’ve always known it doesn’t mean he did. He might not have known for sure until quite recently (if he does know. You say you have always been open and accepting but you aren’t the only influence in his life so he might be coming to terms with it himself. When he does eventually tell you it might be a conversation but it doesn’t have to be a full on ‘coming out’. It might be that he ‘tells’ you by bringing a boyfriend home.

I think if you're close and generally talk about stuff then there's nothing wrong with bringing it up. I initiated a conversation with my brother about him being gay because I knew but he hadn't told me. I sort of came at it asking why he hadn't said anything (given we were so close). Turns out he was toying with me a bit because he knew I knew and he was waiting to see how long it took me to bring it up! We laugh about it now.

I don't see why sexuality should be off-limits as a conversation when you're close to someone. If you talk about everything else, why not that?

What if he isn’t gay though. I mean he may not be. Does he need to confirm he isn’t gay?

I think one of my sons might be gay. I have always thought so since he was about 3. It was nothing to do with the toys he played with or clothes he chose, neither of which were stereotypically feminine. It's hard to explain. It's something about his interaction patterns. Who he talks to and how and what he is interested in and how exclusively male that has always been. I might be wrong of course; he's 15 and hasn't said anything. I have never thought my other boys might be gay. Call it intuition if you like.

Just because some of you have never experienced it in your parenting doesn't mean the OP is wrong about suspecting her son might be gay from a very early age.