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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL gives bigger plates of food to men

459 replies

Sofin · 02/09/2019 08:13

We are often invited for dinner by MIL, about once a week. MIL has the idea that men need significantly more food than women, and DH's plate is always way bigger than mine. I've come to terms with this. But yesterday, she made pie and chips and DH literally had about three times as many chips as me and twice as much pie! I got about 7-8 chips and he had a tower of them. I felt like I was given a kids portion. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and had been working all day yesterday and was starving! DH had not been working, just been to the park for a little bit with DD. There are no extra helpings at MIL's either as she literally dishes out all the food to everyone. I was still hungry after, and honestly felt insulted and embarrassed :( AIBU?

OP posts:
EmperorBallpitine · 02/09/2019 09:42

You are all adults, just say you are hungry and ask if you can have extra.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2019 09:42

I'd either be bringing myself some food when I go there or when she's dishing up, I'd go into the kitchen to ensure I had enough on my plate.

You know she does this, so you need to be prepared.

thecatsthecats · 02/09/2019 09:48

Men do need more calories per day but only 500.

See, I think that's just as bad a message.

I'm the same height as my husband. I walk to work, and walk out to get lunch. He gets the bus and goes to the nearest shop. I easily do 8-10k steps a day, he more usually does 4k.

I also do weights and run, so I almost certainly have a better muscle mass and metabolism than he does at the moment.

It's also not just food - when I go to ILs, I have to drive, so am not drinking. My day would have involved a run, some gardening, general errands. His, getting up late, maybe a nip to the shops, playing FIfa. Even if he were due another 500 cals, he'd easily drink it in 3-4 pints, without our plate portions looking any different.

OvalCanvas · 02/09/2019 09:51

3x as much is ridiculous, but I do give my husband and son more than myself and my daughter. My plate is the least loaded one as I'm a small woman and just need less to function than they do. If I ate the way my husband does I'd gain weight for sure as I'm not a 6ft male.

ipswichwitch · 02/09/2019 09:52

MIL does this. Fortunately DH Zia fully enlightened and will redistribute good more evenly. At Christmas the men would get a steak as well as their Christmas dinner. I’d never come across this before, but before I could open my mouth to ask DH he’d already cut his in half and given it to me 😂

ineedaholidaynow · 02/09/2019 09:55

I eat less than DH and DS(14) but not to the extent which OP describes.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 02/09/2019 09:55

I do it. Anyone wants extra ask for more.

Babdoc · 02/09/2019 09:56

I think you need some assertiveness training, OP! It’s weirdly passive to just sit there and starve.
What was so difficult about simply stating that your portion wasn’t big enough, and requesting a larger helping?
My late MIL would serve up rather dainty portions, but always offered seconds (or thirds!), of which I always availed myself, being a hungry hospital doctor working 100 hour weeks.
She’s your MIL, not Mr Bumble the beadle in Oliver Twist’s workhouse - you can safely ask for more!

lilybetsy · 02/09/2019 09:57

why the obsession with having one 'server' ? I put food on the table and allow people to help themselves. That way everyone is happy. some people are hungry, others less so. Parents can serve their children what they like / will eat and no one feels overwhelmed by an inappropriately enormous pile of food, or resentful at being given too little ?

GBroGal · 02/09/2019 10:04

I've just quietly taken over in DP Mum's kitchen. She's grateful - "ooh - you're so good to me" - and I get to rinse off the quantities of salt she pours over the veg, make sure they're not under/overdone (she's lovely, but not a great cook) and when I dish up, I make sure I don't go short.

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/09/2019 10:06

I did read though, that women who are 20 weeks pregnant are supposed to eat 2,350 cal a day, whereas a man is supposed to eat 2,500 - so really not a big difference at all.
Wherever you read that it’s false. The extra 300 cals are in the third trimester of pregnancy only. So 2000 for you 2500 for you dh which makes your MIL portions correct. Although tbh I doubt there were 500 cals of extra chips.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/09/2019 10:09

Mmmm - to a degree I agree, IYSWIM.

If you have a big dog, it needs more food than a small one . . . and most men are bigger than most women.

BUT!!!!! (There are many buts . . . )

People with rapid metabolic rates need more food than people with sluggish metabolic rates . . .

Nursing mothers need LOADS of food . . .

Growing children need more than adults the same height and weight . . .

ETC

Personally, if there's anything in liited supply and it is an "attractive" foodstuff (eg a chicken - a bad example, I know, as MNers can feed the entire population of Bangladesh off a single chicken, but bear with me), I would portion out the meat in equal shares, and provide tons of veg and yorkshires and let people help themselves those.

At least in this way people will eat(and hopefully enjoy) what they need, rather than eat from greed (I've never yet heard anyone say "Are you leaving that spinach? Can I have it?). they can fill up on good stuff and no-one gets robbed over the expensive/tastiest bits.

Aprillygirl · 02/09/2019 10:10

That may well be deydododatdodontdeydo but I serve my two daughters the same sized dinner as my three sons (all late teens/young adults) and my girls have no weight issues. The boys can make up any extra calories they may need by eating bigger breakfasts/lunches/snacks if they wish, but with the one meal I cook them a day I will continue to dish up fairly. Besides my girls would lamp me one if I didn't! Grin

NotTonightJosepheen · 02/09/2019 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotTonightJosepheen · 02/09/2019 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 02/09/2019 10:15

Yep, my MIL does this, too. Dainty wee sparrow's portions for the ladies. My partner usually pointedly gives me some of his.

Croquembou · 02/09/2019 10:16

See, I think that's just as bad a message

I mean, I literally went on to say what a tiny increase per meal that actually equates to so I don't understand how it can be used to justify different portions but ok...

TildaKauskumholm · 02/09/2019 10:18

Last year we went out for a Christmas meal, where a chef was serving out the meat from a counter. When we sat down I saw that he'd given DH lots more than my skimpy portion, so I went back to ask for more meat. He grudgingly gave it, then when we got the bill they had added 4.95 for the 'extra' meat! We told the waitress that as menu prices did not differ for men and women, then portion size should be equal (someone with a small appetite can easily ask for a smaller portion). We did not pay the extra (and left no tip).

LightDrizzle · 02/09/2019 10:19

There was a thread about this before, and one poster’s husband in the same situation immediately swapped his plate with his wife’s, - prompting horror at his now tiny portion, - rather eloquently making the point I think. It is so rude.

OP your DH’s response is pretty lame, ask him to swap plates with you next time it happens, and say something.

Nanamilly · 02/09/2019 10:24

We had this thread before.

LadyRannaldini · 02/09/2019 10:28

Sounds like my late MIL, She once took us out for Sunday lunch and spent the whole meal complaining about the fact that OH had the same amount as we did, he tried to explain the economics of paying the same/getting the same but she wouldn't have it, a Man should get more! She always said Man with a capital letter too. Her other gripe was that the 'slip of a girl' on the next table had a nicer looking Yorkshire pudding than OH.
She once cut part of her pork chop off and put it on his plate when she was staying with us and obviously expected me to do the same!
I still sometimes refer to a 'man-sized' portion, he goes mad.

Skinnychip · 02/09/2019 10:29

*TildaKauskumholm

Last year we went out for a Christmas meal, where a chef was serving out the meat from a counter. When we sat down I saw that he'd given DH lots more than my skimpy portion, so I went back to ask for more meat. He grudgingly gave it, then when we got the bill they had added 4.95 for the 'extra' meat! We told the waitress that as menu prices did not differ for men and women, then portion size should be equal (someone with a small appetite can easily ask for a smaller portion). We did not pay the extra (and left no tip).*

Thats outrageous!!

FrenchBoule · 02/09/2019 10:29

I’d have asked for more, swapped the plates with DH or ordered a take away or went out for a meal.
I wouldn’t care about upsetting/offending anybody as it’s obvious they don’t care about me.
Appaling hosting from your MIL. I’d be absolutely mortified if any of my guests wasn’t served enough food.

thecatsthecats · 02/09/2019 10:30

I mean, I literally went on to say what a tiny increase per meal that actually equates to so I don't understand how it can be used to justify different portions but ok...

And I literally went on to say that a blanket application of an extra 500 cal for men overall is unhelpful due to people being of different heights, weights, builds and activity levels, so that 500cal might not even apply...

Silenceissilver · 02/09/2019 10:32

I don’t think the issue is that your MIL gave your DH more food but the issue is that she gave you so little!