Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL gives bigger plates of food to men

459 replies

Sofin · 02/09/2019 08:13

We are often invited for dinner by MIL, about once a week. MIL has the idea that men need significantly more food than women, and DH's plate is always way bigger than mine. I've come to terms with this. But yesterday, she made pie and chips and DH literally had about three times as many chips as me and twice as much pie! I got about 7-8 chips and he had a tower of them. I felt like I was given a kids portion. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and had been working all day yesterday and was starving! DH had not been working, just been to the park for a little bit with DD. There are no extra helpings at MIL's either as she literally dishes out all the food to everyone. I was still hungry after, and honestly felt insulted and embarrassed :( AIBU?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/09/2019 09:19

@Cheeserton
Yes, if I was making dinner then I'd give everyone a similar amount and then the 18 stone rugby player could have more if he wanted. It's rude to not give your guests similar amounts and treat them all equally well.

WombatChocolate · 02/09/2019 09:19

But your complaint is like complaining that someone gives adults more than children. It's totally normal isn't it for men usually to eat more than women and adults to eat more than children, due to differing size.

Are you a particularly large woman or your husband a small man? If so, it might seem odd, but assuming you are smaller than your husband, I'd expect in most families the man has a bigger plateful.

So the general principal doesn't seem wrong. If however you are given a teeny tiny portion, then I would probably ask for more - no need to make it a big thing, just simply 'oh I think I might need a few more chips than that. Please can I have some more?' - if said light-heartedly and particularly if repeated every time there's a teeny tiny portion, the message will probably get through.

Far better to speak out than to seethe silently for years whilst going for dinner.

Personally I've been a visitor and been given a little portion - bit disappointing, but I don't say anything if I'm an occasional guest and actually figure it won't hurt me to eat a bit less once in a while. If I was a regular guest though and it really was teeny tiny, not just on the smaller side I would say. And actually my commenting wouldn't have anything to do with it being more or less than a man, just about myself and what I need. I expect men to eat more in most cases.

MaxNormal · 02/09/2019 09:20

It's only an average anyway. DH is prone to weight gain. His older sister has always been slim with an appetite like a horse and at one point she had to have extra protein drinks as she struggled to maintain her weight no matter how much she ate.
So giving him more food than her would have been really unhealthy for both of them.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 02/09/2019 09:21

I actually much prefer getting a smaller portion than DH 🙈

Lovemusic33 · 02/09/2019 09:21

Well technically men do need more calories then women, they can eat more than we can without gaining weight and often burn more calories than us. I remember family dinners when I was growing up and the men always got bigger plates of food, didn’t really think much of it as my dad worked really hard as did my grandad so were always really hungry at the end of the day.

HJWT · 02/09/2019 09:22

@Sofin I might be a petty ass but id take a sandwich or some pasta with me from the shop 🤣 then took into that after and when she ask's what your doing say " I don't get full of children's portions! "

I never understand in these situations what MIL has going through her head when she does it 🤔

BarbaraofSeville · 02/09/2019 09:24

Confused Where does the OP say her MIL cooks badly? It's not the type or quality of food she has an issue with, just that MIL unilaterally decides on portion sizes apparently based on sex, but with no consideration for how hungry someone is. And as a one off meal, overall average calorie requirements are irrelevant.

The polite thing to do would have been to serve everyone pie, ask how big a piece they wanted, but ensure everyone got some, also to make enough to go round with possible seconds/leftovers, after all, it can always be frozen or eaten in the following day or two. And then put the chips and any other sides in serving dishes for people to help themselves to.

Aprillygirl · 02/09/2019 09:26

To the people spouting that men need more calories than women-which I'm not sure is even true in this day and age, with many men leading such sedentary lives- when you have guests for dinner do you plate up twice as much for the man than the woman then? Or if you let people serve themselves do you secretly judge if the woman puts the same amount of potatoes on her plate as her partner? Or do you perhaps sensibly take into account that maybe the woman ate less at breakfast or lunch than the man did or maybe she does actually eat as much or, heaven forbid, more than he because she has a more active lifestyle and/or has a baby growing inside her and actually needs the calories.

BarbaraofSeville · 02/09/2019 09:29

Does anyone else really want pie, chips and gravy now?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/09/2019 09:30

I'm confused; why could you not just ask for some more food?

Men generally DO need more calories per day than women, but agree this sounds quite absurd. You are allowed to say you're hungry though.

MerryChristmasHarry · 02/09/2019 09:30

Do any of you really think the difference in the portions described accurately represent the extra couple of hundred calories difference between the RDA for a man and a woman in her second trimester? And if for some reason you do, where is your concern about the failure to provide more iron to OP than DH?

madcatladyforever · 02/09/2019 09:33

I remember once my DIL and DS came over unexpectedly and I got a medium size pizza out. She took one look and said you're kidding! I could eat that on my own. lets go out for lunch, so we did.

Willow2017 · 02/09/2019 09:33

Laughing at the 'sedentary' pregnant woman!
OP had been working all day while
her dh had been at home!
I wasn't sedentary while pregnant I worked bloody hard full time till the week before my due date and so did all my pregnant friends. Give me a break, sedentary indeed!

And btw pregnant women do need to eat more than previously not 'for two' but more and men do not need double the portions of women that's not how it works.

cranstonmanor · 02/09/2019 09:33

Tell DH to speak up. Sit next to him. If he doesn't speak up switch plates.

Croquembou · 02/09/2019 09:33

Men do need more calories per day but only 500. If you take that as ~150 per meal, that's 100g extra chips which is...not very many chips.

That said, this wouldn't bother me. I honestly didn't realise how apathetic I was until I started reading MN.

NoSauce · 02/09/2019 09:35

Don’t start feeling paranoid about your weight OP and whether your MIL thinks you’re getting fat! You’re pregnant, you are going to put on weight. It sounds like from what you’ve said this is how she’s always been.

I find dishing out for lots of people pretty stressful and maybe she just gave SIL a bit more without thinking. It’s easily done when you’re trying to get everyone’s food out quickly so it’s still hot.

The good thing is DH is on board. Next time you’re there ask MIL for an extra potato or another slice of meat or whatever and hopefully that’ll be the end of it, if not DH knows to swap plates or give you some of his.

WorraLiberty · 02/09/2019 09:35

Normally, she'll make a roast, and DH will get one more roast potato and one more slice of meat than me - this I'm totally fine with!

Do you actually count your husband's roast potatoes? Grin

But yesterday, like I said, I was given a kids size portion and it felt really upsetting and embarrassing to watch DH with his tower of food

And yet your DH is adamant he didn't notice this? Was he wearing a blindfold? Confused

As always with these threads, the husbands seems quite content to sit and eat a pile of food while their wives go hungry.

That's a bigger problem than MILs with old fashioned attitudes.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 02/09/2019 09:36

SIL also got more food than me

Wait, so does she give more to men, or does she just give less to you?

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 02/09/2019 09:38

I hear ya OP. My MIL often gets all guests a drink upon arrival including DH but forgets me. So fucking rude!

pinkyredrose · 02/09/2019 09:39

Why on earth didn't you say anything at the time? Did your DH not notice? If he did it's pretty bad if he said nothing and ate his food.

Jollymollyx · 02/09/2019 09:39

She might eat small portions herself and that’s why, but you should just say is there any more, or to your hubby give me some this isn’t enough for me?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 02/09/2019 09:39

To the people spouting that men need more calories than women-which I'm not sure is even true in this day and age, with many men leading such sedentary lives

The averages of 2000 for women and 2500 for men are then adjusted for how active or inactive you are.
There are calculators on the internet which start with a lower level for women, but when you add your lifestyle in e.g. highly active, it adds more calories.
But for men and women who have similar activity levels, men on average need more, but it's linked to body mass so a large, tall woman might weigh as much and need as much as a small, short man.

C0untDucku1a · 02/09/2019 09:39

Self services is the answer. MiL always serves up the main element of the meal, but the same portions. Always asks of it is enough. Always offers more. Dh always has a second helping, which he doesnt ‘need’, of the main part, I always demolish the accompanying veg or salad.

Very interesting point about the iron from a pp. Loved that as a response.

Skinnychip · 02/09/2019 09:41

My IL plate up everything in the kitchen usually taking about 15 min so food is lukewarm by the time you eat it and ask what people would like and then then put the same items on everyones plate regardless Confused .. Then usually complain the kids didnt eat their sprouts/cabbage etc despite them saying they didn't want it. They also do 2 choices but put both on the plate ....like a meat pie and a lasagne for example.
Btw MIL often rejects what i cook when she comes to ours.

NoSauce · 02/09/2019 09:41

I hear ya OP. My MIL often gets all guests a drink upon arrival including DH but forgets me. So fucking rude!

How rude. Why haven’t you said anything?